I’m heartbroken and humiliated after walking in on my landlord lover fooling around with a new tenant

DEAR DEIDRE: MY landlord led me to believe we had a future as a couple, but after walking in on him fooling around with another tenant, I realise he’s made a complete fool of me. I’m 43, he’s 49, and I’ve rented the floor above his apartment for nearly 17 years. He owns two flats, mine and the one upstairs. For many years, I’ve seen various girlfriends come and go. I’ve always liked him, but was wary. Then, around six years ago, he started to make more of an effort with me, popping out to the communal garden whenever I was there or offering to help with odd jobs and carrying bags. The sensible part of me remembered that as my landlord who lived just below me, it would be crazy to start a relationship with him. But when he invited me to share a meal, that level-headed person jumped ship. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial The attention went to my head, as did the wine! We ended up in bed and I spent a wonderful night with him. The next morning, he cooked me a lovely breakfast. We got closer and in time we were spending at least two nights a week in each other’s space. Our relationship felt relaxed and easy, but it changed when a new tenant moved in above me. I liked her at first and the three of us would often share a bottle of wine in the garden. Then I sensed he was losing interest in me. Suddenly, he was too tired to come over or had to get up early so couldn’t see me. One evening, when he’d told me he was working late, I decided to drop off a casserole for him. That was a mistake — I walked in on him and the other tenant undressing each other on the sofa. I fled and they have both been avoiding me since. Now, I need to either move out (at great cost) or stay and suffer seeing the burgeoning romance. I’m heartbroken and humiliated. DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve seen this man date several women, set his sights on you and then, as is his routine, move on to someone new. All evidence suggests he’s not capable of commitment, instead constantly seeking excitement and validation from new relationships. I imagine if you hang around a little, he will quickly tire of this latest fling. Could you keep yourself busy, meeting other friends and avoiding him until you feel stronger? Then you may feel comfortable seeing him around, once you appreciate his very real limitations. However, if the thought of staying is too painful, moving out and letting him get on with his life is likely to be the best option. My support pack, Moving On, will help you decide. BOOZING IS DRIVING MY KIDS AWAY DEAR DEIDRE: I FEAR I’m driving my daughters away with my explosive temper. My two daughters are my life, but if I drink too much alcohol, I say nasty things that I don’t mean, and it really hurts them. Whenever I drink, it starts off fine, but very quickly takes a turn for the worse. I’m 54 and my daughters are in their early twenties. Their mum and I split up nearly ten years ago, because she said she couldn’t live with my foul mood, or drinking any longer. Ever since, I’ve suffered with serious bouts of depression and, although I have had a couple of flings, nothing meaningful has ever developed. My daughters are brilliant, feisty and independent women. I love them more than anything but every time we have met up recently we end up having a fallout. The last argument was bad, after I told my youngest daughter that she was the size of a fridge. She took great offence and stormed out of the pub. Now she’s ignoring me and doesn’t want to see me unless I agree to cut back on my drinking. I have tried and managed to quit for a couple of weeks, but always return to the bottle. When I feel low it is often the only respite that I get. The worst part is my dad was an alcoholic and Mum left him when I was 13. He died of a heart attack soon after and I worry history will repeat itself. Do I really need to give up drinking altogether or can I simply focus on my temper? DEIDRE SAYS: Alcohol abuse has been a damaging theme throughout your life and you clearly are living with a lot of unresolved issues. It is important to acknowledge what a positive step you have taken by getting in touch and asking for guidance. You have done well to cut out alcohol before and you can do it again with support. Contact WithYou (wearewithyou.org.uk) which offers free drug and alcohol support. You have identified that whenever you drink too much you end up hurting the people you love the most. So if you struggle to drink in moderation, then you have your answer. It doesn’t matter what I tell you to do. If you are ready to make positive changes to your life, you are the only person who can make that happen. FAMILY FORUM DEAR DEIDRE: OUR teenage daughter is struggling to get into school and our daily reality has become a nightmare. My husband and I are both approaching 50 and are exhausted trying to keep everything calm at home and yet all we get from the rest of our family is criticism and judgement. I manage a restaurant, my husband has an e-commerce business he runs from home. But since our daughter has been unable to go into school, he hasn’t been able to get any work done. We plan for this during school holidays, but we are struggling with the reduced income. Our daughter is vulnerable and withdrawn. When she started to struggle at the beginning of year 10, we suspected she might be autistic. She couldn’t get out of bed in the morning and began making ridiculous excuses to avoid school. We took her to an educational psychologist who agreed she may well be neurodivergent. Since then her attendance has completely stopped and she didn’t manage to go in at all last term. We are doing our best to learn how to support her. However my sister and brother have been so unsupportive. They insinuate we are weak by letting her stay home. My dad even commented that all children could be manipulative. She is overwhelmed and her nervous system can’t cope but whenever we try to explain this to them they glaze over and roll their eyes. How do we get through to them? DEIDRE SAYS: The label Emotionally Based School Avoidance refers to pupils who struggle to attend school due to emotional distress, fear or anxiety. I’m sorry you are going through this challenging time without support and understanding from family. I’m sure you have tried to explain that she isn’t being manipulative. If you have the energy, it might be worth sharing the EBSA blog on edpsyched.co.uk with family. But if they still don’t make an effort to understand you’d be best putting your energy into getting your daughter into a better place mentally. Once she feels safe and understood, you’ll be able to start working out what is the right sort of learning environment for her. SLEPT WITH MEN IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS DEAR DEIDRE: THE last two men I’ve met through dating apps have had sex with me and then told me they are in an open relationship. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 12 years and, at 38, I feel like I’ve entered a foreign world. If they told me first I wouldn’t mind because then I could make my own decision about whether I want to be with them or not. But telling me after we’ve been physically intimate feels sneaky. One of them wants to see me again. Should I simply go along with it – to see how it all works? I feel out of my depth. DEIDRE SAYS: This is the sort of information you deserve to be told up front so you can make your own decisions. I agree it feels sneaky and would make me question whether they are genuine. Steer clear unless you know what you are dealing with. The dating world has changed hugely, with social media and dedicated apps. My free support pack How To Date Successfully has lots more information. CAN'T MOVE PAST LOSS OF MY GIRLFRIEND DEAR DEIDRE: DESPITE it being a year since my girlfriend passed away, I don’t feel any strong­er. We had 15 happy years together before she died suddenly of a heart attack in her late 50s. I feel so bad because I wasn’t there at the time and came back to find her dead in our lounge. Everyone tells me time heals, yet she is still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. I don’t have any energy and constantly feel low. I’m 59 but can’t see that I’ll make it to retirement age. DEIDRE SAYS: It is said that time lessens pain, but unless you address underlying hurt the overwhelming feelings remain firmly lodged. I’m sorry you are feeling such despair. It is normal to feel anger, denial and guilt after someone you love dies. It would help you to talk to friends and family about her. Don’t lock away your memories, try to celebrate her. If you still feel you’re not learning to live with the pain, consider some bereavement counselling. My bereavement support pack explains more.