I Suggested My Spouse and I Separate Our Finances. I Don’t Like What I’m Being Accused of.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by ifeelstock/Adobe Stock. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My partner and I have been married for almost 20 years. We both are very fortunate to work in our chosen fields and have a high standard of living. My income is approximately four times theirs. Until now, we simply had a joint account. I recently proposed opening separate bank accounts. I suggested it in order to give us more accountability over our personal spending, and also as a way of finding a bit more personal space. I still want to maintain the joint account for the majority of our income and spending, but I think a small amount set aside would help both of us prioritize and make more responsible financial decisions. On the flip side, I would feel less guilty about the occasional impulse buy or frivolous expense if it came out of “my own money.” My spouse reacted very negatively and is sure this is a way for me to hide things from them. Is this a good idea? Are there other considerations I should be aware of? Do many married couples maintain separate accounts? —Tragedy of the Commons Dear Tragedy of the Commons, Money can trigger a lot of emotions, so I can see how this conversation took a wrong turn. I strongly believe everyone should have their own accounts alongside any joint ones. Domestic violence can affect anyone and it’s important that everyone has the financial means to flee a dangerous situation. But, I’m wondering how you broached the subject. Did you imply that your partner spends too much money and this will help them cut back? How would you feel if this were suggested to you? Especially if you made a fourth of what your partner did? You, too, might wonder if they were keeping something secret from you, like a gambling problem. You also mentioned that you feel guilty about your impulse spending, so I’m wondering if you want a separate account to hide your own issues with budgeting. There’s also the chance that you approached this conversation in a perfectly reasonable manner and your partner just has their own financial and relationship trauma to work through. I would express to your partner why you feel it’s important that you both have separate accounts, especially when it comes to holding yourself accountable for your own financial decisions. Then open your account. They’re also allowed to open their own account and portion their paycheck however they see fit. I’m sure once you show your partner that your current lifestyle and actions haven’t changed, they’ll come around. If not, then there might be some bigger trust issues at play. Good luck. —Athena Valentine From: I Thought Gifting Cars Was a Myth. Then I Met My Boyfriend’s Family. (Dec. 17th, 2022). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I’ve been helping a family member sort through some big issues (substance abuse, etc.). He makes good money but wastes most of it—he lives paycheck to paycheck and hasn’t set aside anything for retirement, emergency savings, or basically anything else. Worse, in one of our recent conversations, he mentioned that he hasn’t paid any taxes in about a decade. Do you have any advice for how he can get caught up on what I’m guessing is a boatload of back taxes, plus penalties? I’m assuming step one is to make sure he has all his W-2s for those years (he says he has these), and then … what? Contact the IRS directly and throw himself at their mercy? Is there a limit on how far back he’ll have to pay? Should he do this through an accountant or try to work with the IRS directly? Also, he currently lives in a no–income tax state, but he’s lived in other places that do have a state income tax, so I’m assuming he’ll need to sort through those back taxes as well (right?). —Not My Mess, but I’m Helping Dear Not My Mess, The IRS gets a bad rap, but they’re very easy to work with and staffed by a lot of very friendly people, who understand that a lot of callers who need to be communicating with them are also terrified of them. Your family member probably has a lot of anxiety about this is and is reluctant to deal with it, but you should assure them that the IRS has every incentive to work with him on a plan to get caught up on his taxes. They’re not going to yell at him about financial irresponsibility; they’re going to help him figure it out. Step one is, yes, to gather whatever documentation he has of his income over the last decade. If he’s missing anything, he can request his transcripts directly from the IRS for free, and they’ll send him documentation of what’s been reported. Depending on how complicated his taxes are, he may be able to do all of this himself, but if fear is the primary reason he’s putting off dealing with it, it’s probably worth hiring an accountant to make sure it’s all done correctly—and to get a little supportive hand-holding for both of you. Even very basic filing rules are sometimes hard for people to understand because we have a very convoluted tax code that’s even hard for professionals to navigate sometimes. If your family member is employed, they’ll assess what he owes and work with him on a repayment plan, likely based on whatever his current income is. If he’s still reluctant to get