I’m terrified of my violent cheating husband… he smashed up the house and pushed me after I dumped him

DEAR DEIDRE: DISCOVERING my husband’s affair was devastating — but the way he behaved after the truth came out was truly shocking. I’m 39, he’s 42, and we’ve been together for 12 years. Our marriage hasn’t been smooth sailing all the time, but I always felt we were both committed. Then, a few weeks ago, everything changed when I spotted him in a restaurant with another woman. I had popped out for a coffee, and there he was, sitting across from her, laughing, touching her hand and looking more loved-up than I had seen him in years. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I couldn’t bring myself to walk over, so I left and went home. After hours of crying, I sent him a message to tell him our marriage was over. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial I thought he would be upset, but the last thing I expected was for him to turn up at our house that night drunk and furious. He scream­ed at me, called me awful names and blamed me for everything. When I asked him to leave, he started pushing me and threatening to smash up the house. I was so terrified I locked myself away in the bathroom and called the police. Looking back, there had been moments when his temper got the better of him, but I’d never been frightened of him until that night. Officers arrived quickly and escorted him from the house, and he is now staying with his mum, but I haven’t felt safe since. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder and worrying about the future. I’m trying to be strong, but I’m terrified this isn’t the end of it. DEIDRE SAYS: His cheating was deeply hurtful and it’s understandable you feel devastated. But what happened afterwards changed the situation from a relationship problem into a safety issue. There is never any excuse for intimidation, threats or physical violence, no matter what has happened between you. You did the right thing by calling the police. Now your priority must be keeping yourself safe. Confide in trusted family or friends about what’s happened, don’t try to cope with this alone. Contact Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk) and the domestic abuse line nationaldahelpline.org.uk (0808 2000 247) for confidential advice and support. They can help you understand your options and make a safety plan.My support pack, Abusive Partner?, will also be useful. Domestic abuse - how to get help DOMESTIC abuse can affect anyone - including men - and does not always involve physical violence. Here are some signs that you could be in an abusive relationship: Emotional abuse – Including being belittled, blamed for the abuse – gaslighting – being isolated from family and friends, having no control over your finances, what you where and who you speak to Threats and intimidation – Some partners might threaten to kill or hurt you, destroy your belongings, stalk or harass you Physical abuse – This can range from slapping or hitting to being shoved over, choked or bitten. Sexual abuse – Being touched in a way you do not want to be touched, hurt during sex, pressured into sex or forced to have sex when you do not consent. If any of the above apply to you or a friend, you can call these numbers: The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night Men who are being abused can call Respect Men’s Advice Line on 0808 8010 327 or ManKind on 0182 3334 244 Those who identify as LGBT+ can ring Galop on 0800 999 5428 If you are in immediate danger or fear for your life, always ring 999 Remember, you are not alone. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience domestic abuse over the course of their lifetime. Every 30 seconds the police receive a call for help relating to domestic abuse. I’M NOT SURE IF I CAN FACE VISIT TO DYING BULLY FATHER DEAR DEIDRE: MY dad is dying, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to say goodbye. I’m 38, he’s 66, and for the past ten years we’ve barely spoken. Growing up, he struggled badly with his mental health and took a lot of his anger out on me. He could be violent, unpredictable and cruel, and I spent most of my childhood walking on eggshells around him in fear of what he would do next. When I left home I felt like I could finally breathe, and over the years I kept my distance to protect myself. Then last week my aunt rang to tell me his health has deteriorated and doctors believe he has not got long to live. Since then, my whole family has been pressuring me and telling me I’ll regret it if I don’t visit him. Part of me does feel guilty – but I can’t get past everything he put me through. Every time I think about going to see him, all those painful memories come flooding back, and I feel like that frightened little girl all over again. DEIDRE SAYS: There is no right or wrong decision here. Saying goodbye may bring some people closure, but you are not obliged to put aside years of pain to make others feel better. Think about what feels right for you, not what others expect, and remember you can say goodbye in your own way, even if it isn’t face to face. My support pack, Coping With Bereavement, will help you to navigate the loss. WASTER SON IS A COCAINE ADDICT DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE spent years trying to save my son from his drug addiction – but now I’m at the end of my tether. He’s 27 and I’m his 62-year-old father. Growing up, he was always such a bright and ambitious boy, but a few years ago he fell in with the wrong crowd and started using cocaine. It’s completely taken over his life. He has lost several jobs because he can’t get himself together, and he’s still living at home because he can’t afford to move out. Every time he says he is ready to change, I stupidly believe him. He’ll go a few weeks without touching it, then I eventually find out he’s relapsed again. I know I can’t keep rescuing him, but the thought of asking him to leave terrifies me. How can I help him? I don’t know what else I can do. DEIDRE SAYS: Watching your child struggle with addiction is incredibly painful, but you cannot fight this battle for him. The most helpful thing you can do is support him without taking responsibility for his choices or shielding him from the consequences. Set clear boundaries around what you can and cannot do and encourage him to get professional help. Remember to look after yourself too. You can find support through adfam.org.uk, which helps addicts and their families. My support pack, Drug Worries, also provides useful information. DREAM JOB NOW A NIGHTMARE DEAR DEIDRE: LANDING my dream job should have been a fresh start but instead I feel like I’m drowning. I’m 43, married with two children and was made redundant six months ago. Finding another job was harder than I expected. I burnt through our savings, had to remortgage the house and worried I’d never find work again. Then I was offered a job as an operations manager for a manufacturing company. I couldn’t believe my luck, as it was the perfect role for me and a massive step up from my last position. I’ve only been there two weeks but I’ve already been tasked with overhauling the entire department. I’m expected to introduce new systems, improve productivity, deal with staffing issues and report directly to senior management. The pressure is mounting. Every day I arrive early and stay late, and I’ve even started putting in hours on the weekend. Most nights I end up lying awake worrying about everything I’ve got hanging over me at work. I wanted this job so badly, but instead of feeling excited, I just feel completely overwhelmed. DEIDRE SAYS: After everything you’ve been through, it’s no surprise you’re putting enormous pressure on yourself to make this job a success. But working increasingly longer hours isn’t sustainable and could leave you burnt out before you’ve had a chance to settle into the role. Remember, you’ve only been there a short time. Talk to your manager about reasonable timelines so you don’t feel overwhelmed with unrealistic expectations. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, delegate where you can and take regular breaks – which you’ll need to be effective in the long term. My support pack, Help For Stress, gives advice on how to manage pressure and find a balance.