I’m Dating the Perfect New Woman. But the Way She Kisses Is Filling Me With Dread.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by deagreez/Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I’ve recently started dating a new woman, and she’s truly ideal on paper—she’s intelligent and spontaneous where I’m not, so she brings me out of my shell. I’m also very attracted to her. But her kissing… It’s just so much saliva, so much tongue, so much so that I almost feel the urge to wipe my face after a few minutes of making out. The sex we have is good, because it doesn’t always involve heavy kissing. But I know we have to do foreplay, and I don’t know what to do about this. I’ve tried using less tongue to show her what I like, to some modest improvement. I feel like I could never tell her I like a different kissing style without hurting her feelings, but is there a way to find some happy middle ground here? Is it possible to train someone to be a better kisser? —My Lips Are Sealed (he/him) Dear My Lips Are Sealed, No matter how gently you approach this discussion, you might hurt your date’s feelings. That’s always a risk when setting boundaries or expressing preferences. The best you can do to set yourself up for success is to focus on what you prefer instead, and frame the way you present this information in terms of what would make foreplay even better for you, or to ask her to collaborate on figuring out how the two of you can bridge the gap between the styles of kissing you default to. To put it bluntly, “good” kissing and being a “better” kisser are extremely subjective. For every person who agrees with your preferences, there’s one who would be completely put off by dry and closed-mouth kissing as the only options, or who is put off by what feels to them like tentative little tongue darts. Some people truly love copious amounts of saliva, to a degree that they eroticize what to you feels like slime on your face. Neither your preferred way nor hers is the objective ideal. The sooner you have this conversation, the better, as finding out several months into a relationship that your partner has been unhappy tends to compound unpleasant emotions and makes them hurt more than they otherwise would. Depending on your genuine feelings, usual way of speaking, and how the two of you tend to relate to each other, you can start with anything from “I don’t know what to do with that much tongue” or “I’d like more teasing and lead up during kissing, which, to me, looks like _______” to “I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk to you about the way I feel overwhelmed by the amount of saliva when we’re making out.” Maybe the amount of saliva is tied to a general distaste for feeling moist or wet, and in that case volunteering that information would be wise. But your girlfriend is not a dog to train. You’re very unlikely to avoid a mildly uncomfortable conversation if you want to see any change, and talking directly could lead both of you to the kind of understanding and flexibility that fuels long-term relationships. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, My guy absolutely goes wild for me when I’ve just come from the gym and am in a sweaty state. I usually go after work and come home in the evenings, and he’s so turned on and wants to have sex right then and there. I admit I love how wanted his vibe in the moment makes me feel! It’s definitely very flattering! But it’s hard to shed some insecurities about being sweaty and smelly and not “freshened” up for him, especially when he offers to do oral on me. But I love how much he’s into it, and I want to get more comfortable with it. Is there a way? —Hot and Hoping to Be Unbothered (she/her) Dear Hot and Hoping to Be Unbothered, Since at least the days of Lysol being marketed as a douche, women have been exposed to marketing that suggests they should smell like anything other than a human being. So take some time to consider what you feel you should smell like, why you feel that way, and where those feelings come from. Get a grasp on your own perspective, and sort through the nuances of what you actually want to hold on to and what you want to bend on, before you start reckoning with your partner’s perspective and preferences. Preferences in scent and ideas of what hygiene looks like are both individual and culturally informed. It’s possible that your boyfriend gets a thrill out of smelling you after the gym because it feels more animalistic to him, or it’s an intimacy similar to seeing you undone, based on the knowledge that when you go out in the world, you present yourself in certain ways and he gets to experience what’s under that manicured surface. The fact that you aren’t what you consider “fresh” might be the main thing motivating his arousal in these moments. There’s also a whole range of olfactory preferences. People in the United States tend to use heavy antiperspirants, a lot of antibacterial washes, some even go so far as to botox their underarms to reduce sweat, and almost every readily available hygiene product has a significant scent to it. That’s the norm. In other parts of the world, there’s less of a focus on eradicating natural scents but more emphasis on layering perfumes. In some places, people put little energy into the subject aside from showering once or twice a day. I’ll add, as food for thought, that many perfumes have a base that smells like rank feces on its own but, combined with other olfactory factors, blooms into something folks will pay hundreds of dollars for a small bottle of. When you’re ready to listen to your boyfriend’s perspective, ask him to help you understand what turns him on so much about your post-gym state, and anything that might help deepen your knowledge, like how he generally feels about smells in the world. Hear, directly from him, what turns him on so much about the sensory experience of your body in those moments. Believe him, and see whether any of that information helps you feel more OK about catering to his preferences. If you find yourself continuing to feel uncomfortable so much so that it interferes with your pleasure, it’s also OK to insist on cleaning up before having sex. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, My girlfriend and I have been together for five years since college. We are really into trying different new things in the bedroom. Recently, on a Friday night, she suggested putting on her gown, and in the heat of the moment, I did. I have to say it was an incredible turn-on for both of us, and the sex was pretty hot. We both like to try a bit of kink once in a while, and I thought this was one such fetish. Now the thing is, my girl seems to have gotten into it a bit too much, and in fact brought a dress specifically for me and is insisting it’s a big turn-on for her to see me going down on her with the dress on. I am not sure what to think of this. She’s important. How do I know if it’s a passing thing or if it’s better to set some boundaries? —To Dress or Not? Dear To Dress or Not, At this time, there’s no way to tell whether your girlfriend’s interest in seeing you in dresses will decline. Think through what’s causing you consternation here—you describe wearing her dress as an incredible turn-on, and the sex that followed as really hot. Get specific about what’s bothering you, what concerns you’re having, and try to notice what’s arousing for you and enjoyable as well. The fact that the two of you have been together for several years, and often try novel sexual activities, says to me that you’ve probably got the skills to talk through what you’re thinking and feeling and find a status quo that works for both of you for as long as it needs to. —Jessica More Advice From Slate I got assigned a roommate when I started college. He’s a cool dude and we’ve become good friends. He’s gay and I’m OK with that but he’s also shy and doesn’t get any action. Problem is that he admitted that he’s attracted to me and really wants to get it on. Advice Sex