I Think My Boyfriend Is Secretly Using His Issue Downstairs Against Me. Let Me Explain.

How to Do It Is this possible? Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by yuriyzhuravov/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I’m a 26-year-old woman dating a 28-year-old man. A few weeks ago, I had my waist-length, naturally dirty-blonde hair cut to a layered bob and dyed what I think is a beautiful silvery gray. I didn’t discuss it with my boyfriend ahead of time because I was set on it and knew he’d just be against it. His reaction was about what I expected, but he got over it after a few days, or so I thought. But every single time we’ve tried to be intimate since then, he’s suffered erectile dysfunction. Nothing I can do with my mouth or hands helps. He blames my hairstyle, but is this really possible? Or is he just trying to convince me to dye it another color and grow it back out? —Grays Under Fire Dear Grays Under Fire, The idea that your late-20s boyfriend might successfully feign erectile dysfunction for multiple weeks in order to pressure you to change your hairstyle seems fairly implausible. However, it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility—he could have exceptional control over blood flow to his penis, or a strong ability to direct his thoughts away from eroticism and attraction well enough to keep his penis soft. More likely, though, is that there’s something about your new hair color and cut that is genuinely turning him off, and could be reminding him of some particular experience that completely interrupts arousal. Maybe he’s got a sexual interest in long hair, or blonde hair, that is strong enough to be a requirement, but if that’s the case, I’m left wondering why he hasn’t spoken up about it. Lastly, there could be something else (work stress, family stress, health factors) that is the actual cause, despite the bizarrely coincidental timing. Mostly, I’m curious why him manipulating you through a performance of erectile dysfunction is a possibility that occurred to you. If your dude has a history of shenanigans along those lines, break up and move on with urgency. Otherwise, think about where this suspicion is coming from, work through that, and sit down with your boyfriend for a serious talk about what’s going on in your sex life. If the two of you are able to have productive conversations, there’s a great chance you’ll be able to work through this moment, whatever the cause, and come out stronger for it. —Jessica More Advice From Slate My husband and I have been married for more than 25 years and have had what I consider a great marriage overall. Couple of kids, couple of cats, house, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. And that (nothing out of the ordinary) largely describes our sex life too. It’s been kind and loving, but not particularly kinky, or even outside of oral and vaginal sex. My husband also is not particularly well-endowed. He’s not unusually small either, but of the few sex partners I’ve had over my life, he’s on the smaller end. There’s really only a few positions that “work” for us… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex