I’m the Only Sibling Who Knows About My Dad’s “Other” Side. I Have a Plan for After He’s Gone.

Dear Prudence Prudie replies to readers’ comments and suggestions. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 07, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Slate, Slim3D/Getty Images Plus, krung99/Getty Images Plus, and Nadia Deich/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday. Hey Prudie, Re Haunted, But Not By Ghosts: I wonder if her sister knows something about their father that she is worried will shatter the letter writer’s image of him. For example: My father is not a good man, but my siblings, still, worship the ground he walks on. As the oldest, I know about a lot of things they don’t: affairs, stalking, possible illegitimate children, financial crimes, and my own sexual abuse, among other things. I’ve given up trying to talk to them about it because they don’t believe me, and at this point, I’ve realized it would break their hearts to know the truth about the kind of person their father is. As such, when he dies, I’m going to empty his house of any proof of anything he might have left behind. I’ve made my peace with that. Haunted’s situation probably isn’t as dramatic as all that but if he was closeted his whole life, as she suspects, I wouldn’t be surprised if the sister is aware of some kind of affair that happened when they were kids, decided it was her place to protect her sister from knowing about that, and blamed it on the brother-in-law she knows her sister doesn’t like. I’m not saying this is the right thing to do, but I am saying I understand why one would do it. It feels like the best option, especially if you’ve spent your whole life protecting a sibling or keeping a parent’s secrets. I could be totally off base, but I do think her tossing the journals was more of an act of love than an act of cruelty; it was just miscalculated. —Complicated Legacies Hmm, the plot (possibly) thickens. It would be worth it to have a conversation that starts with, “Is there anything you know about Dad that I should know? I promise you I’m emotionally prepared to hear it.” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Hey Prudie, The line, “I’ve never had the nerve to flat out ask,” makes me wonder if Tattered and Torn has actually had a frank conversation about what they want (or don’t want) from Oliver, especially as it relates to gifts. In my experience, there are three styles of gift givers. The first type is those who really put thought and effort into picking an item based on what they know of the person, their tastes, and desires. These gifts may be more whimsical and fun. The second style is those who give gifts that they believe will get used regularly by the recipient. These gifts are more practical, but maybe they’re on the higher end (think the difference between giving someone a set of cookware or a Le Creuset). The third style is those who stop at Walgreens to get a can of popcorn at 4 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Obviously, the last style is more performative. The second type of gift giver might seem somewhat insensitive; I’ve learned over the years that from their perspective, they’re spending money on something practical so you don’t have to. Their idea of a good gift is something that the person will definitely use, rather than something that will just sit on a dresser collecting dust (as a side note, if Oliver came from money, it’s possible his home growing up was full of things like that, and he doesn’t feel like it’s a good use of money). The question is, has the letter writer voiced this to Oliver? It’s one thing if the LW has expressed multiple times that they would prefer to receive more sentimental gifts or that they don’t like hiking and camping. But if the LW has been hinting or beating around the bush, it seems like Oliver isn’t getting it. I think the LW owes it to both themself and Oliver to have a frank conversation first before breaking up. —Not So Subtle Your breakdown of the types of gift givers is perfect. That is so accurate, and it actually made me self reflect a bit because I was raised in a family in which almost everyone was in the first category, like “Here’s a pair of socks embroidered with a picture of a giraffe because that’s your favorite animal and a special fancy pencil from the same boutique because you like to write” and married into a practical gift family in which the idea is just to predict the next big purchase the recipient might make and do it for them (like “Here’s a portable air conditioner for your screened in patio”). I’ve often labeled the latter approach as somehow wrong or against the spirit of holidays, but it’s actually just different. Also, the fact that people in both of these groups end up turning to the Walgreens popcorn category of gifts when time is short is probably what has shaped the argument I’m always making that adults just shouldn’t give each other presents. Because Walgreens popcorn (or a Pilates ball from TJ Maxx, or a shower gel and loofah set that’s just a regular shower gel and loofah set with excessive red and green packaging) is so pointless! But back to the LW and Oliver. It is possible that she could ask for a tweak to his approach to vacations and gifts, and he’d say “sure,” and they could be totally happy, aside from the kid thing. There’s nothing to lose, so it’s definitely worth a try. I would just want to caution her to think carefully about whether she would want to stay in a relationship with someone who gave her wonderful romantic presents and took her to Europe but remained unsure about having children. Hey Prudie, Prudie, I think you missed the mark on Tattered and Torn. She may need to dump Oliver! However, the letter writer sounds like she has really low self-esteem, and nowhere in the letter has she suggested that she has talked to Oliver about these problems. Gift-giving, especially, can be a really low-stakes conflict that can be resolved through explicit communication. If this letter writer has talked through these conflicts and desires with Oliver and he isn’t responsive, they should break up! If she hasn’t, she should try explicitly asking for some of these things she wants. Something you didn’t really address in your response is the low self-esteem evident from the letter-writer. Regardless of what’s going on with Oliver, it sounds like she is afraid to ask for the things she wants and needs, even from those closest to her, because her birth defect makes her desires somehow unreasonable. I urge the letter writer, outside of her relationship, to seek out therapy to try and treat herself more kindly and lovingly. Every relationship has its compromises, but strong relationships all share a mutual desire and effort to care for the other’s happiness. —SnoodLover You’re absolutely right. And now that I think of it, the fact that their differences around gifts and trips make her think “I’m unloved and unlovable” rather than “Maybe we’re incompatible” points to a self-esteem issue that would definitely follow her to her next relationship. Hey Prudie, Re Tired Neighbor: I lived in apartments for years, including in NYC. It doesn’t sound like they’re doing anything obnoxious, so you’re going to have to figure out how to deal with it. Why not get a white noise machine to sleep with (less cumbersome than headphones)? Play music while you’re around the house during the day. Until you either get a top-floor apartment or a single-family home, you are going to have noise around you. If you really can’t take it, get some soundproofing tiles and put them on your ceiling. And also remember that the people below you can hear you walking around as well. —Chareth Cutestory Yep. There are a bunch of things that can be pieced together to make the situation a little more tolerable, but it’s not going to be completely fixed. Hey Prudie, Re Not a Kid Person: Unfortunately, some of us ARE on the receiving end of having infants literally shoved into our arms, or at least having to have a conversation for WAY too long after, “Do you want to hold her???” is met with a polite, “No, thank you.” (“Why nooooot? Just for a minute? What if you like THIS one? Just try it!” Sometimes they even come back around to point out that John/Peter/Belinda have now held the baby, so it’s now your turn, and you need to have the conversation again.) Here is a script that has worked beautifully for me: “Actually, my doctor has told me to avoid babies! For some reason I routinely test positive for TB in those arm scratch tests, and while my lungs come up clear on the X-rays, the doctors say that technically I COULD pass it on to someone with a very weak immune system. Like your baby. I’d hate to give him tuberculosis; that would be a real bummer!” They generally start backing away on their own at this point, and no one has ever had follow-up questions. Hope this helps! —Nichita OK, I will concede that maybe my judgment was clouded by having clingy babies who absolutely would not have participated in this type of activity. (But also nobody ever shoved a baby at me in the entire 40 years before I had one!) Regardless, your script is flawless. Classic Prudie My husband achieved professional success and wealth early in life. His work involved long hours and lots of stress, and by his 30s he decided that he wanted out. His accumulated wealth could easily support our lifestyle indefinitely, so he retired about 18 months ago, shortly after the birth of our first child. He has not found anything to do in that time! Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. 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