I’m Now the Target of a Group of Unruly Neighborhood Bullies. Who They Are Complicates Things.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I am a 27-year-old woman without children, and I’m encountering an issue with some of the boys in my neighborhood. There is a group of about five boys with whom I have had multiple run-ins. I think they might be about 10 to 12 years old. I will freely admit that I am uncomfortable around children and downright dislike poorly behaved children. While I enjoy spending small quantities of time with my friends’ kids, I have a tendency to be curmudgeonly and am also intensely introverted. My childhood was spent playing with Breyer horses and reading Anne of Green Gables as an only child. I have no experience with boisterous or disruptive children. So I am perplexed by the issues at hand. Several times now, the neighbor boys have screamed curse words and epithets at me. If these were adults, I would be very comfortable reacting or not reacting as the case may be. As a woman, I sadly have quite a bit of experience dealing with being harassed. However, these are children! The boys once blocked my ability to get into my garage by stopping their bikes on my driveway and screaming at me. I just turned my blinker on and waited for them to clear, which they eventually did after a two-minute game of chicken. Tonight, as I was on a walk with my husband, they yelled hello at us. We greeted them and continued walking. They began to scream that we were “fucking gay” and “Are you fucking deaf?” I didn’t see any adults around, and I’m not sure it’s appropriate for me to confront random children about their behavior. Especially concerning for me is that they are using sexual orientation and disability status as insults. I shudder to think about what they might say to people of color or with visible disabilities, etc. And if this is how they treat adults, how are they interacting with the younger children in the neighborhood? I don’t want them to think this is an acceptable way to move through the world. What should I do? Do I walk up to screaming children and tell them to knock it off? Try to figure out who their parents are and complain? Ignore it and hope the behavior decreases? I don’t enjoy giving mental space to such a petty issue, but also the injustice of it irks me. Am I getting bent out of shape for nothing? I just want to be able to walk through my neighborhood in peace! —Barren Would-Be Hermit Dear BWBH, What horribly raised children! They are not your responsibility, blessedly, other than in the vague it-takes-a-village sense. If you have any idea who the parents of the worst offenders are, you can certainly knock on their door and say, “Your son called me ‘fucking gay,’ and I would prefer he not do so in the future.” In the moment, I would go for “That’s very rude” or a dignified silence, and be thankful that you are not having children yourself. If you do see them treating younger children or anyone with a disability in a bullying fashion, intervene in the moment with Firm Adult Vocal Energy, which is a powerful force you may not as yet realize you possess. The same goes for racial slurs. If the village exists for any purpose, it is to say, “That’s racist and rude. Leave this person alone.” I’m sorry, and I hope you can enjoy your pleasant hermit-y life without too much of this nonsense. —Nicole Cliffe From: Dear Care and Feeding: How Do I, an Adult, Deal With a Bunch of Awful Tween Boys Hassling Me? (July 29th, 2019). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My boyfriend and I are in a long-term, committed, loving relationship that is moving toward marriage and building a family together. We talk about having children together and are both excited about our future. Recently, he and I were hanging out with his infant nephew, and (as many people do) I began talking to the adorable baby in “baby talk.” My voice became high-pitched, I used cutesy versions of normal words, you know. My boyfriend said he hated my baby voice! He talks to babies in a normal tone of voice, which I find endearing in its own way, but also kind of weird? I know baby voices can be viscerally annoying sometimes, but I just can’t help it! I have to talk to babies in a baby voice! My question is: Will he still find my baby voice annoying when we have our own babies? Will I be doomed to either annoy my partner or talk to babies in a normal, robotic adult tone of voice? Is it always annoying to use a baby voice when talking to babies? —Baby Voice Dear Baby Voice, He can suck it up. If you one day have an adorable child, it will be fine (and utterly common) for one of you to speak in a slightly high-pitched tone and say cutesy things while the other says “Good day, Elizabeth. How is your toy giraffe this fine May morning?” He’s just a weirdo. Whom you love. —N.C. From: Dear Care and Feeding: How Do I, an Adult, Deal With a Bunch of Awful Tween Boys Hassling Me? (July 29th, 2019). Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter, “Amanda,” is 12. Her best friend, “Amber,” has a 15-year-old sister, “Mara,” who, less than a month ago, got her learner’s permit and started practicing to drive. She has not taken driver’s ed yet. But today Amanda told me that Amber and Mara’s parents allowed Mara to drive, with my daughter in the car, for a long trip involving the highway! I am livid because I was not asked if it was OK with me that the safety of my child be put in the hands of a brand-new driver. Should I say something to the parents, keep my child from hanging out with Amber, or just let it go? —Road Rage Dear RR, Though it is entirely possible that Mara has had extensive practice behind the wheel, her parents absolutely should have asked permission before allowing a teen student driver to transport your child for any significant distance, especially on the highway. This isn’t the sort of thing that should force you to restrict the girls’ friendship, but it is definitely time for a serious conversation about what takes place when Amanda visits her buddies. Reach out to politely but firmly explain that you are glad that Mara is preparing to become a licensed driver, but that you are not comfortable with Amanda riding along during her lessons and that it will be a while before you will be willing to let her be in a car driven by one of her peers. Reasonable, respectful parents will simply apologize and make sure it doesn’t happen again; if they react otherwise, you then may have a case for evaluating the terms under which the girls are allowed to hang out. Best of luck to you. —Jamilah Lemieux From: Dear Care and Feeding: My Daughter Took a Ride With a Kid Who Just Got Her Learner’s Permit. (November 13th, 2019). More Parenting Advice From Slate My mom is on a fixed and limited income, so to help her cover expenses my husband and I supplement her income in exchange for childcare. Our kid gets to spend time with his grandmother while we work, and she gets compensated financially. We have a clear schedule that we all agreed on (five hours/weekday). In exchange, we cover a large portion of her expenses. If my husband and I had to pay for alternative childcare, we couldn’t also afford to supplement her income, so we are offering the best solution we can. However, there seems to be some resentment at times on both sides. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting