I’m furious after my wife had sex with another man – but I know she was getting revenge for mistake I made

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife had sex with another guy and, even though I’m beyond furious with them both, I know she was getting revenge for a mistake I made. She is 37 and I’m 39. We’ve got two little girls aged five and three. I love them to bits, but we hadn’t planned to have a family so soon. We were newly married when my wife told me she was pregnant with our first child. I felt trapped and realised everything was quickly going to change. On a night out with some mates, I hooked up with a woman in a club and went back to her place for sex. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial It wasn’t my finest hour. She meant nothing to me. Our first daughter was born and I vowed to change — but somebody had seen me in the club months earlier and told my wife. She was so hurt. I felt terrible, but we tried to get things back on track and actually planned our second baby. Recently, though, my wife started being secretive with her phone and going out with friends. When she left her mobile behind while rushing to get the girls to their swimming lessons, I had a snoop. There was a photo of her breasts, sent to a guy I didn’t know. I confronted her and she admitted she’d sent the picture, but insisted it was just flirting. I didn’t believe her. We didn’t speak the next day and she finally admitted she’d slept with this guy. She said she was getting her own back and wanted to hurt me. I keep envisioning her with this other bloke. It’s driving me mad. I love her, though. DEIDRE SAYS: You had no reason to cheat. You were married. It takes two to tango and an unplanned pregnancy was down to you as much as your wife. Obviously your wife was wrong to be unfaithful, too. Now that you’re “even”, are you ready to rebuild your relationship from scratch? It’s easy to take one another for granted. Talk about ways you can both make one another feel loved. You’re a couple as well as Mum and Dad, so plan date nights and send the kids to friends or grandparents so you’ve time to put romance back in your lives. My support pack, called Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, will help you to rebuild something new together. This unknown guy doesn’t deserve space in your head, so dismiss these unhappy thoughts and focus instead on a happy memory of a special moment you and your wife shared. PORN-LOVING HUBBY HAS THREATENED TO LEAVE ME DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband says he’s leaving me because I’m an unhappy person – but it’s him who makes me miserable. He’d rather sit at home every night, watching porn on his phone than be intimate with me. Things were fine until he got prostate cancer ten years ago and then he had some sexual difficulties. Now pornography has taken over because he says it’s easier to get aroused than with me. He’s 67 and I’m 64. I don’t want to live without him, but I don’t think I can stand to see him playing golf every day with his cronies, telling them retirement is great, then coming home, ignoring me and staring at his screen. Is this how I have to spend the rest of my life – putting up with his horrid remarks while he gets sexual kicks online, or face him leaving me with my cat for company? DEIDRE SAYS: Treating you this way and blatantly turning to pornography in front of you is abusive. If he stepped up and focused more on your relationship, would you really be happier or are you just afraid of being alone? Finding impartial help will bring some clarity over your future. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975) which provides counselling. Surround yourself with good friends who can support you, whatever the outcome. My support pack Is Pornography Ruining Your Life? may help your husband to think again about his behaviour. I LONG TO OPENLY DRESS AS A WOMAN DEAR DEIDRE: I FINALLY found the courage to dress up as a woman and walk into the seedy end of town where there are a few sex shops. I’m a single man of 52 and I work for an accountancy firm. At home, though, I’m very different. I’ve enjoyed wearing women’s clothing since I started stealing Mum’s tights when I was 12. She didn’t complain that they’d gone missing and I think she knew. I’ve never had a relationship but I’m not gay. I just long to be a woman. Now, I have a wardrobe full of fetish gear, knickers, bras and short skirts. I’ve only walked down my garden dressed like this before. Sometimes, I dress up and smoke on the back step. I don’t smoke in my normal life. I took the plunge recently and went to where there are sex workers around and walked up and down the street. Nobody said a thing to me. I’m longing to do it again. DEIDRE SAYS: Well done for being confident enough to dress as you please. You’re not harming anyone. My concern is that you may be venturing into a dangerous part of your town, where you might not be safe if you stand out as somebody different. You’d be better to go somewhere that people have a better understanding of you because they feel the same. Look at transnights.co.uk for events near where you live and where you’ll be welcomed. FAMILY BLANKED MY 18TH LUNCH DEAR DEIDRE: NONE of my family came to my 18th birthday lunch because Mum is the black sheep. My nan has always preferred my mum’s two brothers over her. Mum said it’s not my fault; Nan has always had her favourites. When Mum was a teenager, if she was late home Nan would lock her out. When I was born, Nan took no interest in me. My cousin is a girl like me and we’d go to gymnastics together, but she’d always beat me in competitions. When I was younger Nan would say to me, “Look at this trophy your cousin has won”. She passed her driving test before me and got better GCSE grades. My uncle would take her on fantastic holidays too, and that was something I longed for. I invited all the family to a pub for my birthday but they told me my cousin was in a dance competition so they couldn’t make it. Mum was lovely about it and took me shopping instead, but that evening I went to bed and cried. DEIDRE SAYS: My guess is that your nan plays out how she felt in her family. Men may have held that top position and she therefore treated your mum the same way. But your mum has broken the mould – she’s the one person who is there for you. Life isn’t about achievements. It’s about your friendships, relationships and being kind. A few trophies doesn’t mean your cousin is better than you, or any happier. Think of this family prejudice as their poor judgement. Celebrate your achievements or special events with friends and people who matter to you. Themix.org.uk (0808 808 4994) offers free counselling for young people. My support pack called Raising Self-Esteem will show you how to boost your confidence.