I Think I Might Be in a Polyamorous Marriage. I Had No Idea.

Dear Prudence Prudie chats with Lizzie O’Leary, host of What Next: TBD, about a three-month union already on the rocks. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Inside Creative House/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here. Dear Prudence, I’m a recent newlywed who is considering ending my marriage after fewer than three months. This is because of my husband’s relationship with his ex-girlfriend. To be clear, I’ve never suspected there is anything romantic or sexual between them. They’ve both readily admitted that those feelings died out years before they even broke up (which was half a decade before he and I even met). At first, I found their friendship a green flag. It felt very evolved and beautiful that they remained close, but as time went on, I discovered the extent to which they were enmeshed logistically (sharing each other’s locations, keeping her on his Erewhon cafe membership and all his streaming services, keeping a storage unit with their possessions co-mingled) and emotionally (she would call him screaming because he forgot to text her back). While appearing to be nice to me, she would also be competitive with me and seemed to lack any boundaries with him. Before he and I moved in together, I once found a pair of her underwear in his washing machine and he explained she probably just left it there and it was inconsiderate but not malicious. Frankly, if they’d been having sex, I would have understood it more (we are ethnically non-monogamous), but it feels like I got bamboozled into a polycule to which I didn’t consent. It’s like they decided to create a family together and I was an interloper in my own relationship. It also feels very triggering because it resembles my family of origin. My mother was volatile and competitive with me and didn’t manage her emotions, and my father was incredibly kind and adoring to me but enabled her. About a year ago, we started couples therapy when I almost broke up with him because I couldn’t take it anymore. He took her off his memberships and stopped sharing locations and agreed to only see her once every couple of weeks and to never let her into our home. He also agreed to not invite her to our wedding. It seemed like he was prioritizing our relationship. But on our honeymoon, he told me that she’d started a company and asked him to be a consultant. He asked me how I would feel about it and I reluctantly agreed because he was recently laid off from his job, and it felt like it was a good opportunity. Well, he somehow went from being a consultant to a co-founder and they’ve been spending a lot more time together for the business on top of their bi-weekly friendship hangouts. We’ve had lots of arguments about it and he can go as far as saying he’ll take a break from the friendship for six months or stop working for her, but he can’t commit to just cutting her out of his life for the sake of our marriage. He’s a kind, intelligent, sensitive man, but he is so obtuse when it comes to this. It makes me distrust his judgment and his ability to protect me and our marriage. Is it time to call it quits? — Fed Up With the Friendship Jenée Desmond-Harris: I mean, who among us hasn’t left underwear in someone else’s washing machine by mistake? I’m trying to get my head around the idea that this letter writer really believes they aren’t having sex (I don’t share that belief) but if they were, it would be OK. So I guess the real issue, as far as she sees it, is that Friend is just playing too big a role in Husband’s life.And, well, she put it well in the last line: She’s lost trust in him. Lizzie O’Leary: Remember that meme with the octopus running across the ocean floor and it says nope nope nope? LW has got to nopetopus out of this situation. There is nothing here. This is some bananas emotional jiujitsu by everyone involved. If these people are even real (Erewhon cafe membership???). LW, get out. Jenée: OK I checked and the membership is a real thing. It’s $100 a year and the main benefit seems to be a free half-sized smoothie once in a while? Which makes about as much sense as this relationship. It feels unfair that people like the LW who sincerely want to be “evolved,” are open-minded, are committed to communicating to work things out, and are super self-reflective can really get into bad situations in relationships. Because people like the husband here take advantage of that. LW, you do not have to do any analysis about your family of origin to understand why this situation bothers you. It bothers you because your husband is not keeping his word and admittedly making this woman a higher priority than you. In a relationship in which he already has a ton of flexibility to do what he wants! You gotta get out and block him on social media before you see the announcement of their (short-lived, I’m sure) marriage. Lizzie: Yeah, I think honestly the saving grace here (and I know this is all incredibly painful), is that you have been married only a few months. You don’t have kids, you don’t have lives that have been enmeshed for a decade. I think there is truly nothing to do but unravel this fast (maybe you can even get an annulment?), and move on. This guy sounds like he doesn’t have any boundaries whatsoever, and the LW is going to need to make some hard and fast ones and stick to them. This person will suck the life out of you otherwise. Jenée: Yeah, I think the longer you stay in a relationship like this, the more it takes a toll on you and leads you to settle for less than you deserve in the next relationship. I agree that it’s great that it’s only been a short time and that her finances aren’t yet totally tied up with her husband’s and the friend’s new company, which I feel strongly is some ridiculous Instagram-based coaching business that will fail. LW, the next time you’re early in a relationship and you are seeing “green flags” that are tied to things you don’t like, ask your bitchiest, least tolerant friend for their assessment before you move forward. Because you are left to your own devices, you are a little too understanding for your own good—although the fact that you’ve gotten close to deciding to end this is a great sign that that’s changing. Lizzie: I am always available if you need a bitchy, intolerant friend! I am 50, I have zero patience for nonsense these days. Jenée: Oh, we know!! 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