It Took Me Years to Finally Feel Like I Was Hot. Then I Met My Wife, and It’s Only Been Downhill Since.

How to Do It There’s more to this story. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by eggeeggjiew/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My wife has a couple of conditions that make sex rare for us, which mostly boil down to joint pain. We also have a toddler, so that means she’s always tired (I am a very, very involved father; I take him out and do many things with him), because toddlers. There’s more to this story. She also is on the spectrum, which means she tends toward a flat affect—and basically, we have sex rarely. Combined with her just not being a very affectionate person—see above—it makes me sad. I’m only in my mid-30s, and I’m not even really a high libido person. I don’t want someone else; I really just want HER, but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards. Sure, the toddler stage will end, but it took me a decade of low self-esteem, dating the wrong people, and a lot of therapy (and exercise) to feel like I was attractive, and then, right as I felt good about my looks, I met her, and we love each other, but there’s this. Aside from more therapy to soothe my soul, how can I handle this? She basically has enough energy for our son, who doesn’t sleep well, and it’s really not her fault. I’m just sad that I worked hard on how I felt about myself just to end up not feeling attractive now because I feel rejected by my spouse (even though again, it’s not her fault). I feel like I’m just whining because she’s the one with physical limitations, and I’m just sad. And yes, I’ve expressed my feelings. She understands, but you all are the experts, can you help? —Too Young to Be Done Dear Too Young to Be Done, Feeling sad at times is a part of being human, and you have every right to feel sad about the parts of a larger situation that affect you in difficult ways, even though your wife is experiencing difficulties at the same time. Realistically, you do have to consider what’s possible for everyone in your family at this point in time, and keep your actions within the range of what is appropriate and feasible. But you don’t have to dismiss or minimize your own sadness because someone else is also having a hard time. How much of your hard-won self-esteem is based on whether other people find you physically (especially sexually and romantically) attractive? While being attractive to others is important for most people, and consistent rejection in dating and relationships does hurt in ways that can be incredibly psychologically difficult, basing your sense of your own value on fleeting hotness is unstable. It’s trying to eat lunch while you’re perched on a pogo stick instead of a four-legged stool, except that pogo stick has a lifespan of less than half your average human. If you don’t know what the other three legs of your self-esteem are, and especially if your instinct is to think about all the ways you feel that you fall short in other areas of life, that’s what I’d go back to therapy to address instead of bolstering your physical confidence or seeking more soothing of your soul. If you do know what those other legs are composed of, lean on them. As for the idea that your wife is not a very affectionate person, I’m skeptical. I think she is too tired to translate her affection in the way that the world has probably taught her, her whole life, is required to be understood by the main neurotype. The history of what is now called autism spectrum disorder is full of stereotypes, many of which have turned out to be deeply at odds with the realities of the people in question. Most notable is the willful denial or outright erasure of girls who fit the diagnostic criteria that were being created by Leo Kanner and Hans Asperger at the same time (or shortly after) the work of Soviet child psychiatrist Grunya Sukhareva, who did not make that bias-born mistake in her own work, but whose own work was left out of our understanding in the West. Neurobiologist Gina Rippon’s Off the Spectrum covers the history of this and some of the resulting misconceptions, if you want to dig into the subject. Another concept that comes to bear on the matter is the double empathy problem, which suggests that autistic people and non-autistic people have such different ways of communicating that, while perfectly adequate among members of their own groups, result in major miscommunications across groups. You can see a similar mechanism at work when people from different cultures expect each other to exhibit the same speech patterns, mannerisms, and tone as their own norm—for instance, the meme of “Resting Slav Face.” Or, as sometimes happens in all sorts of communication between groups with different styles, one group holds its norm as the standard and does not put in the effort to understand the communication of the other group, or even denigrates that communication, such as framing African American Vernacular English (AAVE) as lesser rather than simply different (like, say, how we contextualize British English). You married someone in a different communication style group, as did she. Ideally, the two of you would have worked together to understand each other’s affection and communication styles before you got married, or had a child, or the child got to the toddler stage. Almost every couple with a family has something they didn’t talk through thoroughly beforehand that would have been really great to sort out before having children. It happens, and relationships absolutely can survive the discovery of those issues. She’s probably not in a place to tackle this as a team right now, but you can do some of this work on your own. When the two of you met, started dating, and