I’m a Lesbian. Now I Want to Try Something Specific—With a Man.

How to Do It I’m not sure anyone will be into this. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I’ve never been sexually or romantically interested in men, beyond a handful of surface-level, intellectual crushes. Here’s the issue. I’ve dabbled in kink to some extent—mostly as a service top to more dominant women—but recently, I’ve been fantasizing about having a domme persona, despite generally being somewhat reserved in my personal life. The thing is that I’d like to try dominating men (with women, I’d rather BE dominated), not because I’m particularly attracted to them, but because I’m interested in the power play. I’m not opposed to eventually exploring sex, but penis-in-vagina sex and blow jobs are a hard no (I am interested in pegging and potentially receiving oral sex). My question is: Is this a thing? Would anyone be into this? And how would I go about exploring a domme persona as a self-described shy lesbian? —Shy Sapphic Seeking Submissives Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Jessica Stoya: So to answer question number one: Yes, it is a thing. And regarding question number two, about whether anyone would be interested, yes. Plenty of men are so interested that they’re willing to pay for it, not that I’m encouraging our writer to make this into labor. I am basing that very confident set of answers on Chris Belcher’s memoir, Pretty Baby, and more than one lesbian dominatrix that I have known throughout my lifetime, who did perfectly well for themselves in terms of male play partners when they wanted in community lifestyle spaces, and also in terms of clients in a professional context. Rich Juzwiak: Yes. What came to mind immediately for me was Tristan Taormino’s memoir, A Part of the Heart Can’t Be Eaten, where she talks about identifying as a dyke and having sex with men. It’s not exactly the same, but it is a thing that self-identified lesbians or dykes will have sex with men. Jessica: And plenty of men are interested in it. Rich: There are people who are so intensely into and/or curious about pegging that the idea that this would be the main feature would interest, I think, a substantial number of men alone. Jessica: I know the world just changes, but before widespread internet access, people would feel desires, consider their desires, fantasize or daydream, and not have the taxonomical words that are most commonly used now, but a pretty well-developed five-paragraph version of their sexual desires and interests. As time has gone on, just the nature of the internet and the way information is distributed on it and how people find each other on it, a whole two generations now have come into a world being presented with checklist boxes first. And it was possible, and remains possible, to see sexuality as this beautiful, messy, sprawling, vast, interconnected buffet of different things you can do with different types of people in all these various combinations. So you will run into people who perplexingly to me are queer, or into BDSM or non-monogamy, and then have these firm, rigid beliefs, and insist that these things must all go together. But there’s also still lots of people who inherently come at it from or have expanded to: “That’s a totally different combination, but what I’m into is pegging, and I don’t really care who’s wearing the strap on, so I’m thrilled about this.” Or, “This part here and this part here are what work for me, and I’m not concerned about your sexual orientation or the gender of people that you usually have sex with because you want to do this with me and that’s all I’m concerned about.” Rich: The categories are useful until they’re not. Labels can be, firstly, very useful to other people, just broadly speaking. You don’t have time to give someone your entire memoir rundown when you meet them. So we have these kind of placeholder words that more or less are true, or maybe for some people they’re absolutely true, but they don’t tell the whole full story. They should not limit you when it comes to what you actually desire. I think it’s totally fine, even at times, as long as it comes from a place of deep self-awareness and mindfulness, to deviate from the label that you have adopted and will continue to adopt. It’s OK if you deviate from the parameters of the label and yet to hold onto it because so much of what you ascribe to culturally is encompassed by it. You could be very well woven into lesbian culture, and yet still have sex with men sometimes, and those things don’t have to be contradictions. Not every corner is going to be perfectly ironed, and that’s really OK. Jessica: Absolutely. I’ve run across so many people over the years who are like, “I want to explore BDSM, but I don’t want to give or receive pain at all, so obviously there’s nothing that anyone’s going to want to do with me there.” It’s like, no, no, there’s so much. There are so many people doing things that very much are BDSM, and nobody’s in any pain. And it’s also quite possible and reasonable to be pursuing a sexual interaction with a cis man and have no interest in touching their penis at all whatsoever, and especially in queer, kinky, BDSM, or non-monogamous environments, that almost needs to be defended as the norm. We’re not replicating this cartoon of awful heteronormativity where I let you buy me a drink, so now I have to lie here while you thrust into me. There might be pushback from certain individuals, but this is a thing, and people will be into it. And I would definitely check out the books we mentioned for examples to draw from when you’re putting together a persona. And also, it’s meant for pros, but you can just skip a lot of that part: The Seven Days of Domination Baby Dom Bootcamp has exercises in building your persona. Rich: In the 2026 movie I Want Your Sex, Olivia Wilde plays an artist who kind of doms this guy that works for her. And I believe that the only penetrative sex that they have is pegging. That’s the only thing they do basically, and he loves it. It’s a rare depiction in mainstream media of this alternate way of sex. Also, when it comes to how to make this happen, Jessica, do you think it’s as easy as showing up to a play space rocking a strap-on and being like, “Check me out”? Jessica: Sometimes it really is that easy. Sometimes people need to build up their persona first. It’s similar to how someone who is anxious about public speaking will rehearse a bit. So then when they have to stand up and give this presentation, they’re a little more confident. It can be useful to practice in front of the mirror or with a friend who you trust enough to be safe with, but someone you don’t turn into a giggle box factory with, because then that’s fun, but it’s not doing what it needs to do for you. Try on some mannerisms, follow some impulses, and then see, as you’re moving that way or saying that phrase, how that feels for you. Does it feel authentic? Does it feel so odd that it’s not worth incorporating? So sometimes people do walk into a room like, “Hey, I want to do this thing.” And a lot of the room is very interested in what they’re offering, and that gives them the confidence. And other times they rehearse or workshop it a bit so they feel ready when they walk in for the first time. I do want to contextualize: A lot of people who do professional sexual performances—whether it’s pornography, stripping, domination—when you first start out, this is often something that your community sort of provides. It typically goes something like this: We’re going to help you find your feet. What do you think of this? Do you know about this? OK, now you’ve got enough role models to start considering who you are. Let’s practice. OK, you have a hard time with the sexual dialogue improvisation. What do you think of these phrases? Practice them until they come out naturally when you need them. So it’s not a deficiency to say, “Maybe I feel like I need to practice.” Rich: I think our writer can also pursue partners online in various spaces. FetLife, I think, is probably a good place to look. But Feeld seems like something where you could create a profile around this exact interest. Jessica: And sometimes people with a lot of experience who enjoy topping from the bottom for its own sake, or just want to support you developing that confidence and blooming, will be happy to be like a test bottom for you. So if that sounds appealing, putting it out there that this is new for you and you’re learning and feeling things out can sometimes attract people who are really excited to experiment and explore together. More Advice From Slate I have had some unusual experiences with a new massage therapist. I have been going to someone weekly or bi-weekly for several years. When the lady who normally saw me retired, I went with the lady they hired to take her place. Many times, with my original lady, I would get erect—sometimes briefly, sometimes not so briefly. She basically just ignored it and continued on with the massage. Embarrassingly, I would sometimes ejaculate, which she simply ignored… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex