I’m having regular sex with my boss and his girlfriend – but now he’s becoming controlling and refuses to leave her

DEAR DEIDRE: SOMEHOW, I’ve ended up having regular sex with my boss – and his girlfriend. The crazy arrangement began when I got a job as a receptionist in a luxury car showroom. I’m a 21-year-old woman and this job showed promise of moving on to a sales role. My boss seemed lovely. He’s 40 and has got a long-term girlfriend. I’d been working at the showroom for a month when he invited me out for a drink and then dinner. I just thought he was being friendly and he did that with everyone — but as the night went on, he asked if I had a boyfriend. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. He seemed to really like me and, to be honest, I started flirting with him a bit. Then he asked whether I’d be up for meeting his girlfriend. I thought it seemed a little strange but I went along with it and met her the next night, with him, in a pub. She’s 36 and really attractive and she was very friendly towards me. After a few drinks, the conversation moved to sex and my boss asked whether I’d had a threesome before — and whether I’d be up for one with them. I’d never done anything like that before but I went along with it, and it was fun. That was the start of our secret relationship. Since then, I’ve had threesomes with them six times but I’m also having sex with my boss behind his girlfriend’s back. Yesterday, I came into work with a love bite on my neck. My boss went mad and said: “How can you cheat on me like that? I love you!” I told him the truth, which is that my best friend gave me the love bite while messing around. My boss seems to think he can control me, but he’s showing no signs of leaving his girlfriend. DEIDRE SAYS: If you’re looking for a conventional relationship, it’s not with this guy. He sounds controlling and deluded, and doesn’t want commitment. Please avoid being left alone with him and make an effort to busy yourself with friends outside work. You are a young adult, and he’s taking advantage of your lack of experience and his position of authority. There is clearly an imbalance of power between you and your boss and this is very likely to be a case of sexual harassment. For more guidance, read your company handbook and contact acas.org.uk, who can support you and help you decide what to do next. I DO LOVE MY DAD BUT HE IS REALLY NEEDY NOW DEAR DEIDRE: I SOMETIMES feel I married my dad as well as my husband. Dad just won’t leave us alone. I’ve been married for 18 months. My husband is 33 and I’m 31. We have a son of nine months. A little less than a year ago, my mum died – she’d had cancer for years – but then our son’s birth brought some much-needed joy to the family. Dad is 51 and he’s taken mum’s death hard. He rings me constantly. He’s becoming a pest but I don’t want to ignore his calls in case it’s urgent. He often drops round uninvited. Last week, he rang and we were in a pub garden having a meal and I told him where we were. Before I knew it, he’d pulled up a chair at our table and was ordering a meal. I love him dearly but how can I politely tell him we need our space? DEIDRE SAYS: Find a good time to talk to him and ask him how he is. Ask if he’s still keeping up with his friends. Explain that you love him being around, but it would be better for if you could arrange to see him once or twice a week. That way, he’ll have definite times where he can look forward to seeing you. Encourage him to get out with people of his own age. If he would like to meet some like-minded men, suggest he joins Men’s Sheds (menssheds.org.uk). They’re community spaces for males to connect, converse and create. It reduces loneliness and isolation too. OUR BABY IS NOT A PRIORITY FOR HIM DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend spends all his money on drink and cigarettes and has bought nothing for our baby, which is due in one month. I’m 20 and he’s 26. We met online and quickly got along really well. When I found out I was pregnant, I moved away from my family and friends and into his flat. He’s a builder, but I stay at home all day and don’t have any income of my own. Every Friday afternoon, he goes to the pub with his workmates while I just wait for him to come home. I keep looking at baby clothes and prams online but he doesn’t seem interested. I’ve asked him if we can start preparing for the baby but he insists we still have plenty of time. DEIDRE SAYS: With a month to go, the baby can come any time. Write a list of essentials and show him what you will need. Check out auction sites, which often have bundles of baby clothes, and your local National Childbirth Trust (nct.org.uk, 0300 330 0700) will have sales of second-hand equipment. Many men panic with the responsibility of fatherhood, so ask if he’s worrying. But if he can’t share his income, you may be best off going back home. If he doesn’t step up, check out the Government’s website about maintenance payments (gov.uk/child-maintenance-service, 0800 171 2345). SEX IS DULL NOW WE ARE PARENTS DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my wife has become so dull that I am just going through the motions – same old missionary position and it’s over in minutes. Our love life used to be great – my wife was adventurous and up for anything. But she became protective when our daughter was born two years ago. If I tried to get near my wife, she would push me away, saying, “You’ll wake the baby” or, “Don’t touch me – I’m about to breastfeed”. She would have sex but it always seemed to be a chore for her. We are both 37 and have been married for four years. Two weeks ago, we went to a friend’s birthday party and my wife got a bit tipsy. Our daughter was with my mother-in-law. We went home and my wife was all over me. It was great. We went upstairs and she started to unbutton my shirt. I couldn’t quite believe the difference in her. The sex was incredible – just like old times. Last weekend, I mentioned how great the sex was after the party and she said, “Oh, that? That was just a one-off”. We started arguing about it. I love her but can’t go on this way. I’m thinking of leaving her, if that’s all I’ve got to look forward to. DEIDRE SAYS: Many women change after giving birth. It could be down to body confidence or feeling exhausted if she’s doing all of the child-care and running the home. You need to talk to her about what has changed since the birth of your daughter – but don’t do this when you’re on your way to bed. If it’s the changes in her body making her less adventurous, ensure you tell her how beautiful she is, and that you’re doing your share of chores so she doesn’t feel taken for granted. My support pack, Sex Problems After A Baby, has other tips to help.