I’m Just Now Discovering the Beach Etiquette Expected for Women. This Is Ridiculous.

How to Do It Maybe I’m doing this wrong. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by nedomacki/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, It’s summer and I’m so excited to be hitting the pool and beach. But something’s been bothering me, and this is the only place I know to ask about it! How do women manage their bush in these tiny bikini bottoms? I use scissors to clean up and try to shave my bikini line, but the amount of time it would take me in the shower to wear the average bikini without making a scene would be ridiculous. I’m glad there are swim shorts, and I have a couple, but I’d love to show some skin without causing a pubic hair scandal. I’m straight, so I’m not exactly experiencing the diversity of bush out there. I went to a historically women’s college with a strong disregard for patriarchal gender norms, where body hair was normal and everywhere, and I’m not close enough with the women I end up poolside with in my current adult life to ask how much bush maintenance they’re doing to wear their swimsuits. Am I doing something wrong? Is everyone constantly shaving or getting Brazilian waxes? Is my bush particularly unruly, and I just have no concept of the average bush? —Bothered By Bush Dear Bothered By Bush, Some women (seriously) don’t have any visible pubic hair growing outside of the area that is covered by even a fairly skimpy bikini. It’s often the same for their arms, legs, and occasionally underarms. It’s wild. I had a friend several years ago who basically had peach fuzz all over her legs, and definitely wasn’t shaving it, but didn’t grow hairs long, thick, and dark enough to be seen without the combination of bright light and getting way up close to her kneecaps. Others have quite strong hair (dense, thick, dark) and may have had laser removal done, or, yes, be constantly waxing or shaving. Depilatory creams are a thing, too. Figuring out what hair removal practices work best for you can take a lot of work and trial and error, but once people have their routine down, it tends to become more efficient in one way or another. If you’re trimming the main bush weekly, and buzzing or shaving your edges every few days, it’s less time-consuming per act of grooming than going from full natural glory to pool-ready a couple of times a year. If you’ve had laser done, or have waxed regularly for many years, the hairs tend to be thinner (or, in the best-case scenario for laser, non-existent). Laser removal is often permanent, and some people do come to regret that later. Waxing requires a certain amount of growth and usually involves having to prevent or take care of ingrown hairs. Exactly what will be optimal for you, and what you’ll need to do to mitigate any effects, is complex and highly dependent on your hair, lifestyle, and skin. And, with age, individual hairs tend to get thinner and lighter while simultaneously covering more territory. As for the diversity of bush in the world, and where you fall in terms of unruliness compared to the global median, there’s no way for me to say with any certainty. What I can tell you is that, putting aside those who hardly grow body hair, most people who didn’t have the experience of something like attending a historically women’s college or falling in with a band of early 2000s Lilith Fair lovers are likely to have been consistently grooming their pubic hair to some extent for a considerable amount of time. When we’re outside of those types of groups, what we’re seeing at the pool, in the locker room, or any nude spa, and in the media reflects that widespread norm. My instinct is that you’re probably no more unruly than at least half of the population. Adult magazines from the 1970s can show what was typical before the popularity of super low-rise jeans and thongs, at least among the ethnic groups who were most often photographed. Based on what you describe of your life experience, I don’t need to give you a pep talk about hair. I will say, though, that I concur with your assessment that a pubic hair scandal at the community pool is quite possible, and something to consider avoiding. If your full bush meant something important to you, or there was some other significant motivation to disrupt the norm (even if that motivation was simply refusal to engage in objectively unnecessary grooming) you’d be reasonable to keep it. Simultaneously, the choice to blend in on this issue (with the knowledge that people absolutely will stare at other people’s crotches to the point where they can notice a five o’clock shadow, comment, and occasionally work the whole miniature society up into a tizzy about it) is also reasonable. Your body, your choice means you also have the autonomy to weigh social costs and make the decisions that are most comfortable for you. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, My boyfriend, who is 35, and I, a 31-year-old woman, have been together a little over two years. We live together, and we have been in agreement about future plans such as marriage, kids, buying a home, etc. However, our sex life has declined significantly as our relationship has progressed. During our first month together, we had sex regularly, but slowly the time in between sexual intercourse kept increasing. It’s been almost nine months since we had sex. There have been two or three times when one of us performed oral sex, but he can’t “perform” afterwards. We’ve had our anniversary and Valentine’s Day pass in this time frame, and there was no effort on his end to try. At first, he started with excuses as to why he didn’t feel like having sex, but as I found solutions to the supposed issues, we still wouldn’t have sex. For example, he would say it’s because I don’t initiate, because we live with roommates, or even that I nag too much. Since then, I’ve worked on how I communicate with him when I’m upset. I’ve attempted to initiate sex, be spontaneous, and spice things up with toys, lingerie, positions, etc. We also now have our own apartment, but still no sex. We’ve briefly had conversations about possible erectile dysfunction or needing help from vitamins, and I try to reassure him there’s no shame in needing