I’m terrified my wife is about to find out about my secret gambling and online sex site habits

DEAR DEIDRE: A REQUEST from my wife to set up joint internet banking has sent me into a panic. That’s because I know she’ll finally discover the truth about my gambl­ing habit and my payments to online sex sites. I fear I’m about to lose everything, and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m 46 and my wife is 44. We’ve been together for 18 years. Sign up for the Dear Deidre newsletter Thank you! We both have full-time jobs and I’ve always been in charge of paying the mortgage and bills. Although I have always managed to hide my issues, recently my gambling problem has got out of control. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial I started off with online bookies, then found myself in online casinos. Every time I lost, I felt sure I could win the money back. But now I’ve racked up thousands of pounds of debt on credit cards — which my wife doesn’t know I have. What’s worse, I’ve been paying to watch and chat to other women. While I’ve never met any of them, I’ve enjoyed the attention and the escape from my problems. My wife has just switched banks and says we can now view all our accounts in the same app, which will make managing our household finances easier. She is worried about saving for our retirement and is trying to be sensible. But I’m so terrified about her finding out the truth that I can’t sleep. The statements will show exactly what I have been up to — and how much I owe. I’ve been putting off giving her my details, but she keeps asking. Should I confess everything before she sees it for herself? How can I admit I’ve been living a double life? DEIDRE SAYS: Every day you delay telling your wife makes the debt, deception and anxiety worse. Secrecy feeds addiction, so being honest with her about what you’ve been doing will help you start overcoming it. It will be far better for her to hear the truth from you than from an online banking app. If you don’t know how to start the conversation, it might be easier for you to write it down. Be prepared for her to be extremely hurt and angry. But, if you can show her that you have a genuine problem and insist you will get professional help for it, she may forgive you. The National Gambling helpline (0808 8020 133) is free to call and open 24/7. Also have a look at its website, gamcare.org.uk, for confidential support. For free, impartial debt advice, contact Step Change (stepchange.org). BOYFRIEND’S EVIL PAYBACK FOR MY FLING WITH HIS PAL DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend said he would forgive me for lying if I paid for his new phone. I made a mistake but now he’s punishing me and I don’t know if he loves me or not. I’m 24 and have been with my boyfriend, who is 28, for six months. Early on, I lied about having had a situationship with one of his friends. Recently, he found out. I knew I was in the wrong and apologised. But since then, he has spread rumours about me among our mutual friends. He also keeps insulting me, calling me “fat”, when he knows I struggle with my weight. He even threatened to leak intimate messages I sent him. He said if I gave him money for a phone, I could buy his love back. Now he says we’re “on a break” from the relationship but sends messages saying he misses me. I’m so confused. DEIDRE SAYS: You made a mistake and owned up to it. But there’s no excuse for the way your boyfriend has behaved since. He’s using your guilt to punish and control you. And making you pay for his phone is financial exploitation. As for calling you names and spreading rumours about you, that’s abusive. It’s definitely not love. The best thing you can do is walk away. You deserve so much better. Stop replying to his messages and keep screenshots of anything abusive or threatening. If he leaks explicit messages it’s a criminal offence. Read my support pack, Abusive Partner, for more advice. WAS HE THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY? DEAR DEIDRE: NOTHING ever happened between me and my neighbour, but I just can’t get over him. He has left the country now and I’m still wondering what might have been. I’m a 34-year-old woman who lives in a block of flats. Last year, I grew close to my Australian neighbour, who is a few years older than me. We never dated, but there was a real connection. And when I had an issue with another neighbour, he was very protective of me. He also seemed jealous when other men paid me attention. We once shared a drunken kiss, but he was only here temporarily and always intended to move back home. Now he’s gone, I can’t stop thinking about him and wondering if he was “the one who got away”. I’ve messaged him, but he only sent a brief reply. We were never actually together, so why does it feel like a break-up? DEIDRE SAYS: You’re grieving a possibility, not a real relationship. As nothing ever happened between you, that possibility seems perfect. But had you got together, things might not have worked out. The fact he only replied to your message with a brief, polite reply shows that he has moved on. You now need to do the same. Think of him fondly but don’t build him up into your ideal man. Instead, concentrate on meeting someone who lives in the UK. My support pack, Finding The Right Partner For You, should help. EX’S CHARMS SO HARD TO RESIST DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time I think I’ve had enough of my cheating ex, he wears me down until I take him back. How can I stop myself from doing it again? I’m in my late thirties. I was with my 41-year-old former boyfriend for four years before I discovered he’d been unfaithful throughout our relationship. I ended it immediately and blocked him on social media. But he emailed me almost every day, declaring I was “the love of his life”, sending me gifts and even turning up at my workplace with flowers. Eventually, after months of promises that he had changed, I gave him another chance. He asked me to move in with him, then changed his mind the day we were due to sign a rental contract. Then I discovered he’d had a one-night stand with a woman he’d been seeing before we reunited. I ended it again, but he started sending “I miss you” messages and managed to reel me back in with apologies. I know I’m weak, but I can’t resist him. My friends keep telling me that I deserve better and he will never change. But each time, I find myself hoping that things will be different with our relationship. DEIDRE SAYS: Your friends are right – this man is never going to change, but you can decide to choose a different path. You need to be strong and resist all his apologies and promises. Think of him as an addiction and go cold turkey. Block him everywhere. Each time he tries to contact you, resist the urge to reply and call a friend or go for a walk instead. Write a list of everything he has done to hurt you, and pin it on your fridge to remind you why you don’t need him in your life. If this doesn’t help, consider counselling. My support pack, Addictive Love, should help you understand your feelings and move on. Comment now