I’m This Close to Getting the Sex Room of My Dreams. My Wife Has a Frustrating Objection.

How to Do It It’s the perfect time to do it. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My wife and I are empty nesters now that our youngest has moved out of state for her first “adult” job at a major tech firm. We have always been into BDSM, and I think now would be the perfect time to convert one of the kids’ old rooms into a sex dungeon. My wife, however, is against the idea, citing that she would not be comfortable doing anything sexual in a room that belonged to our kids. Can you give me some suggestions for helping her overcome her hang-ups? —Dungeon Debate Dear Dungeon Debate, You’re assuming that I’m on your side, but I’m not really. Your wife comes to the table with a good argument against the renovation: She wouldn’t be comfortable doing anything in a room that your child once inhabited. “I’m not comfortable” is probably the best possible argument here, in fact. How do you even counter that? Outright deny the validity of her feelings? Gaslight her into believing that what she feels isn’t what she feels? Good luck getting anywhere by behaving dismissively and/or unethically. As with virtually everything sexual, if you don’t move at the pace of the slowest participant, you’re headed for trouble. Furthermore, you’re positioning your side of the debate as a given. Your tone is very, “Because I said so.” If you can’t do better than that, you have no argument. I think the question isn’t about how to help your wife overcome her hang-ups; I think it’s more about why you want to have this kind of contact with someone in an environment that she says would make her uncomfortable. The best sex is that which everyone is on board with. You weren’t wrong for having the idea. It makes sense! But pursuing it despite your wife’s clear discomfort would be a huge misstep. This is to say nothing of having to explain to your adult child why their room has been converted into a sex dungeon, or at minimum, that it is no longer accessible to them without explanation. Perhaps time will make this option more attractive to your wife, but don’t count on it. You’d be better off dropping the subject. —Rich More Advice From Slate I (25 cis woman) just started having sex about four months ago. Since then, I’ve had sex with four people (all cis men)—one of them twice, and the others once. All the experiences have been fun and enjoyable, and I’ve overall felt safe and comfortable. This may seem low-stakes and is a good problem to have, but I keep being asked the same thing… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex