I’m a famous comedian paying tax. My bank thinks I’m a fraudster

Sometimes it can be incredibly hard to persuade a bank to give you access to your own money. I was recently trying to pay a tax bill, which might be unfairly regarded as something of a novelty for a stand-up comedian. When I tried to pay online using a debit card there had been a problem, so I was instructed to call an advisor at my bank. When I called the bank, I was prompted by a digital voice to put in two digits of my passcode, and having navigated several possible options, none of which involved being put through to an advisor, I was then allowed to hold for an advisor. When this advisor did eventually answer, they immediately asked me again to put in two digits of my passcode. Subsequently, I have found you can save time by getting the two digits wrong initially, because that way you get put straight through to an advisor, without having to hold or navigate options at all. The bank’s advisor said that she could see that I was trying to pay by debit card and that there was a problem with this as there were limits in place to prevent fraud. I pointed out that they knew it wasn’t fraud as I had just put in two digits of my passcode twice, and also in the whole history of crime, has anybody tried to defraud somebody else by paying their tax bill for them? The advisor said she was sorry but that if I wanted to pay by debit card, I would have to pay in instalments. I then pointed out that this meant that the bank could still be defrauded, it would just be over a number of days. The advisor said she wasn’t authorised to answer that but repeated that there were limits in place to prevent fraud. I pointed out that it wasn’t fraud as I had already given many security answers about myself including the name of my first pet and the name of the road where I grew up, and, if they would like, I could even put the two of them together and give them my porn star name as well. It was then that the bank advisor said that I should be aware that the call was being recorded for training purposes, and I replied that I would be surprised if they were going to use this one, as I wasn’t sure they would learn very much. At this point, the advisor thought it might be best if she got her supervisor to give me a call straight back. Five minutes later, I get a call back from the supervisor who asks me to give a few security details to verify who I am. I pointed out that he had called me up, so surely I should be the one asking for security details. Besides, they had some quite good security details about me already given that I was specifically waiting for their call and could even tell them, why they were calling. Obviously, there was a very high chance that I was in fact a burglar who had decided to pick up the phone on the off chance that it was a bank on the line who were about to be a bit loose with some account details. Having recounted this story on social media, I realised that this sort of experience happens depressingly often. Many people contacted me to tell of their similarly frustrating calls to different companies including banks, telephone providers and water companies. One relayed that there was no need to even get two digits of passcode wrong – just doing nothing would get you straight through to an advisor. Several had telephone providers calling them up on their telephone number and were then asked to tell the telephone provider what their telephone number was. One person, when told that the call was being recorded for training purposes, had said that they were also recording the call, at which point the caller had nervously rung off. One lady had been on hold to a water company and was told to press one to get a call back, and having pressed one, was still waiting for that call back several days later, so was extremely grateful she hadn’t stayed on hold. Somebody else had stayed on hold whilst his partner went to fetch their debit card and given that it had taken a long time, the man had apologised to the bank advisor that he had no bland elevator music to bridge the delay. And another person had been so unhappy with a call from their bank, that when prompted to give feedback on the call decided uncharacteristically to stay on the line. When asked how happy she had been with the service provided by the bank on a scale between one and five, she had said one. When asked to repeat this, she said one again, at which point the person asking for the feedback promptly hung up. Banks have recently been calling for the Chancellor not to increase taxes on them, but these banks have lately been making bumper profits thanks to higher interest rates and mortgage costs. If we taxpayers bail them out in their bad times, then it seems reasonable that they return some of that money to us in their good times. And maybe, the next time desperate banks call on the government for some help, we should ask them for two digits of their passcode. This week I have been… Planning… With the nights drawing in, it’s less tempting to get out and exercise, but I have been planning to do some. I have got myself a smart watch now and one of its features is to tell me how well I have slept. If I’ve been awake looking after one of my kids during the night, I occasionally check to see how little sleep I actually managed. Usually the smart watch will say eight hours with a big tick next to it, when I know that I have had nowhere near that amount. It appears I haven’t been asleep, but my watch has. Hoping… With the American midterms coming up, I have been hoping that Americans will turn against Donald Trump. Trump said in March that the Iran war had been won and would be over in two or three weeks. With U.S. pump prices now having gone up around 50 per cent since the start of the Iran war, Trump may well face a double whammy. Not only have prices soared, but it seems he may also get hurt by a low voter turnout. Trump has consistently tried to legislate against postal voting, but with current petrol prices, you’ve got to really want to vote for someone to bother to drive all the way to a polling booth. Touring… it is the last weeks of my 2025/26 Tour ‘Please #@!$ Off To Mars’, and I have noticed that several of the remaining theatres have resident ghosts. The Theatre Royal in Winchester has apparently several spirits including an Edwardian ghost who drifts through walls, a soldier and a dancing girl. We are filming the show there for a TV comedy special, so if we don’t see anything on the night, we can always check the footage for mysterious orbs of light. I’m also playing Royal & Derngate in Northampton which has a famous Grey Lady ghost who often manifests as a distinct smell in the corridor. So, if anybody is suffering from wind, they can always wait for the interval and blame the ghost. To see Andy on tour or contact him, please visit: www.andyparsons.co.uk