decided to get married, what showed you that she was interested in you and, later, loved you? When you say that you and your wife love each other, what are you basing that statement on? Make a list of what actions and words on her part resonated with you as love, interest, and care. Think through what of that list might have been masking, which, in this case, I’m using to mean a method of communication that is required for the other person to understand the meaning that needs to be conveyed, but is at odds with authentic expression and therefore takes quite a bit of effort and energy to execute effectively. Look deeper into those memories for what actions and words might have been communicating affection but weren’t comprehended by you. Consider how she interacts with other people she cares about—are any of the possible missed signals present in how she interacts with other loved ones? Until you and your wife are able to have conversations about these things that allow you to confirm any guesses, you don’t know for certain. But you’re close enough to make educated guesses, and my hope is that those can help you understand and feel more secure. Throughout this entire process, you are free to continue feeling sad. It’s OK to miss certain ways of being touched or spoken to that you prefer or were simply used to. It’s OK to feel frustrated by the situation, yourself, and even your wife. You control your actions, not your emotions. Allowing yourself to feel those emotions without judging them is another area where therapy might be helpful. Regardless, when the dust has settled and your wife has spare energy again, approach the topic of emotional communication from a position of “We have different natural styles. How can we understand each other better and, based on that understanding, build our own shared language?” For now, look for likely ways your wife does let you know she loves you and wants you around, and hold onto those moments. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, I, (cis woman), have a partner who identifies as a transman and isn’t currently looking into getting bottom surgery. Do you have any recommendations for harnesses that can be worn on other body parts besides the pelvic area? I’ve seen ones that attach to the thigh, but beyond that, I don’t know where to even start looking. We’re working (at their pace and comfort level) up to pelvic harnesses and full penetration. So ideally, something that would allow for a riding-type experience with smaller 4 to 5-inch toys that would help us both adjust to a new dynamic. Also, are there any good online resources for trans inclusive sex toys? I live in the South, and so my in-person options for engaging with a local BDSM community are limited. —Rider in Need of a Saddle Dear Rider in Need of a Saddle, Aside from pelvic harnesses, thigh harnesses are the only other way you’re likely to get a strap-on riding-type experience. The reasons for this come down to the ways bodies are shaped and how body parts move. An elbow or shin isn’t going to give you the same stable base that a torso or upper leg does. Attaching a pelvic harness so the dong is positioned on the back will put pressure on that bit of the spinal cord and hips in a way that is likely to be both awkward and painful—if that idea does strike you and your partner’s fancy, put some good padding between the base of the dildo and their bones. Even the thigh, by virtue of being tapered in the direction of gravitational forces, and made of a combination of squishy fat and muscle that is hard when engaged, can make things really complicated. When we’re strapping a dong to a pelvis, there’s more of a shape to wrap the straps around, and usually more than two directions to place a strap. With a thigh, your options are sideways in one direction and sideways in the other. Set your expectations accordingly. Autostraddle reviewed the Sportsheets Neoprene Thigh Harness in fairly glowing terms a couple of years back, though they noted that the harness can only accommodate a maximum thigh girth of 22 inches. Aslan Leather’s thigh harness with buckle closures is a little larger—up to 23 inches—but not by much. Both brands have enough of a history of good quality that I’d be willing to trust their products. Buckles, or in the case of Sportsheets, a double Velcro closure, are important because when your partner’s thigh flexes, anything flimsy is simply going to fall off. If their thigh is close to the maximum size when at rest, do a second measurement while they’re flexing to check whether they’re likely to feel uncomfortably squeezed or dug into by the harness during activity before you purchase one. As for trans inclusive sex toys, it’d help to refine what you mean by that phrase. If the idea is to find clitoral stimulators that aren’t covered in feminine branding and aesthetics, there are plenty of brands out there. If you’re looking for FTM strokers, Buck Angel, in collaboration with Perfect Fit, proved the viability of both the product and the market for it back in 2017 with the Buck Off, and options are now prolific. New York Toy Collective produces strokers, pumps, and gender-affirming pack and play devices for trans masc anatomy at an accessible price point for the level of quality. As with any product for sexual use, you’ll want to check the exact materials and match both cleaning routines and lubricants to the material in question. The same patience you’re using with strap-on location and use will be important around any toys—unless your partner specifically requests otherwise, leave choosing their own cock to them. I’m not sure why you’d need to access a BDSM community for advice on trans sex, though I believe the same local social norms that make it hard to find kinksters to socialize with make finding local community among trans folks and their partners a challenge. Online forums might help you connect with people, at least long-distance, and possibly in your area. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, I am 58, and have never had an orgasm during intercourse with any man, ever. I have been able to “successfully” masturbate (achieve orgasm, sometimes multiple times) my entire life, but I’ve never been able to hand over the reins, so to speak. It feels like a control issue, like maybe I can’t relax enough or trust enough or something like that. I have been happily married for 19 years, and my husband and I have usually had plenty of fun in the bedroom, incorporating masturbation into our lovemaking. This has been true of past partners as well. But in the past 10 years or so, it’s been harder and harder to achieve orgasm. I just feel old, dumpy, and tired of trying. Lovemaking is not fun anymore, and I have zero sex drive. My husband is very understanding and just takes care of himself in the shower, and I assume at other times. But I love him and wish I could even just fake it for his sake—that would truly be fine with me! I know I am letting him down. So I guess I have multiple problems, rather than multiple orgasms! 1. I don’t want to have sex. 2. When I do have sex, I can’t come. 3. When I do come, I have to do it myself. 4. I am most successful in achieving orgasm when I masturbate alone. Am I really too old for sex? —Working Solo Dear Working Solo, We have to hold two truths simultaneously for a moment; there is no such thing as too old for sex, and aging often changes our bodies in ways that mean sex has to look very different from how it used to in order to be enjoyable. Given your age and the timeline, it’s pretty safe to assume that menopause coincided with this change in your orgasms and desire. That means your hormones are the thing to look at first. If you’re not using hormone replacement therapy (HRT), give it strong consideration, and if you are, this is something you should bring up with the relevant doctor. Some doctors still don’t consider libido changes, or sexual satisfaction at all, important, though many do. If you’ve got a doctor who falls in the former category, seek out a second opinion from someone in the latter. While HRT can take some trial and error to get right, and it isn’t a good fit for absolutely everyone, it’s what works best for the vast majority. If that’s not fruitful, look at your general mental health. Give Emily Nagoski’s books on desire—Come As You Are and Come Together—a read to see whether anything points to an area of your life or relationship that you can change. Presuming you feel a desire for sexual intimacy again at some point, try to reframe the way you see how you orgasm. Some women never orgasm. Many more can only orgasm with a precise type of stimulation, and some amount of that group has to handle the stimulation themselves because it’s so specific, or requires intricate changes in pacing and pressure that can only be achieved when that sensation is being both experienced and delivered by the same person. This isn’t to say that you should give up on relaxing enough to allow your husband to be the catalyzing force, or helping him learn exactly what to do at what times, but your need to do it yourself is squarely within the range of typical. I’ll add the context that, outside of those who are working to avoid orgasm the whole time, most cis men tend to take over the pace and rhythm in order to finish. Often, at that point, other stimulation from their partner can be more of a distraction than anything else, or there’s one specific type of stimulation a partner can add without interfering with them getting over the pinnacle. To me, this is the same concept, and only appears different because they’re still thrusting into their partner rather than using their hand or a toy. It’s also worth considering why you want to orgasm during penetration, and why it’s bothering you that you have to masturbate to do so. Is part of this because of ideas about how sex should generally proceed? Is there an aspect of worrying that your husband wants to feel responsible for your orgasm, and, if so, have you checked with him regarding how he actually feels? What do you imagine you’d get out of having an orgasm during intercourse, and what can that wish tell you about what you’re missing? If you can understand the pressures at play, and find ways to alleviate them, you’ll almost certainly have a less stressful experience. And sometimes taking the goal of a certain type of orgasm off the table is the thing that allows it to happen. Another tactic, by no means guaranteed but which could be helpful, is to focus on representations of women your age who are presented as attractive and shown as sexually confident. Joan Price’s entire body of work comes to mind, as do characters from TV shows like The Golden Girls and Grace and Frankie. The ways that women’s bodies and sexualities have been talked about (when they’re discussed at all) historically beat us all over the head with the messages that if our pleasure mattered at all it was as much a source of suspicion, shame, or service to men’s egos as anything else, and that the only body worth appreciating is one that is taut, trim, and fertile. Very few of us were lucky enough to have vocal role models from older generations in our lives to counter those narratives. Borrow some. —Jessica More Advice From Slate My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for four. About a year after we got married, he told me about his kink. This is not something he had ever mentioned prior to marriage. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex