I was addicted to optimising my life, but it didn't make me happier

How often do you tell yourself, "I'll finally be happy when …?" In my twenties, that phrase occupied my mind most days.I was never overly happy or excited. I wanted to stay in bed more days than I wanted to get up, and I always had this idea in my mind that the more I suffer now, the better life will be in the future.I turned 30 last month, and I feel like that future has arrived.But after spending most of the past decade offsetting my happiness and optimising my life for future Jack to enjoy, I have found it almost impossible to slow down and enjoy what I worked so hard to build.I was hooked on the idea of optimisingI was heavily into self-improvement in my early twenties.I'd watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts, and skim popular self-help books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People.Jack was focused on setting himself up for the future. (Supplied: Jack Waters)I'd then spend the next few days making awkward eye contact with people in the elevator as I desperately tried to remember their names.I was hooked by the idea that my lack of happiness and fulfilment in the present moment could be fixed if I just got better and optimised my life.Optimised what exactly?Every single habit or hobby that I chose to bring into my life had one goal — to set future Jack up.I stopped spending money on things I enjoyed and instead saved and invested basically every dollar I earned.Jack was laser focused on making progress in all areas of his life. (Supplied: Jack Waters)I became obsessed with trying to build muscle, force-feeding myself most nights to gain a few extra kilos so I could finally be happy with the way I looked.I even kept a little habit tracker that I'd tick off every night before bed, with all the habits and self-improvement "hacks" that promised to turn me into the person I wanted to become.I would've had about 20+ habits rotate through this little book of mine at one time or another, everything from meditation and journalling to cold showers and my hopeless attempts to learn French for the seventh time.Looking back, this habit tracker epitomised my mindset at the time.I would rush through whatever book I was reading, sit awkwardly in my meditation mentally counting down the timer, and journal a few empty sentences just so I could colour in the boxes on my habit tracker and convince myself that I was making more progress in my life than I actually was.But in some ways, I was making progressSaving money and buying almost nothing started to give me financial security and the comfort of knowing I could say no to opportunities I didn't want.Going to the gym made me healthier and much more confident, even though I simultaneously began to hate food.And although I was rushing through the rest of the habits just to make myself feel good about doing them, I was building discipline by sticking to them day in and day out.But at the same time, I was building an unhealthy mindset.The problem with the 'next thing'It turns out, when I spent all my time living in the future, it became really hard to enjoy what I already had.I didn't realise it at the time, but I was training myself to always think about what came next.I was building good habits and achieving my goals, but at the same time I was developing a mindset that was never going to let me enjoy any of it.And the scariest thing of all? Deep down, I knew I was doing this.I knew I was pushing this much bigger problem into the future, but I think a part of me expected that future Jack guy to be able to deal with it better.Turning 30 has been an awakening of sorts, and a realisation that if I continue on the relentless path of self-optimisation, I'm going to go through life without being present for most of it.So for this new decade, I have a new goalI want to become genuinely comfortable indulging in hobbies or activities that are solely for present-day Jack.Jack has shifted his focus to enjoying the present. (Supplied: Jack Waters)I don't want to '"set myself up" anymore or sacrifice my present moment for a future that won't meet my ridiculously high expectations.It's been proven to me over and over again that the next improvement, the "next thing", is almost always better in my head than it is in reality.Jack Waters is a writer and former journalist who lives on Queensland's Sunshine Coast/Kabi Kabi country.