help, especially as we’re both getting older, but he still feels disappointed in himself as a man, which I disagree with, but I can understand his feelings. I try to be understanding and in no way want him to feel inadequate because I can’t imagine how it feels to want to perform but have your body fail you. But it’s gotten to the point that if I bring it up, he now claims that nothing he does is good enough and all I care about is sex. I love him very much, and he’s my best friend, but am I wrong for bringing up the lack of sex? I privately have been relying heavily on masturbation because I have a high sex drive and don’t want to make him feel bad by telling him how sexually frustrated I am, but I miss the intimacy and connection I would feel after sex with him. Also, we’ve recently agreed about starting a family, which is kind of hard to do without sex. What can I do to satisfy my needs without hurting his feelings? —Happily in Love But Sexually Frustrated Dear Happily in Love But Sexually Frustrated, Starting a family the old-fashioned way certainly does require vaginal penetration and ejaculation during that act. This is, unfortunately, the least of your problems. Your communication on the subject of sexuality has broken down to the point that your partner will no longer engage in a conversation about it. The earlier discussions you describe are giving me a queasy feeling, as well. Each of the milestones you mention—marriage, home ownership, and having children—requires a significant amount of shared decision-making. People absolutely do proceed with these milestones, and tie their lives together in profound and sometimes permanent ways, without the mutual respect and ability to talk things out that supports a healthy relationship. That’s almost always a mistake, and the unknown from that point is how large of a mistake it turns out to be. Even if we’re giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and assuming that discussions about all other topics are had in good faith, with care and respect for each other, and include open sharing and effective problem-solving as a team, it’s still crucial to untangle this mess. Ask yourself where your sense that you understand his feelings is coming from. I want you to do this because he told you all sorts of things—the issue is your lack of initiative, roommates, your nagging—that turned out to be, at most, small aspects of the situation. Are you forming your assessment that his behavior stems from disappointment in the differences between how he is and how he believes a man should be, based on words he has said to you? On what you’ve observed? Either way, check both sets of information against each other, and remain open to the possibility of other pressures that he hasn’t shared with you yet. Think through what “working on how you communicate with him” meant as well. What did you change? Why did you change each detail? What did he say to you? Has he worked on his communication with you? If so, how did your relationship arrive at the point where he’s, again, accusing you of nagging and also of caring about nothing but sex? What would you say to a close friend or a sister, if she were describing your relationship to you as though it were her own? If the relationship is worth salvaging, work specifically on your communication and leave sex on the back burner for a while. If you’re able to get back to a place where you’re talking to each other effectively, you’ll be in a better place to work through whatever is actually in his way, understand any discrepancies in the amount of desire you each feel, and agree on ways for you to masturbate without feeling like you have to hide it. Then see how it plays out, on the scale of several months to a couple of years, before you sign any significant paperwork or have children. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, My partner and I have been having queer sex for a long time (mutual masturbation, 69, everything), but penetration is difficult. They’re too tight, I’m too small, and orientation is difficult. So I have been wondering how to do it. I don’t want their first time to be doggy, and we don’t have a strap-on for me to get penetrated. —Queer and in Love Dear Queer and in Love, How does your partner want their first time to be? Secondarily, I hear that you don’t want their first time to be doggy, but what would be appealing to you? And, since it sounds like you penetrating them would be appealing, and, were a strap-on available, them penetrating you would also be appealing, what are both of you interested in and excited about when it comes to the idea of penetrative sex? Those questions can help you understand what the two of you do want, and help you narrow the field of potential possibilities. Next up, how is the combination of them being tight and you being small causing an issue? And what are the difficulties around orientation? Tightness can usually be reduced by going slow, extending arousal and teasing, and anything else that helps that person relax, and what we usually call “opening up.” When you’re saying “small,” is the main stumbling block a question of length, and is that maybe how orientation is difficult? If so, depending on their flexibility, some combination of one or both legs being bent, knee to chest or side of ribcage, while they’re on their back, can give you better access; though, depending on what’s causing your partner’s tightness, a significant bend at the hip joint can increase pelvic floor tension. And positioning their pelvis at the edge of a couch or bed can help with general access and give you more angles to approach from. Mostly, though, using what both of you want to guide which sexual activities you’re engaging in, and approaching anything new as something to learn how to do together, will serve you well. Curiosity, especially about what your bodies are capable of, is incredibly useful too. —Jessica More Advice From Slate I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for three years and my partner would like to explore my turn-on with me. Roleplaying hasn’t historically been our thing, and I also find myself somewhat embarrassed about discussing this kink at times… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex