I’m Worried I’m Crossing a Line With My Tween Son. But I Don’t Know How to Stop.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Liudmila Chernetska/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I am a single mother to a 12-year-old boy. Because of our circumstances, between the ages of 0 and 9, my son and I shared a room and often a bed. At about 7, he would start the night in his bed, but then always wound up in mine. This was extra rough because I only had a twin bed.Cut to a few years later, and we both have our own rooms …. Most of the last year, he slept in his bed and his room the whole night. Sure, there were the odd nightmares or something else where he would need to crawl into my bed, but they were rare. Last year was a disaster all over the place, and my kid spent most of the year with his grandparents, just a few blocks away. I’d see him but it wasn’t practical to have him home with me since I work the night shift as a nurse. Now he is back to living with me. But since he came home he has regressed, and he has spent more nights in my bed with me than not. Otherwise, I have to lay down in his bed and snuggle him until he is totally asleep. I’m very aware that he isn’t a small kid anymore and is very much in the throes of puberty. At this point am I doing some sort of psychological harm allowing him to sleep in my bed? Or snuggling him for a little bit on his bed as he falls asleep? What is “normal” here? When does allowing the opposite sex kid to crawl into bed cross a line? I just want to make sure I’m not going to cause more issues! —Trying Not to Cross Lines Dear Trying Not to Cross Lines, If your son shared a room and a bed with you until the age of 9, it’s not that unusual that he still struggles to sleep alone at 12. It’s only been three years since you began the process of separating your sleep routines. Your family’s pandemic circumstances have resulted in some understandable regression, but it’s not too late to steer your tween back to his own room and bed. And that’s definitely where he should be at this point in his development. Clearly, you and your son are close and he still relies on you a great deal, especially at bedtime. It’s OK to carve out time for pre-bedtime cuddles and even to let him climb into bed with you in case of a nightmare, but at this point, nightly bed sharing should definitely be phased out.Remind him of when he was sleeping so well independently. Figure out what you both did well to ensure that year was a success. Tell him how important it is for you both to return to the good habits you set back then. As a nurse, you need your rest, and as a student, he needs his. Whether he realizes it or not, sleeping together is disrupting sleep for both of you. It delays his process of figuring out how to fall asleep and stay asleep on his own, a skill he’ll need for the rest of his life, and it places you in the unenviable nighttime position of putting off your own well-deserved relaxation in order to ensure his. Puberty is an excellent time for setting new boundaries. Sleeping alone should be one of your son’s. Expect some initial pushback but try to remain firm in your refusal to let him keep sleeping in your bed. If it’s still an issue after a few months, consider seeking the help of a counselor to determine if he’s suffering from anxieties you’re no longer able to address with him on your own. —Stacia L. Brown From: Dear Care and Feeding: Is It Inappropriate for My 12-Year-Old and Me to Share a Bed?(September 20th, 2021). Dear Care and Feeding, My son “Thomas” just started 10th grade two weeks ago. In science class, his assigned lab partner is a girl, “Ava,” who he hadn’t met before. Since the second day of school, Ava has shown a clear interest in Thomas … She waits outside his class for him at the beginning of lunch and at the end of the day. She texts him every day asking him to come with her for one activity or another. The first weekend after school started, she texted him multiple times asking if he wanted to hang out that weekend. She follows him around the hallways at school. Thomas is feeling overwhelmed by all this. He went on a couple of outings with Ava during lunch, but says he is not interested in more. He says that Ava is a decent lab partner, but he does not want to be spending so much time with her after class and is uncomfortable with her frequent texts. However, he doesn’t want to hurt Ava’s feelings or make things awkward between them, since they will be in class together for the rest of the semester. Thomas is becoming increasingly upset by this and is now anxious about returning to school. How can I help him with this situation? —Lab Partner Drama Dear Lab Partner Drama, Unwanted attention can be very uncomfortable, and it sounds like Thomas feels out of his depth in explaining to Ava that he doesn’t welcome her advances. I’m