I Visited My Friend Out of Town. After What I Saw, I Don’t Know If I Can Stay at Her House Again.

Dear Prudence This is disrespectful. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 02, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Moon Safari /iStock/Getty Images Plus and AnnDoronina /iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I recently went several hours out of my way to visit a friend for a few days. This friend has always struggled with cleaning, but when I got to her house, it was a wreck. Not just messy, but filthy, like layers of grime on every surface, and so dusty and covered in pet hair that I got sick from being there. I know some of her struggle with cleaning relates to mental health. I want to bring it up because I’m worried and because it was so bad that I got sick, but is there even a tactful way to do that? I don’t want to upset her, but I also want her to respect me (and my terrible pet allergies) enough to at least vacuum. —Still Sneezing Dear Still Sneezing, There’s a narrow part of your friend having a filthy home that is your business, and it’s that you get to protect your health by not returning to sleep at a place that made you sick. Separate that from your larger worry about her housekeeping (I’m sure you won’t be providing her with any information she doesn’t already have if you were to bring that up) or “respect” (which I think we both know is not the issue here—you say yourself she struggles with her mental health). The way to do this that keeps you focused on your own (very fair) needs and not a lifestyle intervention is to wait until she invites you back. At that point you can say, “I would love to, but last time I visited, my allergies acted up and made me miserable. I really can’t stay anywhere with pets unless the hair is completely removed, which I know is a huge task. Why don’t you come to me, or we can meet up somewhere in the middle?” To be fair, if you have terrible pet allergies, even a relatively clean home with a tiny bit of loose fur probably wouldn’t have been a fit for you. You could probably only stay in the home of a pet owner who vacuumed and wiped surfaces almost constantly. It’s not worth pushing someone who already struggles with cleaning to meet a standard that’s far out of reach for her. Classic Prudie I’m a man in my mid-30s with a beautiful wife. We’ve been married for 15 years and had a great kid very early on in our relationship. We both have great careers, nice friends, a very kinky and active sex life. Others generally look at us with admiration and envy. My problem is that I became a serial cheater around eight years ago. Advice Dear Prudence Friendship