I’m Not Trying to Be a ‘Black Cat Girlfriend’

The black cat has become a classic symbol of Halloween. But to this sex and relationships writer, it’s become a pretty spooky symbol the rest of the year, too.The “black cat girlfriend” came to be as a social media trend representing women whose behavior could be compared to a black cat. Anyone who has ever owned a cat knows that they are independent creatures who only bestow their warmth on rare occasion, or, at least, that’s been my experience. The black cat girlfriend is this in human form.“She doesn't like being touched unless it's on her terms, she acts slightly dismissive, and her affection has to be earned,” sex and relationship coach Gemma Nice tells Cosmopolitan.The black cat girlfriend trope resonates with a lot of women, especially when paired with a “golden retriever boyfriend,”—an extroverted, affectionate match. She represents self-sufficiency, boundaries, and the ability to open up to someone on her terms. These are all things I relate to. But what I can’t get on board with is the idea that has transpired over social media that being a black cat girlfriend also means being cold and distant with your partner in public.When talking about the black cat girlfriend, people often cite Jade West from Victorious and Wednesday Addams from Wednesday as examples (even though Wednesday isn’t anyone’s girlfriend). While I love both of these characters and think they’re strong-willed and fierce, I wouldn’t want to embody them in my relationships—at least not in a longterm partnership with someone that I trust and adore.The idea of a black cat girlfriend serves women well when they’re in the early stages of dating. “The trend encourages women to keep doing their own thing when they start dating someone,” dating coach and matchmaker April Davis tells Cosmopolitan. “You don’t have to drop your friends or cancel your plans because a man finally texted you back.”This emboldens women to make potential partners earn their trust and affection. It also reminds women that they don’t need to be people pleasing in the way they’re often pressured to be. But over time, this trend has come to represent someone who—while in a happy and loving relationship—acts as if they don’t like their partner at all. And this version of a black cat girlfriend is one that doesn’t feel like me.In an era where “having a boyfriend is embarrassing,” and men are seemingly more awful than ever before, I understand where these feelings come from. Some women are determined to make sure that their relationship doesn’t become their entire personality or that they don’t seem anti-feminist for being partnered with a man. And I get it, men are embarrassing—but not if he treats you well, respects you, and supports you.So when social media pushes the idea that a black cat girlfriend is someone you wouldn’t be able to guess is actually into her partner, it sends the message that this dynamic is “cute” or something to aspire to. But a partnership doesn’t work this way.“Healthy relationships need both people meeting each other halfway,” Nice says. “When one person plays the aloof cat, whose love must be coaxed out with treats, the other partner is forced into an anxious pursuit. That constant guessing game puts the other person's nervous system into fight-or-flight, wondering where they stand.”I know that in theory it’s nice to imagine a relationship where the woman is nonchalant and unaffected while the man showers her with affection—but I think this is because we often see the opposite dynamic when a man is leading a woman on. Think of Timmy and Trudy in Fairly Odd Parents or Lola and Bugs Bunny. These pairings give me the ick. But I don’t necessarily think the opposite dynamic is great, either.When I envision my idea of a perfect dynamic, I think of Morticia and Gomez Addams. As spooky as they are, there’s no doubt that both of them are absolutely obsessed with each other. They’re diehard romantics (literally) and aren’t afraid to be vulnerable with each other. There is no second-guessing of their feelings for each other—they give out the exact energy they want back. And boy, do they get it back.I think that the black cat girlfriend is cool and mysterious, but when we start describing her as the perpetual distancer to her boyfriend’s pursuer, she becomes less inspirational to me.Your partner should always put in effort to maintain your trust even when you’re years in—but they should also be met with kindness, interest, and respect.“Real intimacy requires vulnerability and meeting in the middle,” Nice explains. “If one partner consistently shuts down, avoids deep conversations, or acts like basic affection is a chore, it stops feeling playful and starts feeling like emotional neglect.”Women can be black cat girlfriends without being a shitty partner—I see this all the time. But I think that any confident, intelligent woman is going to make their partner work to break their walls down. It’s what happens once those walls are down and a loving relationship has transpired that really matters. Your partner should always put in effort to maintain your trust even when you’re years in—but they should also be met with kindness, interest, and respect. After all, that’s what we’re expecting from our partners too. The black cat girlfriend we see on social media now is not this—and so I can’t call myself one.“True confidence and secure attachment don't come from acting unbothered,” Nice says. “They come from being brave enough to be vulnerable[...] and offering consistent warmth without making your partner jump through hoops just to feel loved.”