I Want to Do What A Lot of Couples Do on Vacation. But I Can’t Get Past My Mental Hurdle.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Deagreez/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I’ve been traveling in groups a lot lately, with friends and occasionally family members. My girlfriend and I always sleep in a private room, and conceptually we should be able to have sex. But I have this mental block that I feel I can’t get over. The idea that other people I know are around, even though we’re in a private room, really gets to me. How do I get over this? —I’m Trying Here (he/him) Dear I’m Trying Here, Why does knowing that friends or family are nearby bother you? The answer to that question is the key to understanding how you can work past that block and get a sense of which contexts that block might be helping you. If you make uncontrollable, unmistakable, and clearly audible sounds at orgasm, and one or more of the family members in question would be deeply upset at the idea of you and your partner having sex outside of marriage, it might not be worth having sex on the trips where they’re included. Among friends, there’s almost certainly a lot more room for being relaxed about these subjects. Some questions to consider: What makes being near friends different from being near strangers? Are you concerned about being overheard, and what amount of mitigating that risk might be sufficient? What were you told about sexual pleasure and the contexts in which it’s appropriate while growing up? And how comfortable are you with people of varying degrees of social proximity knowing that you are a person who has sex? The possible ways of moving through this depend on what exactly bothers you about being overheard. Your girlfriend might be a supportive person to talk this out with, and you might find that half an hour of really thinking about what’s holding you back leads you to a belief you vehemently disagree with, and spelling all of that out melts the mental block. Maybe it’s more complicated, in which case that understanding can help you choose a coach or therapist with experience in the specific reasons you’re getting stuck. Here’s hoping it’s an easy, short chat with your partner, and, if not, there are oodles of trained professionals out there who can support you. —Jessica More Advice From Slate I’m kinky, and kind of switchy—I prefer submission but am decent as a domme and tend to default to it if I don’t feel that comfortable or relaxed enough with a partner. It’s sometimes fun, but often a sign that I actually need to be not having sex with whoever it is, either until I’m more comfortable or sometimes at all. I default to it to feel like I’m giving someone the sex they want but still in control when I could just be saying no to sex altogether… Advice Sex