I Started My Secret Sex Journal for a Specific Reason. I Don’t Think My Wife Will Understand.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Povozniuk/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear How to Do It, My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Like many couples, our libidos do not match up. I would like to connect three times a week, and I think she would prefer to connect two to three times a month. We meet somewhere in the middle and average about once a week. Some months are more frequent (six times), and others are not (three times). I know that I get grumpy and insecure when we connect less frequently, and so I started to look for ways to process our love life. Last March, I started keeping a sex journal. Nothing too descriptive, just the date, time of day, circumstances, positions, and who had an orgasm. It has served as a way to reflect, process, and enjoy our connections. At my grumpiest/most insecure, I could convince myself that we “never” have sex and spiral into all the reasons why, and my journal has been a fact checker of sorts. It has kept me honest and also very aware of where we are and what our sex life actually looks like. It has also revealed some patterns that frustrate me about my wife. My question is: Do I share my journaling with my wife? I feel guilty that I have these “data points” and notes that directly involve her and she doesn’t know. I think I have kept it from her because I am concerned that she will be upset and frustrated that I am “keeping score” or that I will use my journal to “prove a point.” I have had to bite my tongue a few times when we’ve talked about our sex life and she says something that I know is not true, mostly related to frequency, but I recognize that I have put myself in this position, so I would never correct her. But what if “knowledge is power,” and by sharing our sex life gets better? (I know “better” does not necessarily mean “more frequently”!) Do I share because I care? If so, how do I do it? —Dear Diary Dear DD, I think logs can be wonderful. Like you describe, they can help spot patterns and help us manage our perceptions. For people with more than one sexual partner in a given period of time, they can help us remember everyone we need to contact in the event of a positive sexually transmittable infection test. I can imagine the subject of any regular record like this having a negative reaction to some degree, regardless of format, but I can also imagine someone happy with what you’ve done. But after 20 years of marriage, I imagine you’ve got a pretty good handle on how your wife will react to knowledge of your sex log. If there’s a history of you actually keeping score, it’ll be that much more of a sore spot. And the same goes for proving a point. Any time you find yourself biting your tongue on something that involves your partner, with your partner, airing the issue is worth strong consideration. Think about the possible risks—would your sex life suffer? would she lose trust in you, or even leave?—and how likely they are. Also consider the possibility of her finding out later on, accidentally or intentionally on your part, and whether that might intensify her reaction. I think the best course of action is to tell her soon. But think it through yourself—you know her. If the situation isn’t that fraught, you can probably simply explain that you’ve started a sexual memory book and have noticed that it’s useful when you get down about the frequency of sex the two of you are having. I’d start with the way that this log has helped you keep your senses around your partnered sex. Another aspect to talk about early is how it helps you reflect on and enjoy your interactions. From there, you can feel out whether she’s open to taking a look at it and using it as a source of data. You’ll also want to listen for signs that she isn’t OK with you keeping such detailed notes, which can be anything from a very direct “I’m not OK with this” to more subtle signs of discomfort like fidgeting or leaning away. I don’t know what her specific body language tells are, but I’m hoping that you do after two decades. If there is a history of you trying to logic her libido into existence, or worse, outright coercion, you’re risking running into a sore spot with your log. You’ll want to approach with more caution—paying special attention to whether she’s already stressed about other stuff or uncomfortable—and leave more time to deal with potential fallout. I get a sense that you’re hoping to control the situation. Remember that life is unpredictable. Your wife is probably going to feel some confusion, surprise, or other somewhat uncomfortable emotions. She may be more intensely upset. You can absolutely spend some time thinking through likely reactions and how you want to respond in each case. Engage your active listening, give her time to process what you’re saying and respond, and good luck. —Jessica Stoya From: I Keep a Secret Log of Everything My Wife Does During Sex. I’ve Noticed Some Patterns. (December 23rd, 2021). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, I am recently married to an otherwise wonderful man who has lots of sexual hang-ups. We only had sex once before we got married, and he insisted we get married if we were to continue a sexual relationship. I would have been happy to just live together (I escaped a disastrous young marriage a few years ago and had intended to never marry again), but I love him deeply and it took me quite some time to get him to have sex that first time. Now that we are married, he willingly and joyfully initiates sex, but is still a little uneasy when I initiate it. And he has strict and limited rules of what we can do. If I get on top, he will roll me over to be on the bottom. He fondles and kisses my breasts and sometimes caresses my vulva, but that is it, and he won’t let me touch his penis. When I went down on him once, he reacted in horror and wanted to know where I learned to do such a disgusting thing. That surprised me, and I was not tactful in saying I thought men like blow jobs, which just made him angry because he hates to think about my past sexual encounters. He was married for 20 years (he is considerably older than me) very happily until his wife died of cancer, and he never talks about what their sex life was like or any other past relationships. I think this is all part of his very strict religious upbringing which I don’t see changing, especially at his age. I do enjoy the sex we have together for the love and intimacy, but it is not as sexually satisfying as I have had with other partners, including my jerk of a first husband. Is there anything I can do to stimulate his interest in trying new things? Or anything I could suggest to enhance the spark with the few things we already do so I can get off with greater intensity and satisfaction? —The Puritan’s Wife Dear Puritan’s Wife, A few weeks ago, I received a question on overcoming purity culture indoctrination, which led me to reach out to Karen Richter, director of spiritual formation at the Shadow Rock United Church of Christ in Phoenix. Richter oversees Shadow Rock’s sex ed curricula, Our Whole Lives, and though OWL is considered to be a secular program, something that she said during our conversation I think is useful to mention here: “Sexuality is a gift from God.” I wonder if reframing sex along these lines might help your husband, whose religious upbringing I could sense before you mentioned it explicitly. The idea that oral sex is “disgusting” isn’t even specifically biblical, which is frustrating here because if it were, one could point to any number of the Bible’s teachings (like wearing blended fabrics being considered a sin) to dismiss the blatant fallacy. (Of course, whether he’d be open to such rationale is another matter.) I can’t imagine you getting much further without a frank discussion. Tell him that some things are important to you, he is your sole sexual outlet, and so he should hear you out. You can’t coerce or expect him to do anything he isn’t willing to do, but sometimes exposure to an idea can crack open a mind. Can he put into words what makes him so uncomfortable about oral sex or you being on top? Can you reassure him that you’d like to experience these things with him because you love him and want to intensify or vary your expression of love and lust for your husband? Is this an important enough issue to you to think through what it would be like to leave the relationship to pursue more satisfying sex, or even voice that consideration to him? I think it’s always reasonable to have a discussion about dissatisfaction, but you can’t really expect more than to be heard. You have to meet him where he’s at, and if it’s a very limited approach to sex, this is your life. Can you accept that? —Rich Juzwiak From: My Husband’s Weird Sex Rules Are Driving Me Crazy. (May 10th, 2021). Dear How to Do It, I am a man who is mostly straight. I want a long-term relationship with a woman. I can only see myself kissing a woman and waking up next to one. I can only see myself spending life with a woman. However, there is a part of me that I mostly have to keep suppressed. I am very masculine and mostly dominant in bed as a man, but I occasionally enjoy having sex with well-endowed men as a bottom and being very submissive in that situation. It is a need that is occasional, like two to three times a year, but it is a need that I am done trying to get rid of. All of the women in my life have either ignored it or tried to force me to get it counseled out of me. I want to meet a woman who can love me for all of me and who actually gets turned on by me. I would prefer that she is also bisexual, or leans in that direction. Any thoughts on how and where to meet a woman like that? —Biannual Bottom Dear Biannual Bottom, Congrats on your resolve to have no shame for your bi-/triannual stuffing. No really, that’s huge. (That’s what you said.) You may want to look into bisexual apps/sites like BiCupid (this isn’t an endorsement—as a nonbisexual I have no experience with it). Feeld is another one you might want to look into as it skews toward the polyamorous and ethically nonmonogamous. Otherwise, you’re just going to have to shop around. I find it horrifying that women in your past have suggested counseling regarding your completely fine sexuality. Good for you that you ignored them. The optimist in me hopes that they represented unlucky matches—I understand that bisexuality in men remains too often misunderstood and stigmatized by their would-be women partners, but I have to believe that the world is changing enough that these attitudes are becoming rarer. If all else fails, you could move to a coast and try out the dating scene there? —R.J. From: I Need a Particular Kind of Sex Just Twice a Year—but Women Can’t Seem to Stand It. (August 8th, 2021). More Sex Advice From Slate Several years ago, before she died, my mother made a stunning confession. In the course of another conversation, she revealed that my father—who had been happily married for 55+ years—had not had sex in more than 50 years. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Sex