Is marrying your childhood sweetheart romantic — or too ‘conservative’ now?

Kate and her partner Stepan are from the same town (Picture: Kate Rice) From office romances to holiday flings, we all love to hear about a meet-cute. But the matches that often receive the biggest ‘aw’ are the stories of people who met as teenagers — when snogs in the school canteen turned into fully-fledged adult relationships, complete with houses, cars and kids. But is settling down with your childhood sweetheart really all it’s cracked up to be? For many, the mere thought of dating the same guy you once tried to win over on MSN Messenger is nothing short of horrifying. Recently, writer Chanté Joseph, who penned Vogue’s viral Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? article, labelled the childhood sweetheart trope ‘relationship propaganda’, dubbing it ‘weird and conservative.’ Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. While she was clear to point out that she’s not against childhood sweetheart relationships themselves, it was society’s view of them, that she had a problem with. Chanté told her followers: ‘I think the glorification of childhood sweetheart relationships as an indicator that you are a decent, moral, respectable person really needs to be challenged and dismantled.’ She continued: ‘I think there’s something about this that feels very conservative coded. This whole, you meet your partner at 16, you stay together for the rest of your lives, they’re the only person you’re with. ‘There’s an element of purity culture…this idea of sleeping with more people corrupts… I find that stuff really strange.’ Why do we romanticise childhood sweethearts? ‘It’s linked to our cultural attachment to monogamy as the romantic ideal,’ says Dr Kathryn Higgins, researcher and writer at Goldsmiths. ‘The monogamous ideal invites us to pretend, when we fall in love, that it’s the first and only time it has ever happened to us. ‘Even though many of us fall in love more than once in our lives, we’re not very comfortable with this as a culture. ‘The idea of childhood sweethearts spending their lives together is this fantasy come to life. It’s monogamy taken to its furthest extreme.’ If we’re lucky, we might meet our soulmate when we’re young…or are we? (Picture: Getty Images) There’s gender inequality involved too. When men remain loyal to one person for their whole lives it’s seen as a ‘character boost,’ for women, it’s an ‘expectation.’ ‘We don’t hear a lot of praise for women who choose to remain with the same man for their entire lives,’ adds Kathryn. ‘We still view it as natural and normal for men to want to pursue sexual variety in their lives, while women are criticised and stigmatised for doing the same thing.’ However, Kathryn adds the childhood sweetheart trope is only ‘conservative’ when it’s held up as an ideal. ‘It becomes conservative when we mistake the length of a partnership, or the degree of sexual and romantic exclusivity, for the quality of the partnership. ‘Just because two people have been together since they were teenagers, doesn’t mean they’re happy.’ 'There's something special about with someone who remembers younger versions of you' BAPC-registered therapist Roya Royle says that childhood sweetheart relationships often turn into successful adult partnerships. ‘As teens, we’re figuring out who we are, what we value and what kind of life we want to build,’ she says. ‘If you meet your partner at 15 or 16 and stay together, you are essentially growing up alongside someone.’ Roya says that this can give you a ‘profound sense’ not just of being seen, but understood. ‘There’s something very appealing about having a shared origin story. It can give people a powerful sense of continuity and belonging. ‘I also think there’s something very special about having someone who remembers the younger versions of you. If you can grow together without becoming trapped in old roles, that can be a real strength.’ ‘I’m engaged to the person I met when I was 17’ Kate Rice, now 27, recently got engaged to her partner, Stepan. They’ve been together for the last 10 years, and met at a mutual friend’s party. Their first coffee date lasted for six hours, and they’ve been together ever since. She tells Metro: ‘Our first date was an everything-clicked-into-place moment. I instantly knew that he was going to be someone I was with for a long time, and we haven’t left each other’s side since then.’ They’ve been together since they were 17 (Picture: Kate Rice) Kate grew up surrounded by extended family who had also been with their partners since they were teenagers, but still, she admits she was sceptical about the idea that you could stay with someone you met so young. ‘I was expecting the bubble to break because I was like, there’s no way this is a realistic thing. Everyone breaks up with their childhood sweetheart,’ she says. ‘We just never did.’ Kate says boys at university would tease her about staying with the same person, and she admits she’s never had a ‘wild phase’ — but also never wanted one in the first place: ‘I’ve always been content with just the two of us,’ she says. The pair made sure to build their own individual lives, attending different universities, and while they have shared friends, they also keep separate social lives. Kate Rice is ‘content’ in her relationship (Picture: Kate Rice) Now, they’re looking forward to getting hitched. ‘There are so many great things about being with someone so long, because they know you in a way that no one else does,’ says Kate. ‘We’ve seen every version of each other. We’ve always got each other’s back.’ ‘I split with my high school boyfriend after 10 years — thank God’ Joelle* met her first love when she was 16, at school. ‘We stayed together all through university, before moving in and buying a flat together,’ she tells Metro. ‘At the time, I remember thinking how lovely it was that we’d grown up together, and then we were also going to grow old together too, but it’s not as idyllic as it seems.’ Joelle says she was trying to fit into the life that her boyfriend wanted. ‘He was keen to buy a house in the suburbs, and start to think about settling down. ‘But we were in our mid-20s and found ourselves living in a house we could barely afford, surrounded by families in their 30s. ‘My friends were living exciting lives in London, and I was so jealous.’ She adds that she feels their relationship was ‘stunted’. ‘When your early days of dating start off in your childhood bedroom, it never properly matures. ‘As a couple, you never got to experience those late-night link ups, or first dates in the city. Instead you’re watching TV on your parents’ sofa.’ Society often romanticises the idea of childhood sweethearts (Picture: Getty Images) Another big con of staying with your sweetheart for Joelle? The sex. ‘He was the first person I’d ever slept with. I’m glad it was him, but looking back, sex can be so much better than what we had. I just didn’t know it at the time. ‘I shudder at the thought that he could have been the only guy I’d ever seen naked.’ Eventually, Joelle says the pair realised they both wanted more. ‘We split up, and went on to live entirely different lives. He very quickly got married and had two kids. I’m childfree, having fun dating and travelling the world. Deals of the Day Wuka launches the UK’s first period-proof swimwear for heavy flows Bridgerton fans are rushing to buy these new Netflix-inspired perfumes now £12 off The affordable summer wardrobe update you'll wear from rooftop drinks to beach holidays The £7.99 lip balm beauty fans love for glossy, hydrated lips just dropped four new shades This Keskine hydrogel mask could fix your summer skin ‘We could have so easily stayed together, and lived a mediocre family life. Thank God our story ended differently.’ Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@metro.co.uk Arrow MORE: The porn industry is getting behind this unexpected body part Arrow MORE: This is the one question to ask yourself before you admit to cheating Arrow MORE: ‘Snog scabs’ are the unexpected consequence of a really good date The Hook Up Metro's hottest newsletter, with juicy stories and tips for spicing things up in the bedroom. 18+