‘I still get panic attacks’: Nikita Hand on impact of Conor McGregor trial

Nikita Hand said she is still dealing with the impact of being sexually assaulted by Conor McGregor in 2018 and the subsequent court case.“I still live with the trauma of what happened to me ... You do lose a huge part of yourself when something so traumatic happens to you – after being raped, sexual assaulted – it takes a lot away from you.”In November 2024, the High Court jury found McGregor had assaulted Hand in the Beacon hotel, Dublin, in December 2018. She was awarded €250,000 in damages. McGregor appealed the decision but the Court of Appeal dismissed his case in July 2025.Hand, who just welcomed her second daughter, said she still gets panic attacks that “could last for hours”, but she is now better equipped to deal with them.READ MORESpeaking on the Brendan O’Connor show on RTÉ Radio 1, Hand said: “I still have panic attacks to this day. I still live with anxiety.“It feels like the room’s closing in on me. I’m completely shaking from my head down. I can’t breathe, you know, sometimes I can’t lift my head ... If somebody’s not around me when I’m in a severe panic attack, I feel like I’m dying.”After the assault, Hand said her “mental health deteriorated” and she turned to alcohol to “numb” the pain.“I was in a very, very dark place, so I turned to alcohol for a coping mechanism, and I was drinking every single night. I was so afraid ... I was terrified in my own home.”After the verdict in November 2024, it emerged that Hand had to move from her home after a group of men in balaclavas broke into her house and stabbed her partner the previous June.Hand said the threats and intense scrutiny she faced during and after the court case had a huge impact on her and her family.“I still, to this day, get DMs threatening me, body-shaming me, slagging how I look ... But, I could get 10 hate DMs, and I could get 100 beautiful messages ... so I have to look at the positive rather than the negative.”She said, at various points during the court case, she regretted coming forward.“Nearly every day sitting in that chair, I regretted it ... It was horrendous ... I was very frightened.”Despite the fear, she said she knew she had to go through with the case for her daughter, Freya, who was 13 at the time.“She was brilliant ... she knew her mummy was doing something, she was standing up for herself. And I wanted my daughter to see that.”Hand said she wanted all “girls and young boys to grow up in a world where ... if anything happens to them, they’re able to speak out”. The mother of two said it is as though she is two different women – the one before the attack and the one after.“Nikita, before that night, had so much confidence ... She loved her body, she loved dressing up, how she looked. And after that night, I lost a big, huge part of my life.”Hand said she still had to “learn how to love the new Nikita now ... I’m not quite there yet, but I know I will get there”.She has written a book, Not The Perfect Victim: My Fight for Survival, Truth and Justice, about her experiences. She said she chose the title because “you don’t have to be the perfect victim, none of us are”. “None of us humans are perfect. We’ve all made bad decisions ... To any victim out there, no matter what your story is, please reach out ... you will be believed.”She said she hopes the book, which will be released on Tuesday, will “educate people on consent”. Hand said the support she has received from her “amazing” partner Gary Foy, her family and the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre has helped her get through the trauma of recent years, but that healing is a work in progress.“It still doesn’t take away what happened, you know. We still live with this PTSD. We still live with the anxiety. But I am better, and I am getting there.”Hand gave birth to her second daughter, Alba – which means new beginning – three months ago.“I’m very lucky. I have two beautiful girls now ... They keep me going, so I’m happy.”The Dublin Rape Crisis Centre can be contacted via its national 24-hour helpline on 1800 77 88 88 and its website.