I'm a sex expert: A lack of intimacy doesn't mean your relationship is failing - here's what couples get wrong

When a long-term relationship hits a dry spell or sex begins to feel like a chore, the instinct for many couples is to assume the worst. The spark has fizzled, the chemistry is gone, and the relationship must be failing.But according to psychotherapist and sex expert Rea Shahroudi, this couldn’t be further from the truth. She says the real issue often isn’t a lack of love or attraction, but the unexamined baggage and unrealistic expectations partners bring into the bedroom.Shahroudi says our understanding of intimacy is shaped long before we meet a partner. ‘What is considered right or wrong is a matter of perspective, hugely determined by upbringing, culture and family of origin,’ she says. From differing views on premarital sex to public displays of affection, our formative years install unconscious scripts that dictate how we think intimacy ought to look. Rea Shahroudi says a dwindling sex life doesn't mean the relationship is failing.So when two people come together, these unwritten rules inevitably collide. Shahroudi says, ‘They bring their suitcase full of clothes, and drop them on the floor together, all getting mixed up. When reality doesn’t match the background script, feelings of guilt, shame and conflict quickly follow.‘Whereas in reality, the relationship is simply the discovery ground, life’s laboratory, where we can start looking at all the items on the ground, make sense of what belongs to whom, and put the ones that need cleaning into the washing machine.‘This confusion is compounded by a fundamental gap in our education. Traditional sex education focuses almost entirely on reproduction and mechanics, leaving out the multi-faceted, personal nature of sexual experience. Furthermore, stand-alone sex education without relationship education alongside it is “like a table missing two legs”.’Shahroudi, a sex and relationship therapist and the founder of Intima Therapy, has made it her mission to debunk the myths that routinely sabotage long-term relationships.The myth of spontaneity‘Social media, television, films and books often portray spontaneous, intense passion as the gold standard. In reality, many individuals experience responsive desire, where arousal builds through closeness and foreplay rather than striking out of nowhere. This one script is one of the main culprits behind a lack of sex in long-term relationships.’ The myth of spontaneity is one of the main culprits behind a lack of sex in long-term relationshipsThe responsibility trap‘Believing you are solely responsible for your partner’s pleasure creates performance anxiety. Issues such as erectile dysfunction or rapid ejaculation are often signs that anxiety, not a lack of attraction, has entered the bedroom.’The familiarity dilemma‘Another aspect of why loss of desire is so common in long-term relationships is the tension between closeness and autonomy, the latter being enhanced by distance, mystery and adventure rather than the security of the mundane.‘So, again, this is natural and not wrong. Once a couple are clear about the dynamic, they can shift it if they are willing and co-create a space conducive to connection through communication, not just about the kids, finances or next-door neighbours but also about what turns them on and what turns them off.‘That is what I call investing in a relationship, doing the work or another metaphor I use with my clients: watering the plant together.’ Less sexual desire is not evidence the relationship has failed, says ShahroudiRather than viewing a dwindling sex life as a sign that a relationship has failed, Shahroudi says she encourages couples to reframe it as an opportunity for growth.‘Less sexual desire is not evidence the relationship has failed, it is simply evidence that no one ever taught us how to look after it,’ she says.‘Rebuilding intimacy requires moving past daily operational chat about finances or children and having honest conversations about what turns each partner on and off.’But there’s a caveat, and one that Shahroudi says all couples should be aware of: relationships can change over time, and what happens in the bedroom could be just one sign of a bigger shift in desire.She says, ‘It also requires an open mind regarding individual evolution. Viewed through the lens of Gender, Sexual, and Relationship Diversity (GSRD), people naturally change over time.‘Discovering a shift in orientation, or realising that one identifies as demisexual or asexual, isn’t a flaw in the relationship, it is simply human nature playing its part in that change.‘So, if desire has quietened in your relationship, it is worth asking what it might be telling you, rather than what it might be proving.’