I’ve been having threesomes with couple I met online but I’ve found out the woman is being pressured into abusive sex

DEAR DEIDRE: AGREEING to a threesome with a couple was fun and uncomplicated but since getting to know the woman, I have become seriously worried for her safety. Her partner is completely depraved and has begun demanding increasingly extreme sexual activities. I met them when I answered an ad online. They wanted a man to join them for a threesome. I’m 37 and single and they seemed really lovely. Sign up for the Dear Deidre newsletter Thank you! They said they were both 41 when I met them in a pub. We went back to their place and had sex together — there were no issues. I met them a couple more times, then I ran into her in town and she asked if I’d go for a coffee with her. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. She looked terrible. There was a look in her eyes I’d never seen. Over a drink, she explained that her partner had become controlling and insistent that she complied with his sexual kinks. An ordinary threesome was no longer enough — he’d insisted that she have sex with two other men while he looked on. She said these guys were physically rough with her and her boyfriend had allowed it to happen. Then she revealed he had put a notice on a dogging website saying men could pay for sex with her. She said that three men turned up in response, and her partner had threatened to harm her if she didn’t go along with it. His latest plan is advertising on the dark web for ten colleagues from a workplace to pay big money for sex with her. She’s terrified. He’s twisted and I want to help her to get her away from him. But should I mind my own business? DEIDRE SAYS: You might be the only friend she has right now. She’s in danger. Her boyfriend is abusive, using her for his own sexual kicks and financial gain. Only she can decide to move on from this life of depravity – you can’t do it for her. However, you can encourage her to contact The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk, 0808 2000 247) for urgent help. If she accepts that there is a better life for her without this controlling man, the charity Rights Of Women (rightsofwomen.org.uk, 020 7251 6577) will advise her. You may be risking your sexual health or endangering yourself by answering ads for sex with strangers. If you’d like a long-term relationship, my support pack called Finding The Love Of Your Life will help. I WORRY FOR SON’S FUTURE DEAR DEIDRE: MY son has just gone into sixth form but he doesn’t want to stay. He says he’d prefer to leave school and get a job. He’s nearly 17 and his GCSEs were a nightmare. He scraped through to get enough to stay on at school but that was only with me and his stepdad going on at him. We were surprised when he passed his exams. The logical thing is for him to get some A-Levels then perhaps go to university. His older brother has been in trouble with the police and he’s a bad influence on him. My older son is now a plasterer but he drinks quite a bit and smokes weed. There are constant arguments in the house now with my youngest becoming really disrespectful. DEIDRE SAYS: This is your son’s life, not yours and university may not necessarily keep him out of trouble. School subjects can feel dull but a vocational course may keep his interest. Rather than having a go at him, walk alongside him. Tell him how proud you are of him and you’ll support him in whatever he chooses. Suggest he takes a free skills test through the National Careers Service (nationalcareers.service. gov.uk/discover-your-skills-and-careers). A college course or an apprenticeship may suit him better, giving him qualifications while studying for a career he’s passionate about. DAUGHTER STRUGGLES WITH KIDS DEAR DEIDRE: WATCHING my daughter struggle to provide for her children while their dad ignores all of his responsibilities is tearing me apart. I’m 62 and she’s 34. She has two children, aged five and seven, and has always worked hard to make ends meet. Their dad used to pay regular maintenance, but six months ago the payments stopped. At first he said he was having problems at work and would catch up, but now he won’t answer her messages. She opened a case with the Child Maintenance Service, but months later she’s still waiting for the money. I help where I can but I’m not exactly well-off myself. She’s taken on extra shifts and stopped buying anything for herself, but she still finds it hard to cover everything. It’s breaking my heart seeing her struggle so much, and I feel so helpless that I can’t do anything to fix this. DEIDRE SAYS: No parent wants to watch their child struggle, and it’s clear you’re doing what you can to support her. If the Child Maintenance Service isn’t resolving things, encourage her to make a formal complaint and keep copies of all correspondence. If she’s unhappy with the response, she can ask for it to be reviewed. Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk) has useful information about challenging the CMS and can explain her options. STI SCARE AFTER MY WILD YEARS DEAR DEIDRE: BACK in the day I had some wild times sleeping around. Now I’m scared that period of my life will come back to bite me. I’m a 24 year-old woman and I’m in a great relationship with a guy of 26. When I was in my late teens, I went out with a lad from school for two years but he went off to university and dumped me. I was heartbroken but moved on by attention-seeking and going out with friends, then getting together with anyone I could. Some were one-night stands and some were guys I vaguely knew, but I know I was behaving recklessly. Sometimes I’d have protected sex and sometimes not. I was lucky I didn’t get pregnant when I think about it. My boyfriend now is lovely. We get along so well and we’ve been out on dates a few times but he says he wants to take his time before we have sex. He says he wants it to be special. He wants to reassure me that he’s in this for the long haul and he’s shown me that he’s had an STI check and it’s all clear. It really made me think. I need one too, don’t I? Some of the guys I slept with, I didn’t even know their name, never mind their background. DEIDRE SAYS: You’d be wise to do it for your own peace of mind. It’s reassuring that your boyfriend wants to wait and this gives you some time to get this sorted out. Some STIs can be symptomless but most are easily treatable. If you have been unfortunate enough to pick something up, you can get some medication and put all this behind you. You can find help through your nearest free NHS clinic (www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/sexual-health-services). Your relationship with this new man sounds promising – and my support pack, How To Look After Your Relationship, will help you both to ensure you get the best out of what you have together.