I’m a Totally Competent Parent. If Only I Could Get My Husband to Agree.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband, “Matt,” has a really frustrating habit of walking in on a task I have 90 percent completed by myself, and then critiquing/micromanaging the last 10 percent. For example: this morning I spent 20 minutes delicately navigating a school picture outfit for our 4-year-old son, “Charles,” taking into account what was clean, what fit, what was weather appropriate, and the color palette requested by the school. When Charles was finally dressed, Matt walked in and asked, “Is he going to be able to climb the playground equipment in those pants?” Charles immediately opened negotiations again. (And, no. They were not ideal playground pants. But they were a compromise I could live with based on everything I knew about our son’s wardrobe and had learned in 20 minutes of negotiations). This happens all the time. Matt genuinely thinks he is being helpful by bringing in fresh eyes. I have repeatedly told him that it is not helpful; it makes me feel like he thinks I’m incompetent in the task, when really I’m the one holding 20 times more information and having done all of the work. I have accepted that Matt either cannot or will not change this behavior, but I wish it did not make me feel so defensive and snappish. Do you have any suggestions for what I should do to keep my own cool in these situations? —I Got This Dear Got This, My love, why have you accepted that Matt treats you poorly in these circumstances? Why is the onus of surviving his disrespect on you? Matt’s behavior makes you defensive because it is offensive! Now, if you’re choosing to admit that your husband isn’t bright enough to change, that is a choice indeed, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it isn’t going to trigger you when it happens. I would suggest coming up with a phrase to use in these scenarios that reminds your husband that he’s doing that thing again and that he needs to stop. Ask him to agree to abort mission when he hears the phrase; something as simple as, “No thank you, Matt” should suffice. If he out and out refuses, then I ask you to consider whether there other issues in your marriage where you feel disregarded. And also, why do you think it is acceptable for you to be treated in this way? Speaking to a marriage counselor might help Matt better understand both where you are coming from and the severity of the issue. But in terms of teaching you how to suffer disrespect, that’s not my ministry, and you don’t deserve that. If you’re unwilling or unable to take bigger steps to address this issue, at the very least, refuse to engage when he starts up with the unsolicited probing; go silent, walk out the room, interrupt him with an unrelated thought—however you choose to do it, make it clear that you are not accepting what he is serving. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My sister can’t have biological children and desperately wants to be a mother. I was sympathetic at first, but that has run its course. I had to inject myself with hormones so my eggs could be harvested for her. I stood by as IVF attempt after IVF attempt failed and watched my sister mentally unravel after each try. The last one they remortgaged their house and spent the money on a surrogate. It ended in a miscarriage. I am fairly sure that their marriage is on the brink, but that still hasn’t stopped my sister from harassing me to go through the entire process again. I had such bad cramps and fatigue after the first time I was laid up in bed for three days. I told my sister no and that I was done. She raged so hard that I thought she would hit me. Now she is telling everyone in our family about how I am denying her dream to be a mother and how selfish I am. And a lot of them, including our mom, are agreeing with her and trying to shame me into doing it again. Now I regret even offering it to begin with. Help! How do I get them to stop? And help my sister get her sanity back? —No More Eggs Dear No More, Your sister’s desperation to be a mother (and, perhaps, what she believes that means for her marriage) have made it difficult for her to see things clearly, including how physically taxing egg harvesting can be. She sees you as her only hope to have a child that shares her DNA and your refusal to do that is the death of a dream. That doesn’t mean you owe her anything more, but do try and see where she is coming from. The inability to bear children can be earth shattering for a woman. If you’re unwilling to do another round, all you can do is firmly but kindly maintain your position while acknowledging that this is very painful for your sister and her husband to deal with. Encourage her (and encourage loved ones to encourage her) to speak to a professional about her feelings as she navigates this. If motherhood is something she truly desires, there are other avenues and hopefully, she’ll get to a place where she can consider that. In the meantime, if you’re a prayer girlie, keep her lifted in that way, because there’s not too much she’s going to want to hear from you right now. —Jamilah More Parenting Advice From Slate I had a beautiful wedding, only to find my no-good husband screwing his ex in our bed less than six months later. I was able to have the marriage annulled, but have had a hard time putting the shattered pieces of my life back together. One of my issues is my wedding dress. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids