I’m a gay stepdad – I don’t know how to tell my kids I love them

I first met their Dad, Sam, my now husband, at a protest in June 2022 (Picture: Ben Smoke) I have a problem – I don’t know how to tell my kids I love them. Actually, I’m not really sure if I can call them ‘my kids’. My stepson, 12, and my stepdaughter, 10, have been in my life for four years but I have never found the words to express to them how I feel. Not because I don’t love them – they are some of the most important people in my life and I would do anything for them. But, as a gay step-dad, I have found myself fumbling for the right way to say it. For a whole host of reasons. Look beyond the headlines Get a curated list of the most important stories of the weekend every Sunday from our weekend editor Jess Austin. Look beyond the headlines with exclusive articles, emotive interviews and must-read explainers from our expert team of reporters across news, lifestyle and entertainment. Sign up here. Among them, ambient innuendo about gay men being a threat to children, weaponised with increased frequency, has made me second guess how I express myself to the kids. It’s made me cautious about expressing my love for them. I first met their Dad, Sam, my now husband, at a protest in June 2022. Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. That night we had a fun time together, text each other intermittently saying we should go for drinks again and finally made it happen in November of that year. We started dating from that moment onwards and haven’t really been apart since. We’d known of each other from online circles before we met in person, so I was aware he had children with his previous partner. While it didn’t make me question dating him, having kids wasn’t something I’d ever properly considered before. Friday evenings moved from drinks and dancing until the crack of dawn to cooking dinner and cleaning up after two young children (Picture: Ben Smoke) Biologically the mechanics aren’t particularly in my favour and other options like surrogacy and adoption, are either expensive or admin heavy. On top of that, cliched as it is, I did not have a good father. My parents divorce was filled with anger and spite and pain, the scars of which still linger. As tortuous as that was, it did bless me with a loving and kind step-dad my mum’s partner so I thought lots about him in the early days of our relationship. I thought about how he sort of arrived one day, got stuck in and never left. He gave me the courage to imagine a version of the story where I became him rather than my own father. So, from the beginning I knew I had to commit fully and that’s what I did. We and I moved in together after a couple of months of dating and from there, every weekend the kids lived with us (Picture: Ben Smoke) The first day I met them I felt nervous but within minutes they both sat on me, trying to show me competing things on their tablets, chattering away like I’d always known them. We and I moved in together after a couple of months of dating and from there, every weekend the kids lived with us. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a culture shock – Friday evenings moved from drinks and dancing until the crack of dawn to cooking dinner and cleaning up after two young children. Excited gossip over pints changed to try to extract information out of a 6 and 8 year old about what they did at school that week (beyond what they had for lunch). They’d come bundling in through the door, all school bags and coats, breathlessly falling over themselves to tell me at length about a particularly majestic leaf they’d seen four months ago but could not remember what they did in Maths two hours previously. Queer Hope & Joy Metro is sharing stories of Queer Hope & Joy, where we are centring stories that platform the vibrancy, diversity and resilience of the LGBTQ+ community. This is running alongside LGBT Foundation's Hope Starts Here campaign, and will represent as many LGBTQ+ identities as possible, while spreading hope and joy at a time it is very much needed. Find out more about LGBT Foundation's campaign here. To submit your story of your Queer Hope & Joy send your pitches to: sharan.dhaliwal@metro.co.uk On Saturdays I spent more time in the park and walking in nature than hungover, which was a nice change but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult. Those first Sunday nights, after the kids had left, I’d often sit alone in our room just staring at the wall, relishing in the silence. Soon though, I started to get it, and love every quirk about them. To this day, I have lists of outlandish things they’ve said or done that have made me belly laugh on my phone. Like the time my then 7 year old step daughter walked into our bedroom at 8am on a Saturday morning and asked us if we knew who Marilyn Monroe was (we did) before confidently declaring that the star had died because she mocked god and walked out with no further comments (we are not a religious household.) One day, I looked around and I couldn’t remember what it was like to not love the kids (Picture: Ben Smoke) There is no feeling that compares to the one that blossoms inside you when one of them instinctively reaches up to grab your hand at a traffic lights or moves next to you on the couch and rests their head on you to watch a film. One day, I looked around and I couldn’t remember what it was like to not love the kids. When Sam and I got engaged after two and a half years of dating it was in no small part for the kids as much as us. We talked about how it would be a way to make them feel safe and solid – to show them I wasn’t going anywhere. We ordered £12.99 rings from Argos and one of the first conversations we had was about telling the kids. A couple of days later, when he picked them up from school for the weekend with us, Sam explained our decision. I love them more deeply than I thought one could and yet, I have no idea how to tell them (Picture: Ben Smoke) Their reaction when we told them was one of happiness, quickly eclipsed by excitement about the prospect of new outfits and snacks. Shortly before we got married earlier this year, we moved out of London to be closer to where they went to school. I can no longer imagine my life before I thought about these kids all the time. I lay awake worrying about them or thinking about hurdles and obstacles – I love them more deeply than I thought one could and yet, I have no idea how to tell them. Families are complex things. Queer families often even more so. Soon though, I started to get it, and love every quirk about them. (Picture: Ben Smoke) As a gay person with few parents in my life, it can often feel incredibly lonely trying to manoeuvre my way through these minefields. It becomes even more isolating against the background noise of homophobia. A few weeks ago, the night before my stepson’s first day at secondary school I was texting him. I wished him good luck and then we went back and forth a bit before the conversation neared its natural conclusion. (Picture: Ben Smoke) I was sitting in my favourite bar in Dalston. I’m not sure why I chose this moment of all of them to text ‘LY pal’ but I did it. A few anxious moments, that felt like a lifetime, after the message blueticked he replied with a red heart – which in pre-teen is practically a war and peace epic dedicated to his feelings. It’s hard to really capture the whirl of feelings I felt in that moment. Relief and joy flooded through me as a weight lifted off me. I’ve turned the moment over in my head since and why it felt so important. Feeling loved, wanted and cared is something that so many people crave, and many people lack. Loving children, rather than a romantic partner or friends has taught me about a different kind of love. One that is less transactional. More weighted on the overwhelming desire to ensure their safety and happiness no matter what. Regardless of how or if that’s ever vocalised, what an honour it is to love them and to be their step parent. Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk. Share your views in the comments below. 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