I’m a married father of two with a secret codeine addiction – I take 40 pills a day

Codeine addiction is on the rise in the UK. In 2021, data from the Office for National Statistics found that annual deaths involving codeine in England and Wales had risen from 88 deaths in 2011 to 200. This year, one survey found that roughly 10 million people in the UK may be at risk of codeine dependency thanks to their frequent use of strong, over-the-counter painkillers. Michael*, 54, from London, hated drugs. Then, one day, he hurt his back. Here, he shares his story. I was never into drugs. When I went out raving in my twenties, I tried MDMA twice but didn’t like the feeling of being high. I thought of drug addicts as people who probably spent their entire days watching daytime TV. Didn’t take care of their bodies or exercise. Didn’t have regular jobs. But here I am – 54, married with kids, with a beautiful house in west London, managing a team of 17, and addicted to codeine. It started 10 years ago. We were on holiday in the south of France, and I thought it would be funny to try and pick my wife, Cherry*, up off the sunlounger, and throw her in the pool. It wasn’t my usual behaviour, and to be honest I probably deserved what happened next. As I tried to get her into my arms (she’d only recently had our second child so was carrying a few extra pounds) I slipped and fell. Cherry laughed like mad when I couldn’t get up, and thought I was playing a prank, but I literally felt like someone had punched me with a fist made of marble. “You OK Dad?” said Sophia*, who was five at the time. I spent the rest of the holiday in agony. I’d hurt my back before, so I just necked paracetamol and ibuprofen that we’d bought with us. Shorts A scan revealed no serious injury. My GP told me it was a muscle strain and told me to leave off running for a bit, prescribing a strong painkiller, and I went back to work. The painkillers helped. I started taking six a day, two every four hours as the pack suggested. I noticed they had codeine in them which was something I hadn’t heard of before, but certainly proved to be effective. After the first prescription, the GP said to be mindful as they were addictive, and it would be best to stop as soon as possible, and go back to combining regular paracetamol with ibuprofen. I tried this for a couple of days, but the pain got worse. It wasn’t terrible, but it was bad enough that I found it hard to sleep. I went to the chemist, and noticed there were similar painkillers available, that had the same medication in them (codeine). Codeine is an opioid. In 2019, England and Wales saw a more than 60 per cent increase in opioid painkiller prescriptions in the last decade. Over half of Britons (56 per cent) are reported to be taking prescription drugs, with almost 29 per cent of those taking more than one. In 2023-24, 7.1 million patients were identified as receiving dependency-forming medications. Mixing codeine and alcohol can cause drowsiness, breathing issues and increase the risk of overdose. Long-term risks involve addiction, liver damage and mental health issues. The thing with addiction is that you don’t realise there’s a problem at first. I just bought the painkillers regularly, and took them and my back didn’t give me any pain. I noticed after a month that I was getting constipated, but aside from that… well, I felt normal. I was gradually taking more each week though. I had one day when I took 20. I started taking them when I was stressed. When I needed to wake up. At night. When the kids were driving me batshit crazy (which was often). When a client got on my nerves. I just reached for them. I also drank at the same time and knew that wasn’t a good idea. They definitely made me sleep more though. I’d go into the Boots near where I worked in Farringdon, and buy them but the woman would always tell me they were addictive, and that I shouldn’t take them over a prolonged period. After a few weeks I had to go somewhere else as I felt too self-conscious. I started getting off at different stops on the tube, and walking a mile to get to one where they wouldn’t recognise me. I sometimes asked Cherry to get them, saying my back was still bothering me, but didn’t want her to get suspicious. The painkillers didn’t make me feel high – but whenever I tried to decrease the amount I was taking I felt terrible. Why was I taking them? I was happy. Looking back now, I can’t pinpoint one thing that was wrong in my life, but I think I have felt trapped and disconnected from the world around me, for some time. My job in marketing was boring as hell, my marriage was fine, but the excitement and passion felt long gone. The pills became a way to lash out, or reward myself. I was always consumed with buying more. If we were away as a family I’d tell them I needed something from the chemist, and then run to the pharmacy and buy the biggest packet. I hate to think how much I was spending. This behaviour went on for many years. At the worst point, I was taking 40 or more a day. Each pack cost £6, and I was sometimes getting through two packs a day. The constipation was terrible some days. I would go for a week without going to the toilet. I was sometimes getting cramps, and bleeding. At one point I fainted at work, and had to have some tests. At hospital it was revealed that I had some internal bleeding, and I had to have a blood transfusion. They asked me if I was taking anything – I lied and said no. Cherry was worried – at the time she’d just lost her job working for a charity. I had two further trips to the hospital, more stomach problems, more investigations. “What’s going on with you?” Cherry asked and I shrugged. I was snappy and irritable with the kids, stopped socialising. The feeling of leading a double life was all consuming. Late at night, feelings of dread and shame about what I was doing would creep in. I would then remind myself that lots of people took them, probably for years, and I’d be able to stop when I chose to. I was still functioning at work but if I didn’t take the tablets, and the right amount, I’d get headaches and feel anxious. I started looking online, and found quite a few people who had also become addicted to codeine – many in similar circumstances to me, having started them after an injury. I tried to stop but each time I would get severe anxiety, then a runny tummy and it never felt like the right time. I cannot believe it has been 10 years now. Then, two months ago, we went to Greece, a much-looked-forward-to holiday. I had stuffed the packets of painkillers into a black shoe bag in the suitcase, and more into a carrier bag. I was on the balcony of our hotel, when we’d just got back from the beach, and Cherry called me into the bathroom. “What’s this?” she said and she held up the bag. I’d forgotten to put them away after unpacking. I scrambled for answers, but eventually broke down. I never cry but I couldn’t hold it in anymore. At first, Cherry was furious. She said that she’d suspected something was going on. That I looked terrible. That I’d caused my body some real damage. She said she was sick of making excuses for me and I was stupid and refused to grow up. She couldn’t look at me for the rest of the holiday. She said: “I thought you were dying, and this is all self-inflicted.” I never planned for this to happen. I thought she’d have more empathy, but she has never been addicted to anything. She’s Miss Perfect. Now she’s given me an ultimatum. I have to seek professional help or she’s throwing me out. I have an appointment next week with my GP to talk about a programme to gradually reduce my codeine intake. I never knew it would get this bad. The truth is I’m scared. I know it’s not going to be easy to come off them and could take months. I don’t feel I have much to look forward to on the other side. Of course, I feel relieved in many ways that we can now talk about it, but at times I also feel angry with Cherry. She says she feels betrayed. Will we survive this? I’m really not sure.