I Surprised My Wife With a Romantic Weekend Away. Her Reaction Is Absolutely Baffling.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My wife, “Carly,” is furious with me, and all because I tried to surprise her with a romantic gesture. On Friday, I dropped our two kids, ages 3 and 6, off at my parents’ for what I told her was the evening so we could have dinner out. In reality I had booked us two plane tickets and a hotel reservation so we could go to wine country for the weekend (I cleared it with my parents first). Instead of being thrilled, Carly was furious. She made us bail on the reservations, pick up the kids, and then made me sleep in the guest room. I truly don’t get why she’s so pissed off. Carly has been complaining for weeks about how stressed she is , and I thought a weekend without the kids would be the perfect way for her to recharge. Was I really so wrong for trying to do something nice for her? —Napa Got Nixed Dear Nixed, It sounds like you need to talk to your wife more often if you thought she’d enjoy something like a spontaneous surprise trip. Have you two travelled without the kids yet? Is she comfortable being away from the little ones? Did she have something planned for them for the weekend? Had your parents ever watched the kids for that long? Your heart may have been in the right place, but even an elaborate gesture can be received poorly if it was not truly developed with the recipient in mind. I wonder if what she’s actually complaining about is a lack of consideration on your part, and not just for this one incident. Time away doesn’t always ease stress. In fact, even a brief trip can leave you even more stressed than before as things pile up in your absence. Ask your wife what she needs to feel less worn out and ask her how you can help her. Then do what she says. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, Several years ago, my daughter was inappropriately touched by her cousin at my mother-in-law’s house during a cousin sleepaway visit. Everything since has been handled as well as we can hope. My daughter has worked through it in counseling. My nephew owned his actions, apologized via letter, and has been going to therapy as well (we stopped short of pressing charges, which would have been a horrific ordeal for everyone). The cousin’s family moved several states away for a fresh start, but they still visit periodically. Holidays are very tough to navigate because all three of my kids have great relationship swith the other two kids in that family. Thanksgiving is coming up: my wife and I don’t know how to navigate being around their family, or asking them to keep their son away from Thanksgiving. He is in high school, and while I don’t ever want to see him again, I just don’t know how long we can (or should) avoid all contact. What is reasonable here? How should we approach this with my in-laws and my brother-in-law’s family? —Forgiving But Not Forgetting Dear Not Forgetting, I wish I had a little more info, including the ages of these kids when the incident happened. But the fact that you mention that pressing charges was a possibility and that your nephew is in high school now suggests to me that what took place is the sort of event which would make eliminating this kid from your daughter’s life an appropriate response. So then this is simple: Keep her away from him at all costs. If that means either your household or his has to miss a family gathering, then so be it. It would be fair for his folks to keep their family home, but they may not feel that way, necessarily. In that case, you should skip the family gathering. I am not saying this young man has to be cast out of society. If he has truly learned the gravity of his actions and atoned, great! But that doesn’t mean he is entitled to share space with someone he victimized, and forcing your daughter to see him would send the message that his place in the family is more important than her own. Do not let your family guilt you about this. Boys’ actions towards girls are often just treated as part of their character development, with the girls as collateral damage along the way. The fact that your nephew had therapy is great, but that does not mean he may no longer face consequences for what he did. —Jamilah Classic Prudie My partner and I are having a sudden wedding. There’s no pregnancy or otherwise forced factor in this—it’s a choice we’re making for each other, and we’re very pleased with it. The problem is my in-laws. My parents and I developed strong boundaries as I transitioned to adulthood, but my partner and her parents did not. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids