‘I was always the one with hordes of friends, so I don’t how to handle this loneliness’

QuestionI feel so disappointed in life – as this should be the time of my life that I am enjoying the most. I finished my post-grad more than four years ago now, and finally I am in a job that is fulfilling. But I work remotely – the company is an international one, so time zones vary, and those of us in Ireland only get together about once every couple of months.Many of my friends are moving away to spend a year or two working or travelling abroad, and those that are left are settling down and having babies. I am feeling very disconnected and disillusioned, as there is literally no one I can call to go for a coffee or a moan with on a Saturday.I was always the one with hordes of friends and too much social life, so I don’t how to handle this loneliness. I think other people assume that I don’t need them and am probably too busy to reach out to. But, actually, I have no energy for the effort it takes to make new friends. Of course, I would like to have a partner or at least someone to feel attractive around, but the idea of going online and dating is just something I am unable to contemplate at the moment – I’ve been bruised in the past and feel that you have to be on top of your game to even considering participating.Spending days and nights on my own is taking its toll and I know that my confidence is seeping away. What do I do?READ MOREAnswerEverything is telling you that something needs to change – your lack of energy, your loss of confidence and your increasing loneliness. If your life continues as is, then it is likely that the slide will continue, and you will find even less capacity to get the life you need.You say you are naturally a people person and in fact may get your energy from engaging with social events and having lots of friends around you. You need to take yourself out of the isolation you are in and prioritise what you know is needed to make your life fulfilled. Can you remember a time when you felt expansive and connected, and can you identify the context: the physical, emotional and mental conditions of that time? These conditions need to be reinstated in your life now.It is great that your job is fulfilling, but perhaps you are too young to be working fully remotely – this might be ideal when your external life is teaming with other demands, but as you say, spending days and nights alone is not good for you. Changing job to one where working in-person is the norm might offer you connections with like-minded people and give you a sense of belonging that is currently missing. If this is not an option for you, then getting involved in something outside of work that has meaning for you is essential. [ ‘My future looks empty and lonely ... I should have invested more in friends, but it feels too late now’Opens in new window ]A way of approaching such involvement is to think back to what you loved to do when you were 16 or 17. What were your interests, and who did you admire? The answers are likely to lead you to some understanding of what feeds your soul: this might be music, sport, politics, drama, focusing on friends’ relationship problems, etc. The characteristics of the person(s) you admired are also likely to be informative, as these are characteristics you need in your life. If they are not available at work, then you need to find a place that nourishes these characteristics so that you can thrive. Getting out of your house (where you work and live) is essential, so create a routine where you leave early in the morning and perhaps go for a coffeeIt might be very hard to instigate change on your own, as you are feeling bereft now that your friends are heading away or are otherwise engaged. But this is what friendship is for, offering you individuals you can lean on in times of difficulty, so you must pluck up your courage and tell a few of them what is happening. You say it is likely that your friends would assume that you barely have time as you have had such a busy social life in the past – so you may need to emphasise and re-emphasise that you are struggling and need help.Your friends will connect you to other people that they think you’ll get on with, and if you can trust them enough and turn up for anything with these people, you will find that you are on a gradual road to feeling like your old self. Confidence is the single most attractive aspect of a person, so as you begin to feel more faith in yourself, you will also find that your interest in, and your attraction to, potential partners will increase. Getting out of your house (where you work and live) is essential, so create a routine where you leave early in the morning and perhaps go for a coffee. Go out again at lunch and pay to do something after work (this means that you might turn up for it). That might be a class, club, event, etc. If that does not do the trick, you might try some volunteering. All of these will focus your mind and heart outwards. You will find your judgment and discernment will improve so that the life decisions you make are right for you.[ ‘I appear to have it all but I’m lonely and isolated and can’t find love’Opens in new window ]We know that loneliness has become a serious issue in our world, and as each of us tackles it, we increase the possibility of connection and belonging, for ourselves and others. In doing so, we make a huge contribution to the wellbeing of all.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com