In 10 Years, I’ve Never Met My Mother-in-Law. I Think It’s Time, But My Husband Is Standing Firm.

Dear Prudence Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 25, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Tatiana Buzmakova/Getty Images Plus and Yurii Karvatskyi/Getty Images Plus. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married to him for four, and I’ve never met my mother-in-law. Apparently, she’s a challenging personality who weaponizes any snippet of personal information into cruel stories that always position her as a martyr, hero, and saint in a bizarre fantasy world. At some point, my hubby just created some distance and stopped giving her or anyone connected to her any information about his life. Their conversations are hilarious—he mutes her on speakerphone and occasionally chips in non-committal remarks while she gleefully tells another hour-long, hair-raising story. When we got married, he only invited friends with no connection to his family. He has no social media accounts, limits personal contact to the very occasional solo dinner, and never allows his picture to be taken or shares anything. The thing is, I’m pregnant and I cannot imagine not sharing that news with my husband’s family. He’s adamant that it can never happen, but I feel strongly that he will come to regret that choice, and I don’t believe that this situation can continue forever. Is this something I should push on? Should I let it go? Or should I be patient? This can’t last, right? —Divided Dear Divided, Your husband knows his mother much better than you do. Right now it seems normal and important to share the news of your pregnancy with her. But by keeping her out of the loop, you’re avoiding a future in which you have a baby (and probably feel especially emotional and vulnerable) and she does what she’s always done, creating a false and painful narrative related to you and your child or her relationship with you. By pushing for any kind of connection with this woman, I really think you’d be asking for pain and stress (and a husband who is in distress in a way that takes away from his ability to be present for your new family). Tell yourself you can revisit the issue after you’ve settled into your rhythm as parents. But for now, let it go. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My husband and I are both from the same somewhat niche religious background that has a lot of very conservative (and often hateful), members in my opinion. Meeting my in-laws was very stressful to me. I was just coming out of a difficult stretch with my parents, who refused to talk to me after I snapped when years of resentment built. I was terrified to meet his parents out of fear they would remind me of my own parents or, worse, be actively hostile. I was scared that his white adoptive parents (he’s mixed, and I’m white-passing) would be racist or so blinded by religion that they wouldn’t approve of us co-habitating/not being chaste. Instead, I met the most supportive and lovely people who I’m happy to call my family. From the moment we met, they have invited me to every family outing and family dinner. They have taken me to concerts of bands we all like and made me a meal when a grandparent was having some health concerns, among many other kindnesses. They’re also supportive of my transgender sibling, which means the world to me. Prudence, my question is how on earth do I repay these lovely people even a little bit for the kindnesses they’ve shown me? I have brought back little presents from trips and written little notes (which were posted on the fridge, squee!) but nothing ever feels like enough. I’m a broke graduate student and whenever I bake a treat for them, the plate is returned with more treats for me. What should I do? —Feeling Indebted to the Salt of the Earth Dear Indebted, This sounds really, really nice, and I’m so happy for you. However, you’re kind of acting as if these kind people moved into an RV so you could live in their home, had a statue erected in your honor, and took on second jobs so they could buy you frivolous gifts. Don’t get me wrong, everything they’ve done is wonderful, but you have to change the way you’re thinking about it. They are not sacrificing time, money or emotional energy for your comfort, you’re not in their debt, and they don’t need to be made whole. They are inviting you to events and making loving gestures because they love you and because they enjoy being around you. They are stopping up when your grandparent has a health concern because they love you and want to ease your stress. They are supportive of your transgender sibling because they love you, they are decent people, and the people who matter to you matter to them. The thing your in-laws are getting in return for all of this is a relationship with you. You’re the prize! They are not in it for brownies and souvenirs from your travels. They’re in it for a meaningful connection with someone who is a valued addition to their family. Of course, it’s a good instinct to make sure the sweet