started, emphasize to him how much better he’ll feel when he doesn’t have to worry about this on top of the other issues he’s dealing with. —Elizabeth Spiers From: My Relative Made A Catastrophic Financial Decision. Is He Beyond Help? (January 7th, 2022). Dear Pay Dirt, My girlfriend and I are moving in together this year when she buys her first home. We’re very excited, but obviously, this milestone comes with a lot of conversations about how to combine our finances. The biggest question is about the (still hypothetical) house. My girlfriend makes considerably more than I do, and I don’t have the savings to make a significant contribution to the down payment. (I do have more than enough for emergencies, etc. I’m generally in good financial health, just not in a position to purchase a home in my region.) She’s looking for homes in a price range that would allow her to make mortgage payments by herself. However, in practice I will of course contribute to monthly mortgage payments, probably an amount equivalent to my current rent payments and/or proportionate to our respective incomes. Neither of us is comfortable with the idea of my simply being her tenant. We want my payments to go toward a proportionate ownership stake in the home. Though we’re confident that we’ll be together for the long haul, we also want to minimize the potential for painful financial conflict in the case of a breakup and to lock ourselves into treating each other fairly and kindly. If we were to break up, I would want her to be able to stay in the home or sell it as she sees fit. (I don’t think I would be spiteful enough to force a sale, but I’d like to take that option away from my future self!) What are the different approaches we could take to structuring this financially and legally? What considerations should we keep in mind for different scenarios, like if the home has increased or decreased in value? —Nesting Without a Nest Egg Dear Nesting Without a Nest Egg, You’re right to be thinking about all the details. Homeownership is a lot to navigate, especially if you’re splitting the mortgage payment to allow for joint ownership. While it may seem like a great idea to protect your partner against a future, spiteful you, it’s also important to look out for your best interest. If the house triples in value and you’re part of a nasty breakup, you will not want to be screwed out of your investment. Because that’s how you need to be looking at this: as an investment. She’s protecting her investment by ensuring she can afford the monthly payments with or without you, so do the same. You need to consult a real estate attorney because laws vary from state to state. But a cohabitation agreement is one thing to start considering. This is a legal document that protects you both in case a breakup should happen. You can draw up several terms in this type of agreement, like your intent to contribute payments to the mortgage in exchange for equity in the home, the type of ownership on the deed and title, and what happens to the home if there is a breakup or you choose to sell. Before you can fill that out, though, you’ll need to figure out how you will draw up ownership of the home. Two things to keep in mind: the title and the deed. A title is a claim to rights related to the property you’ll be buying, including the right to own it. A deed is the actual document detailing who owns the property. There are a few common ways to handle the title like sole ownership, joint tenancy, and tenancy in common. If your girlfriend goes ahead with sole ownership, only she would be on both the deed and title, which means you legally have no ownership. Joint tenancy allows two or more people to own the property and share equal rights and obligations. This also means that you’ll automatically get ownership of your partner’s share of the property should they die. Tenancy in common allows you both to have rights to the property but can be divided into different shares. For example, let’s say you, for some reason, gave her $3,000 toward a home that costs $100,000. You can divide your ownership on the title to where she owns 97 percent, while you only owe 3 percent. A tenancy in the common title also lacks the ability to automatically transfer the ownership to the other person should the other pass away. Instead, it transfers to whoever they outlined as the recipients in their will. Again, to truly protect yourself, see a real estate attorney who can help you figure out how to divide ownership and ensure you’re both protected, so worst case scenario, your real estate dilemma will be the last thing you’ll be dealing with if a breakup should happen. —A.V. From: My Girlfriend And I Are Moving In Together. I Want To Protect Us From My Future, Spiteful Self. (December 8th, 2022). More Money Advice From Slate Can you give suggestions on things I can say to shut down and/or redirect conversations with my in-laws when they talk about their past growing up/raising kids poor and look down upon those receiving services as “just not working hard enough?” This is especially difficult for me because I did grow up in poverty (although still in a much better situation than many) and received many of those services. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. 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