I’m Finally Learning the Full Story About What Happened Between My Divorced Parents and a Cousin. I’m Going to Be Sick.

Dear Prudence I’ve been living a lie. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? July 22, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Prostock-Studio/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My father divorced my mother when I was 2. For years, my mother told me he’d left us for another woman (my father remarried and had other children). However, I recently learned that was not the case. My mother had an affair with her cousin, and my father found out and divorced her. Back then, joint custody was not that common, and she got full custody. After the divorce, my father moved away. He sent gifts on my birthday and paid alimony, but we had little contact. I didn’t want to see him because I felt he had abandoned us, and my mother didn’t want him to be in touch with me either. I only recently learned the details of the whole story. My mother finally admitted that he hadn’t really left us for another woman and that she’d stopped contact between us because, initially, she didn’t want me to know she’d had an affair with her married cousin. Later on, when she remarried, she felt it would be better if I viewed my stepfather as my father rather than try to have me bond with my biological father, who lived far away. I don’t know how to rebuild my relationship with my mother or my biological father. Over the years, every time he tried to get in touch, I was rather rude and told him I didn’t want anything to do with him. Only two years ago, one of my half-brothers tried to invite me to his wedding, probably in an effort to patch things up with my father, and I told him never to speak to me again. I was very rude, and now I don’t know how to begin talking to my father, my step-siblings, or even how to speak to my mother again. —Daughter Dear Daughter, Here’s a script for your father: “Hi Dad, I know the last time we were in touch, I told you I never wanted to speak to you again. I was really angry because I had lived my whole life thinking you left Mom and abandoned us. I’m reaching out because I finally learned the truth about what happened when I was a kid, and I am full of regret and honestly really angry at Mom. Now that I know about her affair and about how she limited our contact so you wouldn’t find out when she remarried, I have a new understanding of the situation. I wish I hadn’t pushed you away all these years. I know we can’t make up for the time we lost to my anger and resentment, but I would like to get to know each other, hear a little bit more about your side of the story, and try to rebuild our relationship. What would you think about talking on the phone/meeting up?” However, I want you to be cautious of thinking of your dad as irreproachable, expecting a fairy tale ending from your relationship with him, or anticipating that he’ll agree to your proposal and want to put a lot of energy into becoming an important part of your life. I hope he will! And he might! But even given what we know about your mom’s choices, he made some decisions of his own that perhaps didn’t prioritize you. When he moved away, that was his choice. It’s hard for me to imagine that he could not have secured some kind of regular visitation with you—even if it was supervised—if he’d stayed local. He also had an opportunity to tell you the truth about the split, especially once you were over 18. It’s not as if your mom kidnapped you and left the country. I don’t want to be a downer. My concern is that you feel so disappointed in your mom right now that it could be tempting to put a lot of pressure on a new relationship with your dad to heal the pain you’re feeling. And while he might be up to the task, there’s a chance he won’t be. In fact, part of me thinks you should speak to your mom first, letting her know that her choices took away your chance for a relationship with your father, and that you’re really hurt. It will also be important to let her know that you don’t know what it felt like to be in her shoes back then, and want to hear about the situation from her perspective. Of course, cheating is bad and so is lying, but telling yourself a story in which she has done something unforgivable and your dad is blameless will not serve you well. Make room for a little nuance in how you think about this story and everyone involved. You have the best chance of having bearable relationships with both of your parents if you give them both a little room to be flawed and still lovable. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I live in an apartment building in New York City. The family above me has three children. I feel like I hear them 24/7! When the kids get up in the night and run to their parents’ room, I hear them. When someone gets up to use the bathroom, I can hear them. When one of the parents gets up early in the morning to go to work, I hear them, and when they get home late at night, I hear them too. About twice a year, the family has a party or a gathering with lots of little kids and grown-ups. It wraps up by around 9 p.m., but the whole time, it sounds like there is a herd of elephants above my apartment. I have spoken to the parents in this family several times. They are very apologetic and have told me they installed a rug in the hallway between the kids’ room and their room, and have mats in the kids’ room and a rug in their bedroom. But I still hear footsteps day in and day out, plus the parties. What is the solution here? —Tired Neighbor Dear Tired Neighbor, I feel for you because I spent three nights in a similar situation in a NYC Airbnb and almost lost my mind. Aside from being loud, the sudden loud noises—I guess, from the first footstep or sound of a chair being pulled out—would often be very jarring and make me jump a little. Not to be dramatic, but it felt a little bit torture-adjacent. That said, I think this is just an unfortunate part of life in a particular kind of (older?) building. I have received many, many letters with a variation on the fact pattern in yours. What you have going for you is that you seem to understand that this family isn’t doing anything unreasonable or inconsiderate, and you haven’t added rage about the situation to the equation and started banging on the ceiling with a broom handle, which would make everything worse. If you have the money to spend, there are a few hardware store-type things you can piece together (including some you can offer to the family, like special rugs). And then there are the usual suggestions: Noise-reducing headphones, earplugs, and a fan or some other source of white noise. Plus, spending as much time as possible taking advantage of the great city you live in, and coming home when you’re so tired you pass out as soon as your head hits the pillow (after putting your headphones on, of course). Oh, and you should ask them for some warning when they’re going to have that semiannual party, so you can either plan to spend the night elsewhere or maybe get an invitation. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, My next-door neighbor has been having an affair for the last few months. He works from home, and nearly every day, a woman shows up about 30 minutes after his wife leaves for her commute. I know they are screwing because I have a clear view of their bedroom window from mine upstairs, and they don’t bother to pull the shades down. Am I under any obligation to inform his wife of what’s been going on under her nose? My husband says we need to stay out of it. —There’s Something You Should Know Dear There’s Something You Should Know, These people are having sex with the window open, in broad daylight, every day. You do not need to intervene to make sure they get caught. They are already fast-approaching that fate. Stand down. Classic Prudie Nineteen years ago, I met a man on a dating site. He lived on the West Coast, while I live on the East Coast. He told me he was divorced and was very specific about what problems had led to the divorce. At first, we would meet each other in a romantic way. He always came to visit me because I didn’t have money to fly. Sometimes we would meet each other in his hometown (also mine) because that was only a 5-hour drive for me. Occasionally we would meet in other places, like Washington, D.C., but always within driving distance for me. Eventually it turned into a close friendship, with no romance involved, because a long-distance relationship is hard to do when neither is willing to move… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dear Prudence Family Divorce