I’m Letting My Friend Move in With Me. But I Already Know What I’ll Have to Hide From Her.

Dear Prudence I’m already dreading this part. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? July 21, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Daniel Megias/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, One of my best friends, “Sarah,” is like a sister to me. Due to some issues with her family, it looks like she is going to move in with me within the next year. I’m very excited about this, except for one thing I’ve never told her: I find her girlfriend, “Leanne,” annoying. I’d had a class with Leanne in college before I’d ever met Sarah, and she always struck me as very nice but kind of dull with a voice that I sometimes find grating. She unfortunately doesn’t appear to have changed much between when I met her and her becoming Sarah’s girlfriend. To be clear, Leanne is not going to be moving in with us (and I haven’t worked up the courage yet to ask why Sarah is considering moving in with me instead of the girlfriend with whom she’s seriously talked about getting engaged), but I imagine if/when Sarah does move in with me, Leanne will be around more. I’m very happy for them as a couple; they seem really good for each other, and I would like to avoid being mildly anxious about having to hide my personality mismatch with Leanne every time I see her. How do I either cope with my annoyance or quash it? —Love the Sister, Not Her Girlfriend Dear Love the Sister, Hit the brakes! You are walking into a situation that is going to make you really unhappy, and you’re doing it under the worst possible circumstances: The thing that bothers you will be in your home, so you won’t be able to escape it. And you are going to feel powerless to change it because that might require evicting someone you really care about. I repeat, do not move forward with the plan to move Sarah in until you have been honest with her about your feelings about Leanne and come up with a concrete agreement about how much time she (or any other friends or partners) will spend in your home. You say Sarah is like a sister to you, and I believe you, but if you’re that close, you should be able to have this conversation. I get that it’s extra tough because Leanne is not rude, hostile, or actually problematic in any way. She’s a perfectly fine person who just rubs you the wrong way. If we were simply talking about how to socialize with your best friend’s annoying-voiced girlfriend, I would offer you a different set of tips (maybe try to learn more about her so you develop empathy for her and see her as more layered and less dull; or choose activities like going out dancing or seeing movies that subject you to less of her voice). But we’re talking about having her in your living room, potentially every day of the week. And that just won’t work because your home is so important. You need to be able to relax there without digging into a toolbox of coping skills or masking your real feelings. Here’s a script for getting ahead of this with Sarah without being totally open about your semi-petty low tolerance for her girlfriend: “I’m so excited about you moving in, and suddenly I found myself spiraling a little because I’ve heard so many stories about good friends living together and then falling out over the conflicts that come with being in close quarters. I just really don’t want that to happen to us. So even though it seems kind of weird and formal, I was thinking we should sit down and come to an agreement about the sorts of things that can cause tension. Stuff like cleaning responsibilities, what temperature to put the air-conditioning on, and having company. That last one is actually a big one for me because the more I think about it, the more I realize it might be hard for me to have someone other than you around a lot of the time when I’m not feeling social. But I’m sure you’ll want Leanne to come over, which makes sense. So could we say something like we can each have someone over two nights a week, and the rest of the time it will be just us, or we’ll hang out elsewhere?” Then on one of those nights, you can decide to be busy, and on the other one, you can deal with a person who isn’t your favorite, knowing she won’t be there often or at unpredictable times. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I work in health care and know that a man my sister-in-law, “Amanda,” has begun dating has genital herpes because he is a patient at the practice where I work. I realize that people’s diagnoses are supposed to be confidential, but I feel like I would be partly responsible if she were to catch it when I knew he had it the entire time. What can I do? —Tortured By Tied Hands Dear Tortured By Tied Hands, Absolutely nothing. Not only would it be a massive breach of professionalism for you to share this information, but we are talking about two adults. It is their responsibility to share their sexual history and STI test results. You don’t even know if he hasn’t already shared that information with her. And if your sister-in-law does not insist on that information from the people she’s seeing, she (like many people) has decided to take her chances. I’m also sure, as a healthcare worker, you’ve heard the statistics about the huge percentage of adults who have some form of the herpes virus. If this guy does transmit herpes to her, it won’t be a death sentence. It also won’t be your fault. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, I often travel out of state and stay at my cousin’s house. We are similar in age, and I get along with his wife. They recently had a baby and, unknown to me, had a camera in the baby’s room, the room I was staying in. I received a text from my cousin a few days later notifying me of some footage he saw from that camera. I was changing after a shower, and he was able to see it “all.” I initially thought, “How embarrassing, my cousin has seen all of me.” But then it turned dark, and my cousin started making advances. He has repeatedly complimented my body and has even requested to see more. If this were any other creepy man, I wouldn’t be coming to you for advice. But this is my first cousin, and it has been extremely troubling. My instinct is to disengage and not speak to him again, but as I mentioned, I am close with his wife. Do I tell her about this? Do I cut things off completely? —Creeped Out Cousin Dear Creeped Out Cousin, One text to both of them recapping what happened (with screenshots of the texts) and explaining that you won’t be visiting their home again should suffice. You obviously won’t speak to him again, but you want to leave the door open to connect with your cousin’s wife, who is married to a terrifying creep and might need your support at some point. Classic Prudie Three years ago, my best friend and I had a falling out. When she asked for my opinion on her new fiancé and their relationship, I expressed some concern as gently as I could. I said it was concerning to me that they had only known each other for three months, that I was her best friend and had never met him (he had no interest in meeting her friends), and that the only times she had spoken to me about him before announcing the engagement were to talk through fights they had where he took rather nasty stances against totally normal things (her having any other men’s phone numbers saved in her phone, etc). Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. 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