I’m with a doting guy who loves me but I can’t stop incredible sex with my uncaring ex

DEAR DEIDRE: THE man who loves me is kind and reliable, and sits in our lounge watching TV while I have incredible sex with my uncaring ex. I’m trapped in a situation of my own making, and I have no idea how to sort it out. I’m 25, and for the past two years, I have been with a really lovely guy a couple of years older. He adores me, and he recently moved into my place. The problem is I know I don’t love him the way he loves me. He’s sweet, but he’s never going to rock my world, or my bed. Our sex life is now non-existent and our relationship feels like a comfortable routine. So when I bumped into my ex, who is the same age as me, at the pub, my stomach flipped with excitement. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial I used to be so in love with him but when we were together, he kept me at arm’s length, going out with his mates every weekend without a word about where he’d been or who with. When I finally met my current boyfriend, I told my ex I was moving on, desperately hoping that he would fight for me. Instead, he just shrugged and said, “Fine by me, you do what you want.” Still he was really pleased to see me again and gave me a big hug. We ended up at his place, and the chemistry was better than ever. We had wild sex that left me wanting more. Now, I am secretly sleeping with him even though he knows I have a boyfriend. But I’m not stupid. I know my ex doesn’t love me. He even tells me I should be single. I’m hopelessly torn between security without passion, and passion without a future. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Staying in a loveless, sexless relationship isn’t fair to either of you so it would be best to end the arrangement. At your age you are far too young to settle for second best, and dragging this out is unfair to a guy who seems to genuinely adore you. However, having sex with your ex is not the answer either. Thrilling chemistry is great, but he clearly has zero interest in giving you a real future or emotional commitment. What you need right now is some quality time alone. Take a step back and discover how fulfilling life can be without relying on a man. Focus on your own interests, building new friendships, and discovering who you are on your own. It will help you build confidence and improve your chances of happiness with someone new. CAN’T GET OVER WIFE’S OLD FLING DEAR DEIDRE: A LATE-night conversation about our pasts has completely floored me. I was caught off guard when my wife revealed she had a very brief fling with an old friend of mine. I am devastated. I am 49 and my wife is 48. We have been together for 18 years and I believed that we had the perfect relationship. We are also bringing up our two lovely teenage boys. Neither of us had a long list of exes, so I wasn’t expecting any bombshell confessions from her. But then she casually told me that, before we met, she’d had a brief fling with an old friend of mine. To make matters worse, he is someone who is still in our social circle, someone I still see from time to time. Now, every single time I look at him, I have to stop myself from going over and asking him for the truth. It happened more than 20 years ago, yet it feels new to me. I am tormented by mental images of them together. It’s constantly on my mind, but it is worse when my wife and I are having sex. I’m really struggling to get over this. Why can’t I let this go and move forward? I would give anything to go back to a time when I didn’t know about them. How can I get a grip of these overwhelming feelings? I am consumed by a need to know every single detail about them. DEIDRE SAYS: Digging for details will only make this hurt more. This was a brief fling long before your relationship even began. Ask yourself if the real objection here is that they both shared a secret you were left out of for so long. Instead of cross-examining her, you should open up to your wife about the emotional toll this is taking on you – but do resist the urge to ask her for specifics. Just bringing this out into the open will put what happened so many years ago into proper perspective. If you still can’t shake the mental image, reach out to relate.org.uk (0300 100 1234) to help you process this. HUBBY DID NOTHING AS I BLED DEAR DEIDRE: BLOOD was pouring from my hand, yet my husband stood there watching me grab a dishcloth to put over the cut, completely indifferent. I’m 43, he’s 41 and, after 18 years of marriage, much of it overshadowed by his depression, I thought we had finally turned a corner. The last two years had been wonderful since he got his medication right, but everything shattered the moment a jagged tin lid sliced my hand open. Instead of offering to take me to hospital, he refused because he didn’t want to miss a team-building dinner with his new colleagues. I had to drive 15 miles alone. The triage nurse was horrified I’d been left to drive there myself. I understand making a good impression at work matters, but being abandoned in an emergency showed me where his priorities lie. DEIDRE SAYS: What a painful ordeal to go through. I wonder if your husband simply didn’t realise how bad your injury was. Tell him how you feel and give him a chance to apologise. It may be he panicked over the work dinner and this clouded his judgment. If his uncaring reaction links to workplace stress or depression, check if his medication needs adjusting. For expert advice contact mind.org.uk (0300 123 3393). My support pack Dealing With Depression will help you too. BEDROOM ANXIETY SINCE STI DEIDRE SAYS: I’M head-over-heels in love with my girlfriend, but our sex life is non-existent. We have been together for six amazing months now. I am 31 and she is 28, and stunningly good-looking. I fancy her so much, but we have never slept together. My issues started 12 years ago when I lost my virginity to my first girlfriend. She gave me an STI, leaving me with a serious sexual health scare and deep psychological scars. Now I suffer from overwhelming performance anxiety. I can only perform if sex happens unexpectedly. If sex feels planned or expected in any way, my mind panics, I freeze, and I simply can’t perform. My ex tried to be understanding at first, but ultimately lost patience and left. I am scared that history is about to repeat itself. I love my girlfriend, but I am genuinely worried that this will drive a wedge between what we have. DEIDRE SAYS: Unless you open up about our past and explain why you are holding back, your girlfriend is going to assume she is the problem Remind her how attractive and lovely you find her and reassure her that you are committed to sorting out this issue. Take intercourse completely off the table for now and focus on loving, pressure-free touch. Once the expectation is removed, your anxiety may fade so sex happens naturally. If not, sex therapy is the best option. My support pack, How Sex Therapy Helps, explains more