I Was Shocked When I Heard How My Daughter’s Friend Talks to Her. I Can’t Condone This.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter “Ella,” 11, just started middle school. We have a membership to our local zoo that means we can get in any time, bringing up to four people, at no extra cost. Ella recently befriended a classmate named “Olivia,” who came to the zoo with us last weekend. I didn’t really know Olivia before the trip, but I vaguely know her mom, who thought the outing was a wonderful idea. Well, it didn’t go as I hoped. All day, whenever Ella tried to interact with Olivia, Olivia responded with terse, dismissive, or rude remarks. Ella would say something like “I’m excited to see the kangaroos next,” to which Olivia would reply, “Ugh, I hate things that hop,” and then Ella would immediately say, “Me too, actually.” I did get upset and intervened when Olivia called Ella “endearing” nicknames like “Four-eyes.” After a few times, she stopped, at least in front of me. Later, after we dropped her off, Ella yelled at me for “embarrassing” her in front of her “friend.” My husband and I are at odds about where to go from here—whether we should tell Olivia’s mom about what happened, explicitly forbid Ella from seeing Olivia, gently probe more into Ella’s friendship with Olivia and let her know that the way Olivia was treating her wasn’t OK. I plan to put my foot down and at least not drive Olivia anywhere else again. I’m not sure what else to do now. Ella has examples of functioning, healthy friendships, so she must know on some level that the way Olivia is treating her isn’t OK. —Not Your Friend Dear Not Your Friend, Something I tell my kids is that anyone they care about who’s kind to them and treats them well is always welcome with us. I added that little clause because I do reserve the right to not assist or enable them in hanging out with people I think are unkind, and because I wanted to reinforce the point that being treated well should be a baseline expectation in every relationship they have. But now that they’re both teens, I can’t kid myself about having much control over who they choose to be friends with. Your daughter is in middle school, so you are or soon will be in the same boat. She’s dependent on you for transportation and hosting, so it’ll be challenging for her to see anyone you don’t want her to see outside of school. But if she wants to be friends with Olivia, she’ll likely find some way to be, even if you don’t approve and are not driving them around anymore. That doesn’t mean you don’t still have plenty of influence as Ella’s parent. You can talk with her, ask questions, offer your opinions, support her good instincts, and, yes, put your foot down when and where you need to. Your goal now and for the next several years is to help her learn to make her own healthy decisions. First I’d wait a bit, until Ella cools off, and then try to reapproach. You don’t have to say that you were wrong if you don’t believe you were, but you can acknowledge how she felt: “Thanks for telling me that you were embarrassed. I didn’t mean to embarrass you and I will think about it next time you’re hanging out with a friend.” If she seems open to more discussion, you could ask how she felt about that zoo trip with Olivia. Resist the urge to tell her how you felt, or how you think she should feel; recognize and affirm her feelings: You hear her. You get why she felt that way. You’re glad she told you, etc. Of course it’s also okay to mention things you observed that made you concerned, but deep down she probably already knows what those things are, so try to keep the focus on her and whatever she decides to share with you. As you pointed out, Ella probably already knows what a good, healthy friendship looks like based on some of her other relationships. For this reason, too, I think it’s okay to listen more than you talk. Be curious—ask about those other friends, the people she feels closest to, and what she thinks is most important in a friendship. Agree with everything she says that shows her understanding of the importance of kindness and respect. Encourage her to think about which friendships she values most and why, and prioritize the connections that make her feel good—i.e., the ones with people who treat her well. One of the hardest things to do as the parent of a preteen or teen is to let them learn by making their own choices, which will inevitably include some mistakes. It’s so tempting to want to step in every time, to try to keep them from making even the smallest mistake; we love them and want them to have only positive experiences! And of course, you will continue to get involved if and when it feels necessary for Ella’s safety. But no matter how capable she is, her emotional development probably won’t look like a nonstop upward arc, and experience can be a tough but necessary teacher for kids her age. For the next several years, your focus as a parent may gradually shift, with less and less emphasis on forbidding and rule-enforcing and putting your foot down, and more on listening, advising, gentle probing (as you put it!) and prodding, and tons of encouragement when your daughter does make a good choice for herself. The more she trusts you—the more she believes that you trust her—the more influence you will be able to have as she continues to learn and develop. Even when you feel compelled to tell her what you think she should do, which of course you still will sometimes, try to do so with an acknowledgment of her capability and budding independence. In this particular case, you might say something like: “I know that you’re a kind, smart, wonderful person with good priorities, and I trust you to make good decisions about your friendships.” Ella needs to know that you do believe in her—it will help her trust and believe in herself. —Nicole More Parenting Advice From Slate I have two grandchildren. One visits monthly, even though she has a full-time job and is in college. The other rarely visits, and our interactions are limited to Christmas presents and what we can do for grandchild No. 2. She has just turned 18 and in wishing her happy birthday, I discovered that there is a party being thrown for her. No, we weren’t invited, I discovered this through a Facebook post. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids