I was cheating on my boyfriend with a man who was engaged… but now I feel used and heartbroken

DEAR DEIDRE: I BETRAYED my boyfriend by starting a fling with an old pal I bumped into in a nightclub – even though he’s now engaged. But it’s backfired horribly and I’m the one left feeling hurt and used. The guy I cheated with had suggested we grab a drink to catch up and, because the chemistry between us was undeniable, I agreed. I am 24 and even though I have been with my partner for a couple of years, it is not going well because we argue all the time. He is 25. This guy was someone I had known briefly at college. He’s two years older than me. He told me he was engaged to be married this summer, but I played it cool and didn’t react. When we left the club, he pulled me into his arms and we kissed. Then he suggested that we go back to his flat — conveniently, his fiancée was away. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial We ended up having the most passionate sex I’ve ever experienced. As I got dressed, he made it clear that if we were to see each other again, it would be on a no-strings, strictly fun basis. I wanted him so badly that I would have agreed to just about anything. We met up for sex a couple more times before he suddenly cooled things between us, reminding me that he had warned me from the start that it was just casual. I was heartbroken but tried to accept it. Then a friend complained about this exact same guy hitting on her just a week before he targeted me. Suddenly, I realised he was only after as much sex as possible before settling down. I feel used and so guilty for cheating on my partner. My boyfriend and I are still constantly arguing and, despite everything, I can’t stop thinking about the other guy. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Getting involved with someone who was about to get married was always going to invite trouble. Best to learn from this mistake and put your energy and focus into your own relationship. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how things are between you? Despite everything, you and he are still together, so it is crucial to work out the root cause of these arguments. Ask yourself honestly: do you still love one another enough to put in the effort to make it work? If the love between you is no longer there, it is time to end it. Staying only keeps the misery going for both of you. Walk away and free yourself to find someone who is emotionally available and able to be with you in the way you deserve. My support pack, Finding The Right Partner For You, will help you to think it all through and move forward. TIRED OF PARTNER SNORING DEAR DEIDRE: I BARELY get any sleep because my partner snores so loudly. We also have a little boy who wakes early every morning. I am exhausted. I am 27 and my partner is 29. I work full-time and wake up most mornings with a headache. Every night, I have to nudge him to try to make him sleep on his side. It is the only way he stops. We have tried everything, including nasal strips, but nothing works. I don’t want him to move into the spare room, but he may have to if this continues. What makes it worse is his attitude. He insists it isn’t his problem, which feels unfair. Our little boy refuses to go back to sleep unless he is in our bed. Once he is with us, any hope of rest disappears. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but this relentless sleep deprivation is pushing me to my limit. DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds exhausting. You must urge your partner to see his GP immediately as his snoring could actually indicate an underlying medical condition like sleep apnoea. If it isn’t medical, look into sleep clinics for self-help. My support pack, Stopping Snoring, explains more. Regardless, tell him to change his selfish attitude. Your exhaustion will impact your relationship and make problems for him soon, too. Improving a toddler’s poor sleep pattern is possible. The NHS has a step-by-step guide (nhs.uk/baby/health/sleep-and-young-children). GIRLFRIEND HAS GONE OFF SEX DEAR DEIDRE: IT really hurts that my girlfriend rejects me whenever I try to spice things up in the bedroom. She gets incredibly angry if I buy her sexy underwear, accusing me of trying to make her behave like a porn star. I am 35 and she is 33. We’ve been together for six years and, in all that time, she has never once initiated sex. On the rare occasions that I do try to instigate things, she completely shuts down or acts like it’s one big hassle. I think we are too young to be in a sexless relationship. I regularly tell her how much I love her and I make a point of giving her plenty of kisses and cuddles. While she seems perfectly happy with just that level of affection, it isn’t enough for me any more. I feel completely rejected. I am at a loss over how to fix this. I don’t know what else to do. DEIDRE SAYS: Let’s be honest – buying sexy undies is really about your own desires rather than making her feel special. You complain about her lack of enthusiasm, yet you say very little about what you actually do to make sex a satisfying experience for her. If you want her to change her attitude, you need to change your approach. My support pack, Thrilling A Woman In Bed, explains exactly what you can do to prioritise her pleasure, so she may finally feel more inclined to thrill you in return. DEVASTATED BY WIFE'S AFFAIR DEAR DEIDRE: DISCOVERING my wife had been texting another man shattered my world. I had my suspicions because she became fiercely protective of her phone, keeping it face down and taking it everywhere – even into the bathroom. I am 49, she is 45, and we’ve been together for 20 years. Until recently, she was the most loving, warm, gentle person I’d ever met, but she’s changed. It’s like a switch has flipped. She has become cold and distant. One evening, when she fell asleep on the sofa, her phone was vibrating repeatedly on the coffee table. The lock screen notifications showed the messages she’d been sent. They all came from one of her male colleagues. When I confronted her, she was furious, saying I’d invaded her privacy and she couldn’t forgive me. Things have since intensified between them. She’s slept with him and now insists there is no going back for us. I am totally devastated because I still love her, despite her betrayal. I have moved out of our home and am sleeping on my daughter’s couch. But I am willing to forgive my wife to the extent that I even arranged couples’ counselling. I promised her I would do whatever it takes to get her back and work on our relationship, but she isn’t interested. She says she loves this other man now. DEIDRE SAYS: It is worth being honest and asking yourself if you were the most loving, supportive partner she could have ever wished for during your time together. Is there any chance she will eventually open up and explain what changed so drastically for her? Regardless of her choices, you would still benefit from seeing the counsellor, even if it’s alone for now. Counselling can help you work out what went wrong in the relationship and your wife might even decide to join you later once she realises what she has lost. If she doesn’t, you can find healthy ways to rebuild your life and a counsellor can help you move forward. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains more about how it works.