If Couples Can’t Let Go of This Particular Battle, They’re in for a Miserable Marriage

Dear Prudence Prudie replies to readers’ comments and suggestions. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 18, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Victoruler/Adobe Stock and Slate. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday. Hey Prudie, Re Don’t Cry Over Spoiled Milk: It sounds like the letter writer’s girlfriend might be a bit on the extreme end, although the fact that it is irritating him so much might be an exaggeration. Having lived with my spouse for a decade and knowing many other couples, you just have to decide if you really care that much. I could certainly make a list of all the things that my spouse does almost daily that irritate me. For example, he has popcorn almost every night after I go to bed and leaves the popcorn bag on the counter instead of putting it in the trash 2 feet away, for me to find in the morning and put it in the trash. Also, he has cereal every morning and leaves the bowl in the sink, unsoaked, so I find it with crusted cereal in it instead of rinsing it real quick and putting it in one of our two dishwashers, one of which is always empty. I’m sure there are things that irritate him about me; the fact that I leave my sleeping clothes on the bathroom floor in the morning is one that comes to mind. Me? I’ve decided that nagging him about these things is not going to be productive, and I can just throw the popcorn bag in the trash and soak the bowl myself. It takes like literally 2 minutes out of my day, and remember all the amazing things he is so on top of in the house, like watering the garden and cleaning the cat box. Honestly, it’s fine, I don’t want to clean the cat box. I know couples who have never been able to let it go, and 10 years in, they are completely miserable. I could be super irritated about it, but he’s probably still going to do it at least sometimes, and me being irritated about it is the problem, not the 15 seconds it takes to fix the problem when I leave the house, so I just choose not to be irritated by it. —J I love the way you’re thinking about this. It reminds me of a piece of marriage advice I once heard from a long-married couple: “Make big things small things and small things nothing.” But the catch is that it only works if you can actually convince yourself that these “small things” don’t really matter. I hope the letter writer can do that as well as you have. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Hey Prudie, Re Closeted Cisgender: First off, I definitely agree that the letter writer should not be pretending to be a trans woman, whether accidentally or not. She definitely needs to speak to her brother about all of it before doing anything else. However, as a trans man (out, but with a 100 percent stealth partner), I’d like to caution her against trying to get him to come out at all, even just to the friend group. A lot of people who are stealth are no-exceptions (beyond a romantic partner, who will obviously see more private things), not even with people they know would be accepting, like a friend group full of queer and trans folks. Being stealth is complex and can be very taxing, and isn’t a decision people tend to make lightly. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how the friend group would feel if LW’s brother just isn’t comfortable with people knowing. I think it’s fine to tell a harmless white lie after clarifying that she’s cis, if anyone even asks about the twin thing. Something like, “I was a real tomboy as a kid, so we were basically treated as identical,” or “(Brother) wore his hair long when we were kids, etc.” Discuss it with the brother first, because that’s the most important perspective here. It sounds like they have a great relationship and should be able to have this discussion easily, which is important, because outing someone, even by accident, can be the end of that. It’s also possible that no one will even mention the twin thing after. People can be surprisingly oblivious! Either way, it’s a really dangerous era for trans people in the U.S., and I hope all this can get straightened out while maintaining the brother’s safety, both mental and physical. —World’s Outest Trans Man Defends Being Stealth This is an important perspective and a good reminder. I’m sold on the approach you suggest. Hey Prudie, Re Old School Manners: I think the letter writer was correct in using it to address the waitress. However, I am from the South. Northerners take umbrage at its use, but in the South it is merely respectful. I will even address children this way. It gets one’s attention and sounds better than “hey you.” When added to a “yes” or “no,” it acts as a gentle exclamation point, and people hear you better without having to raise your voice. (I have seen this in action, as the listener will engage more actively.) As a Southerner who lived for decades in New York, I will die on this hill. —Southern Girl I respect your choice, ma’am! Hey Prudie, Re Old School Manners: As a born-and-raised Texan who relocated to New England six years ago, I had to break myself of a lifelong “ma’am”/“sir” habit for a reason not addressed by your answer, which I think might have been in play here if the siblings are at all socially progressive: Calling the server “ma’am” assumes that the person identifies as female. As difficult as it has been for me, I have continued to use the rest of my manners up here while dropping any gendered assumptions! —Joy That’s a great point, and I’m surprised I didn’t think of it because my Texas-raised husband, who throws ma’am around generously, once realized, as soon as it left his mouth, that he had probably misapplied it to a DSW employee whom he was asking about the store’s shoe stock. I wasn’t even in the exchange, but I was mortified. Best to avoid this! Hey Prudie, Re Old School Manners: During COVID, I used to go to a local convenience store for a Diet Coke most days. One of the new employees, a young kid, called me ma’am. I jokingly told him not to call me that, but he could call me by my name, Hey You, or Nana. I was Nana to all of them throughout the COVID years. That is my only fond memory of that period. —Don’t Call Me Ma’am That’s cute. And I’m glad he chose Nana over “Hey you.” Hey Prudie, For Denture Disgust: Has the letter writer considered serving mother-in-law’s beverages (and maybe everyone else’s when she’s over, so she won’t feel singled out) with a straw? I’m wondering if that might help keep her dentures in, as it would be easier to drink and help her to avoid staining, which happens faster with dentures. —Stainless Steel Magnolias Good idea as long as there’s no food involved! Classic Prudie I’m a woman in my early 30s. My housemate is a man in his mid-20s. We became friends through work this year and decided to become housemates. It was a good personality fit and an economic benefit for us both. We have separate bedrooms and a shared living space. It’s pretty plum in every way, except that he seems to think I’m his girlfriend. Advice Dear Prudence Marriage