I’m devastated after husband of 20 years told me he wants a divorce… I never saw it coming

DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS left stunned when my husband woke up one day after 20 years of marriage and asked for a divorce. I never saw it coming. I’m 46, he’s 50, and we have two children together. His request felt like it came completely out of nowhere. There were no huge rows or obvious signs he had been unhappy. The night before, we’d eaten dinner on the sofa and watched telly like normal. But by breakfast the next morning, he was telling me he was sure he’d be happier alone. I feel completely blindsided. Emotionally, the last couple of years have been hard. My mum died of cancer and then I was made redundant from a job I’d been in for over ten years. If I’m honest, I haven’t been myself since. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial I’ve become anxious, low and probably more dependent on him than I realised. I thought he was happy to support me and believed I could rely on him. But he now says he loved how independent and confident I was when we first met. He tells me he feels more like my carer than my husband and can’t cope with the pressure of trying to cheer me up all the time. Even though he says he still cares about me deeply, he claims he’s exhausted from having to hold me together. I’ve begged him to stay, but he seems so set on his decision. Did he even mean it when he vowed for better or worse? I’m heartbroken. DEIDRE SAYS: You went through two huge losses in a short space of time and leaned on your husband for support in the way many people would. As he says he still loves you, talk to him about what he needs. Let him know that you want to make your marriage work and, if you’d known how he felt earlier, you’d have been able to address the problem before it got to this point for him. From what you’ve said, he struggles with communication, leaving it until that crisis level is reached before speaking out loud, so you’ll both need to start regularly checking in if your marriage is to stand a chance. If he’s open to giving it a go, my support pack, Relationship MOT, will help to guide you through. If he’s certain the marriage is over, try not to let this destroy your sense of self-worth. You have survived tough periods before and, in time, you will be able to rebuild and find a way to move forward. My support pack, Mending Your Broken Heart, can help you heal. SO OBSESSED WITH MAN I TURNED DOWN FOR CAREER DEAR DEIDRE: MY career means everything to me, so why can’t I stop obsessing over a man? I’m a woman of 22 and I’m training to be a doctor, something I’ve worked towards for years. I know how important my studies are and how much pressure I feel to succeed, but lately I can’t focus on anything properly because of this guy. We met a few months ago on my placement and we connected instantly. He’s funny and confident, plus we had so much in common. It was hard to deny my attraction towards him but, when he asked me out, I found myself turning him down as I feared he’d be a distraction. I said I wanted to concentrate on my studies, which was true, but since then I find myself scanning the wards in the hope he’s there, replaying conversations in my head and checking my phone to see if he’s messaged. I hate that it’s taking up so much of my mental space. DEIDRE SAYS: It makes sense this is taking up headspace. Attraction plus proximity can feel intense, especially when you’re already under pressure. From what you’ve said, there’s clearly mutual interest and a real connection. The key now is balance. Acknowledge the attraction and allow yourself to explore it while still being mindful about timing and boundaries while you’re training. Rather than forcing yourself to ignore your feelings, consider how and when you can explore this connection in a way that doesn’t derail your focus. FEAR SIS IS AFTER MY BRO’S MONEY DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of silence, my sister has suddenly reappeared in our lives now that there’s money involved. I’m a 65-year-old man and I am the youngest of three siblings. My sister is three years older than me and barely showed up for anything – birthdays, family gatherings, even when our older brother’s wife was dying of cancer. When his wife eventually passed away, our sister became overly involved in his life. Almost overnight, she’s everywhere, acting like the most devoted sister ever. My brother is in his early seventies, well-off and doesn’t have any children.She’s suddenly very interested in his wellbeing and asking about his will. I can’t shake the feeling that there’s more to this than concern. DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable you feel suspicious given her sudden change in behaviour. Try not to jump to conclusions without clear proof. However, you are right to be wary as your brother is likely to be vulnerable after his bereavement. Rather than accusing your sister, focus on staying close to your brother and checking how he’s coping. My support pack, Coping With Bereavement, may help if he’s struggling. You might also find it beneficial to talk to family-action.org.uk (0808 802 6666). PREGNANT LOVER PUSHES ME AWAY DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend is pregnant, but lately it feels like she can’t stand me. During an argument, she even said that if we weren’t having a baby, she would have left me already. I can’t get those words out of my head. I’m 31, she’s 29, and we’ve been together for four years. Things between us were already a bit rocky before the pregnancy, but I hoped that becoming parents would bring us closer. Instead, it feels like she’s drifting further away. I’ve done my best to support her. I go to appointments, do all the work around the house and try to give her space when she’s tired or emotional. But most days, she barely even speaks to me unless it’s to snap or criticise something I’ve done. She does everything to avoid intimacy, refuses to kiss me and pulls away if I try to cuddle her in bed. I know pregnancy isn’t easy, but my gut is telling me that there’s something more going on. Recently, she’s got close to a male colleague and it’s playing on my mind. She messages him constantly and gets defensive if I even mention him. I’m trying not to cause an issue that isn’t there in reality, but I’m terrified I’m losing her. DEIDRE SAYS: Pregnancy can put huge pressure on a relationship, especially if things were already strained beforehand, so try not to jump straight to the worst conclusions. Hormones, exhaustion and anxiety about becoming parents can all affect behaviour. That said, her comments and distance are clearly hurting you, so it’s understandable your mind is racing. Rather than focusing on the guy at work, try to have an honest conversation with her about your relationship and whether she’s still emotionally invested in making things work. You may also find talking to a counsellor helpful. Contact relate.org.uk (0300 100 1234).