I’m a Guy With “Feminine Qualities.” I Found the Perfect Response to Questions About My Sexuality.

How to Do It Jessica Stoya replies to readers’ comments and suggestions. Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Slate and Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each month, How to Do It columnists Jessica Stoya and Rich Juzwiak ask readers for their thoughts on the letters they’ve received. In this edition, Jessica replies to readers’ comments and suggestions below. Hey How to Do It, Re Wrestling With the Packaging: I wanted to write because I could be that guy. I also have “feminine” qualities (I don’t like football, I don’t barbecue, I express my feelings, etc). Not only am I comfy and secure with that, but it also makes it easy to be an ally to the gay community. I have gone to PrideFests, parades, etc. If I am asked, I answer. Then I add, “I can’t help liking girls. I was born this way!” Also, there are ways to bring it up that are less explicit: Find a time when Brokeback Mountain/”Heated Rivalry”/etc. is on. Ask him if he has seen it. This could inspire more conversation. Does she have a gay relative? That might be a way to help bring it up, surreptitiously organically. Well, thanks for listening; hope this was insightful. —Born This Way I’m assuming that the suggestions you’ve listed here are ways that people have successfully brought up your own less-than-butch traits without making you feel judged or awkward. If so, thank you—insight achieved. I will caution that while some folks appreciate a conversational sidle-up, others can see it coming a mile away and find it just as frustrating as a direct question. And, since we know the guy the writer is seeing isn’t bi or gay, it would be awesome to hear suggestions on how to broach the subject she’s curious about: what his life is like as a straight man who is assumed to be interested in sex with other men. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Hey How to Do It, I like the response to The Entire Time. Personally, if he really likes this girl, he shouldn’t let this deter him from continuing to see her. He shouldn’t put blame on her, though. He should say that he didn’t communicate where he thought they were in the relationship, and that’s on him. Moving forward, he would like to be exclusive and to communicate better about their lives in general. If the girl doesn’t go for it, then you two weren’t going anywhere anyway. Perhaps she was just unsure where they were as a couple as well. Both need to communicate with one another. —Jahoward Genuinely, it’s lovely when people repeat the sentiment of one of these How To Do It answers in significantly different language, because so often we need to hear the same general advice packaged in seventy-four different ways before someone hits on the phrasing that actually lands with us. Everyone along the way brings their own way of communicating, and eventually a person finds the right metaphor, bluntness, or analysis that helps them understand and get past it. Hey How to Do It, Re Best F*cking Friends: What if instead of going from zero to 60 in one sentence, you started by seeing if he wants to hold hands? Then give it a few days to settle. Then maybe kiss a bit, and again sit with it for a few days. Take small steps—if one of you hits a boundary, it’s likely to be just a small step over, not falling off a cliff, and it’s more likely you won’t lose the friendship. —Miz Anthrophia Smaller generally does mean less magnitude of impact, yes. Bravo. Hey How to Do It, Pillow Princess’s husband might not want her on top/controlling the action because he comes more quickly than he wants to in that position. For me, the fact that he’ll only let her on top after she’s had an orgasm is the tell. Maybe she needs to explore changing the angle/action? Or reassure him that she doesn’t care how long he lasts and she doesn’t want him to hold back? —Ladies First These are great tips for a possible subcategory of “being as concerned about her pleasure as she is about his.” Hey How to Do It, Re Dildo Debacle: I think if I found a dildo on my lawn I’d think a dog found it and left it there. I don’t think “flung by a neighbour during an argument” would enter my mind. I should add, though, that now and for the rest of my life, if I ever see an unexpected dildo, I’m going to say, “Looks like the neighbours are fighting again.” —Reality Bites I would be out there with the relevant personal protective equipment, and at least three friends would be asked to repeat back to me what I already know, which is, “My desire to understand the life story of this dildo is not worth the societal upset that will be caused by putting up ‘found’ flyers all over the neighborhood.” Marks from animal teeth and claws would absolutely be on the list of clues to look for. Advice Sex