guessing that before a few weeks ago, neither of them has had in-person school for quite some time, which could be heightening both Ava’s eagerness to make a new friend (or a more-than-friend) and Thomas’ discomfort with that eagerness. Regardless, he has every right to tell Ava he isn’t interested in spending time with her outside of their lab. And telling her that will be among the first of many opportunities he’ll have to let someone know that he isn’t interested in socializing with them. It’s a skill he’ll need to hone, and you’re in a great position to help him develop it. Ava is being direct with Thomas. Thomas should, in turn, be direct with Ava. He should be as clear in his disinterest as she is in her interest, letting her know that he’d rather keep their interaction limited to their class time and projects. But make sure that he understands that being direct needn’t be cruel. He enjoys being her lab partner; he can lead with that, letting her know that he appreciates being able to count on her to contribute to their assignments. Having the conversation in person, perhaps at the end of their shared class, would also help. Unlike expressing his feelings via text, talking to Ava in person should preempt the need for a follow-up conversation. It may not do much to soften the blow, but a kind word, delivered face-to-face, can go a long way toward making a hard truth easier to hear and accept. —Stacia L. Brown From: Dear Care and Feeding: My Husband Needs Help Controlling His Anger. (October 4th, 2021). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My 11-month-old won’t stop throwing food on the floor at mealtimes. He has always been a fussy eater: He had a tough time staying still long enough to breastfeed for more than four months, and he struggled to finish bottles of formula because he was more interested in moving and looking around. Solids have generally been easier and more interesting for him, especially now that he’s able to eat finger foods. But he’s in a phase of flinging his food everywhere instead of eating it. Sometimes it seems like he throws food as a cue that he’s full, but other times he throws food after one or no bites at all. I’m just worried that he is not eating enough, as he has always been slightly underweight. Sweeping up scattered pieces of food is getting old and depressing, and it’s making me feel like I’m doing something wrong here and fundamentally misunderstanding my child. How can I make sure the food I prepare for him actually makes its way into his mouth? —Brought a Wipe to a Food Fight Dear Brought a Wipe, I remember this phase, where I wondered how in the world my child would ever be able to eat without requiring a bib with a bucket at the bottom and an aggressive post-meal wipe-down of her face and arms. The advice that worked for me came out of Ellyn Satter’s “division of responsibility” paradigm. There’s a lot more on that here, but basically Satter teaches that you, as the parent, control when the food is given and what’s served, but you cannot control whether they eat and how much. Satter-aligned dietitians (here’s one) will say that food-throwing in older babies and toddlers, which is normal (if extremely annoying), should be handled in the following way: Explain to him before eating starts that food needs to stay on the table or on the highchair tray. (I know, he’s only 11 months old, but I swear they understand more than we think!) Then, when he first throws food, give one warning: “I see you’re throwing food. If you throw again, I’ll know you’re done!” Then, if he throws again, clear away the food. You have to do it in a nice way, not punitively, because this shouldn’t become a power struggle. Take the juice out of it, but be very consistent. This (plus just the simple fact of getting older and more civilized) is how my child learned. I predict you may have trouble with this advice, because you say you are worried about how much he eats. Toddlers eat more inconsistently, and sometimes less, than babies, so this thing where he sometimes tries only one bite per meal may be your new reality. Is your pediatrician concerned? If they’re not, then your job is to squash down the part of your mind that insists that “getting him” to eat is your responsibility. Trying to “get” a kid to eat leads to all kinds of shenanigans, and cleaning up thrown food five times a day will only be the beginning! The more you can do to change your mindset now, the better. —Rebecca Onion From: Dear Care and Feeding: A Gang of Neighborhood Kids Is Holding Me Hostage in My Own Home. (October 6th, 2021). Classic Prudie My stepsister and I are not close—our parents married while we were in high school—but we have always been civil. I thought I would be helping her out in this scenario, but then she turned on me. 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