I Was Always the Weird Kid the Teacher Didn’t Like. Now I Have a Chance to Save Someone From That Fate.

Care and Feeding I can’t just watch this happen. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by AaronAmat/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I (an adult) just started taking martial arts classes, and I’m uncomfortable with the way the instructor treats one of the other students. It’s a mixed teen/adult class, and one of the teenagers, “Chris,” regularly gets singled out in a way that seems really wrong to me. I’ve only been three times so far, but in two of those classes the instructor has made comments such as, “You can hit Chris, it’s OK, nobody likes him.” I get (I mean I hope!) that she means it as a joke, but this is really bothering me, and I’m worried about the effects this sort of commentary could be having on Chris. I’ve been the weird kid the teacher didn’t like, and that stuff can stick with you forever. This is a school that has a creed recited at the beginning of class, including the phrase “never be abusive”! I feel like I ought to say something to the instructor, but I don’t know what or how. Please help. —Worried About Chris Dear Worried, You can, and should, say something. I think that every adult has a responsibility to stand up for and protect children whenever they’re in a position to do so. The way to approach this with the instructor is to use care not to sound accusatory (or even critical), so that she doesn’t get defensive. Phrase it as something that’s troubling you rather than as something she’s doing wrong. Try: “I wonder if can talk to you about something that’s making me uncomfortable?” and when she says, “Certainly” (as she had better! If she doesn’t, that’s a red flag in itself), say, “I’m sure you’re just kidding around and don’t mean anything by it, but when you say stuff like ‘Nobody likes him’ about one of the kids in the class, I kind of flash back to things teachers said to me when I was a kid. I’m pretty sure they meant no harm, but those things have stayed with me all these years. It’s amazing how the things teachers and other adults in kids’ lives can have such a big impact, both good and bad.” I hope she’ll get the message and change the way she talks to and about Chris. I hope she doesn’t say, “I have never said that about anyone in the class!” so that you don’t have to cite chapter and verse (don’t cite chapter and verse, by the way; if this happens, say, mildly, “Really? Wow. I thought I’d heard it, multiple times. I must have misheard you”). I also hope she doesn’t double down, take offense even though you’ve done your best not to offend, or otherwise react in a way that should send you directly to the school/program’s director to lodge a complaint. It’s also possible she’ll get the message, be embarrassed and/or contrite, and think (or even say), “Ugh, I didn’t realize I might be doing harm” and then still make these comments, reflexively, thoughtlessly—and if that happens, I hope you’ll give her a long, hard look, maybe even shake your head slightly, to remind her of your conversation. (Then, if this behavior still doesn’t stop, I’d take it to the director. Because someone who is mean to a child has no business working as a teacher.) Meanwhile: Be as nice as possible to Chris—and the other teens in this mixed teen/adult class. (For that matter, be nice to everyone.) Say hello and goodbye. Ask, “How’re you doing?” Offer a compliment after class when you notice something done well. Kindness from an adult can stay with a kid for years, too. Other adults also appreciate a kind and friendly word. Be that person. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband’s mother passed away two weeks ago after an unexpected stroke. He and our 5- and 8-year-old boys are devastated, but in truth, I’m ready to celebrate. His mother was overbearing, relentlessly criticized my every action, and made it clear she never considered me to be a part of her family. It was like I needed permission to be alive around her. I’m having a really hard time faking being sad for my husband and kids’ sakes. One of my friends has suggested that our social circle get together to celebrate her passing so I can get the celebration out of my system. That sounds good, but the problem will still be waiting for me when I get home. Any suggestions? —Ding Dong the Witch is Gone Dear Gone, You don’t have to fake being sad. You just have to be respectful of your husband and kids’ feelings and not display your delight. And you can be tender, kind, compassionate, and loving to your grieving family without sharing in their grief. Focus on them and their feelings, not on the mother-in-law about whom they’re feeling it. Surely you can summon up empathy and gentleness for the people who you love most when they are suffering, even as you are secretly relieved—even thrilled—that someone who treated you badly is gone forever. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, My sister, “Daphne,” went through an ugly divorce with her now-ex-husband, “Ryan,” last year. They have two boys, who are 4 and 7, and they share 50/50 custody. Every time there’s a handoff, Daphne and Ryan get into a shouting match in which profanity and insults are hurled. I’ve had the misfortune to be present for a few of these, and I honestly thought I was going to have to physically restrain my sister to prevent her from doing something that would get her arrested. But the worst part of it is that each time, the kids were left shaking and in tears over what they witnessed. Would it be appropriate for me to speak to Daphne and offer to facilitate the handoffs with my nephews so the kids don’t end up traumatized every time? —Concerned Aunt Dear Aunt, Yes! But make this offer diplomatically, gently, and cautiously. Frame it as something you want to do for her, not to protect her kids from her. Ease into it. Say: “I know the handoffs with Ryan are rough—I know how badly he hurt you [or whatever the situation was/is], and I know how angry you are (I would be too!). I’ve seen how heated things can get between the two of you when you’re forced to be in each other’s company, and how upsetting that is for you and the kids. I’m wondering if it might be helpful to you and to them if, at least for a while, you let me take over the handoffs? It would spare you a lot of grief, which I would love to be able to do for you. And you know how much I love my nephews and how thrilled I’d be to get extra time with them—even if it’s just a matter of hours or minutes! What do you say?” I hope she says yes. If she doesn’t—if she bridles and says, “I can handle passing off my kids to my ex and getting them back from him,” and treats your offer as an insult or a criticism—back off immediately. Say, “OK. If you ever decide you’d like me to do it, just let me know—it’s a standing offer.” That’s all you can do, I’m afraid. That, and being on hand to comfort and soothe your nephews when they’re distressed. It sounds like they could really use a reliable, calm, and loving extra adult in their life. (I mean, who couldn’t?) —Michelle More Advice From Slate My brother, “Steve,” is a very practical man. He’s a good father but he’s not very sentimental and I would never expect him to do things like Elf on the Shelf hijinks or sprinkling fairy dust when the tooth fairy comes. However, I wasn’t prepared for just how practical he is and how it would affect my own parenting. He has the oldest child in our family, 9-year-old “Levi.” My oldest is 6. We saw Levi a few months ago after he’d just lost a tooth. I asked him if the tooth fairy came and he told me that his dad says no fairies or any other magical creatures are allowed in the house. Advice Family Kids Parenting