gestures don’t only go in one direction, and you should continue to be thoughtful to them, but please separate from your mind the idea that you need to even the score. I can’t resist inviting you to step into my virtual, totally unlicensed therapist’s office and asking you to give some thought to whether your upbringing convinced you that you were not worthy of love, affection, and support unless you provided some concrete value in return. If you think there’s anything to that, please challenge yourself to embrace a different story about your experience and your place in the world: Your parents, for whatever reason, couldn’t offer you unconditional love. But this was an indictment of them, not you. And your adult experience is full of evidence that you’re a delightful person who is worthy of care, consideration, and affection. Try to become attuned to the moments when you feel frantic about repaying debts or holding onto the love your in-laws have offered. Feeling undeserving and insecure can shape your behavior in weird ways that damage relationships, and I don’t want that to happen to you. A healthy way to express your appreciation for your husband’s parents would be to simply tell them. Write a letter, maybe pegged to a holiday or birthday, or maybe for no reason at all. The fact that they posted the notes you’ve written in the past on the refrigerator is evidence that this would be meaningful to them. Tell them what you told me here: that you were scared to meet them and were worried they wouldn’t accept you; that you’ve been blown away by the way they’ve treated you; that you are so grateful to have them in your life; that you think often about how you can repay them for all their kindness. I guarantee they won’t say, “Bring us more gifts and do more baking.” Dear Prudence, I’m the black sheep of my family, but they refuse to acknowledge it, and it’s getting really irritating. Basically, my family (especially my parents) have this idea in their heads of who I am/should be. Especially at family gatherings, they interact with me like I’m that person instead of who/how I really am. Then they get confused or angry when I don’t follow the script. For example, they know but refuse to acknowledge the fact I’m an atheist. So whenever any conversation related to religion comes up, I inevitably have a different perspective, and when I even gently hint at that perspective, they respond with confusion or irritation. I’m also an introvert who, as I’ve explained to them several times, needs to step away sometimes to recharge from overstimulation at long gatherings. They seem to act like this fact of my brain wiring is a personal insult to them. All of this leads to me feeling like you could replace me with an A.I. at family functions and it would have basically the same effect: They’re not seeing or interacting with me, they’re treating me like someone else, and at least an A.I. would be able to give them what they want. Except they also want my enthusiastic and happy presence and get mad when I try to skip things, so I can’t win. They don’t want me, they want someone me-shaped. How do I deal with that? —Black Sheep Dear Black Sheep, Running your responses to their remarks through a chatbot at family events probably wouldn’t make for the smoothest conversation, so let’s skip that! Instead, why don’t you flip the script on them? Who says they’re the only ones who get to be surprised, confused, or irritated? It would be an interesting (and hopefully empowering) exercise to show up at the next gathering really leading with your black-sheep qualities and good-naturedly giving them a taste of their own medicine when they bristle. Here’s an example: You: I can’t believe Texas teachers are having to post the Ten Commandments on their walls. As an atheist, I really have a problem with it. Cluesless relatives: What?? Are you opposed to God? You: Mom, do we need to get you assessed for cognitive decline? You’re kidding me, right? You remember when I was 10 I started asking you questions about things that didn’t add up to me in Church! You are so funny about forgetting where I stand on this stuff! You: Time for me to have my introvert time! I’ll be sitting outside for a few minutes Aunt: What?? You want to escape the family?? I’ve never heard of such a thing! You: Well, respectfully, you’ve heard about it every time I’ve been at a family party for the past two decades, so I know you must be kidding. And actually, admitting that you’re feeling overstimulated is all the rage. While I’m gone, ask any of the cousins under the age of 40 to show you some TikToks about it. We will review what you learned when I get back and feel ready to engage again! —Jenée Classic Prudie I am vegan. I don’t put my personal choices on anyone else, but I do have to be vigilant in what I eat and prepare for myself. The problem is with my 11-year-old stepdaughter “Annie.” Annie has a bad habit of deciding she doesn’t want the food ordered for her and wants mine instead. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Marriage