If My Husband Really Wants His Dream Thanksgiving “Adventure,” He Can Wrangle the Twins … Alone

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Lana2011/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband, “Samuel,” and I have 2.5-year-old twin boys, and my mother-in-law, “Diana,” is asking us to bring them over to her house for Thanksgiving and stay for the weekend. My in-laws live four hours away, and I don’t want to attempt to drive with two toddlers who have trouble sitting still during one of the busiest travel periods of the year. Not to mention, Diana’s home isn’t particularly kid-friendly. Samuel is convinced it won’t be that big a deal and will be “an adventure” for the boys. Should I put my foot down or let him try wrangling them himself while I stay home? —Traveling Circus Dear Traveling Circus, You’re thinking there are only two options: have everyone stay home or have him go with the boys alone. Both mean that either your immediate family is split up or your husband misses out on spending time with the rest of his family, who aren’t exactly close by and whom he might really want to see. Out of these two options, I choose the second. Let Samuel take the twins to his mom. If he feels confident he has it under control, let him give it a shot. While the thought of a trip with the twins might seem like a chaotic nightmare to you, it could be something he’s truly looking forward to doing. And he might be a pro at it! Some people are really good travelers. Don’t count your mother-in-law completely out either. She’s had a toddler before. I’m sure she knows what they need for a weekend and what other support she might want to bring in if she doesn’t have it. But I think you should also consider a third option: going with Samuel and getting a hotel near your mother-in-law’s home. Many hotels have family rooms, which are affordable and great for traveling with little kids, especially. If you don’t mind splurging a bit and making it feel like a vacation, you might even find a fancier option that can include activities, games, and special sleeping arrangements. Take a peek and see what your options are. This way, you’d be able to enjoy your in-laws and then return to a more comfortable space at the end of the day. Also, as far as a 4-hour drive goes, while it might seem impossibly long if you’ve never done it before, timing a road trip of that length around nap time, being a little more flexible than usual with screen time, and packing easy snacks and toys can be a real game-changer. While I only have one son, we have always hit the road, just the two of us, his entire life—traveling as far as 17 hours at a time. The car offers a lot of flexibility. You can always stop, go to the bathroom, get extra snacks, and really pack anything and everything you can think of. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, Can you offer some advice on how to get a parent to accept that they need to wear adult diapers? My mother is 81, and over the last year, instances where she has had accidents (the number two kind) have been occurring with greater and greater frequency (she’s had five within the last month). The most recent one happened when my son came home from college this past weekend. We went out to dinner, and midway through, she had an accident. Luckily, I had a change of clothes for her just in case. Any suggestion of mine that she wear adult diapers is met with indignant outrage and claims that she just needs to cut back on eating dried fruit. She won’t even see a doctor about it. These incidents are as embarrassing as they are disgusting. My husband has reached the point where he says either she wears the diapers or he doesn’t want her in our house. What can I do here? —It’s Not the Fiber (she/her) Dear It’s Not the Fiber, You—and especially your husband—have to take things slower and work at the speed your mom needs. She seems to be working through the mental challenge of accepting that her body is changing. That has to be extremely hard. Think about the times you may have felt the same way. Right now, I’m in perimenopause, and I’ve never felt more different. Every part of me feels foreign. Odd! And I get sad about it. So, I can only imagine how I would feel (or will feel) when I get to another stage of aging in which things feel even more out of my control. Your mom needs your understanding and not a push. What you can do is provide what she needs so she can make that decision herself. Maybe stock some high-quality adult diapers in the bathroom that she uses in a nice box or bag in the cabinet and just let her know they are there. Then tell her, “I know you don’t need them now, but I have these under the sink next to the pads and tampons in case any of us or any visitors need them, so I’m just letting you know they’re there.” If she continues to refuse to talk to her doctor, you may want to consider contacting them yourself to let them know what’s going on with her. In the meantime, continue to keep that extra pair of clothes with you. The same way your mom would always keep extra clothes for you when you were young and prone to accidents. It doesn’t mean you’re infantilizing her; you’re helping her keep her dignity in times she might not be prepared. And tell your husband it’s not his decision where she goes. He needs to practice a bit of patience here. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, My neighbor, “Jamie,” and I got pregnant at the same time and became fast friends. I had a little girl, and she had opposite sex twins; only “Trey” has severe developmental delays to the point that he still wears diapers at age 8 and is a huge flight risk. Jamie and her husband had to put locks on every door because Trey will and has opened doors and escaped, including in the middle of the night. It isn’t so bad in a locked backyard with multiple adults around, but now that our girls are older and fast friends, Jamie keeps trying to push me into taking Trey along with his sister for playdates because that is “what you do with twins.” I am a stay-at-home mom and have a toddler. I am nowhere near able or equipped to watch Trey in my home by myself, even without three other children. Trey is in therapy and on medication, but he still has violent tantrums where he will kick, hit, bite, and scratch. Jamie and her family have lost family support over the years and truly feel isolated. I have tried to be sympathetic and helpful, like coming over to clean and cook because my neighbors are so overwhelmed and taking their daughter along when we did family events. Jamie just seems to resent me and demand more and more after every favor. For a Halloween-inspired party, I won a raffle that included holiday-themed mani-pedis. I asked the owner if she would be willing to split it up for three little girls since it came to the same price. I wanted to take my daughter, my niece, and Jamie’s daughter to go get their nails painted, get ice cream, and temporarily dye their hair or decorate pumpkins. Jamie got legitimately upset with me and asked me why her son couldn’t come. Beyond the fact that it was a girls’ day with only three spots, putting Trey around chemicals and sharp objects with no watcher would be dangerous. Jamie went on to berate me for always ignoring Trey and implied I was a bad friend and was discriminating against her son. I told her I needed to go and later texted her to forget my offer. The problem is my daughter has no filter and talked to Jamie’s daughter about going and how they are going to have so much fun. That isn’t happening, and the little girl is upset. Jamie blames me. She will not communicate or even let the girls play together on our little cul-de-sac. She will cross the street if she sees me out with the stroller and walking the dog. I feel heartbroken at the loss of a nine-year-long friendship and don’t know how to explain it to my daughter. What, if anything, do I do here? —Nine Years Dear Nine Years, Right now, because Jamie is not speaking to you, I don’t think there’s anything for you to do. It was completely reasonable not to invite her son to a girls’ day at the nail salon, and that would be true even if he had no developmental delays. Unless it was an activity that he also would have loved, Jamie should have allowed her daughter to go and then taken her son to do something else that he would have enjoyed at the same time, so he could also do something that felt special to him. But if she does come around later—she could very well regret blaming you later—be clear and let her know that the best way you can support her in caring for her son won’t always be watching him for her. Sometimes, support could look like helping her research other resources or respite care, or looking for recommendations for trusted babysitters. While my friends might help me with my son with special needs in a pinch, they actually very rarely babysit him. Most of their support comes from researching and making phone calls on my behalf. That kind of help is truly invaluable. I appreciate it so much! There are many ways to support a friend. —Arionne More Advice From Slate I am wondering about the upsides of a drastic potential move. My husband and I have three kids in sixth grade, third grade, and kindergarten. We live in a great walkable neighborhood in the metro area of an East Coast city. We have been here all the kids’ lives, and now we are bursting at the seams, and at a loss for affordable, bigger homes locally. Advice Family Kids Parenting