I spent £200,000 on my son’s education. My other four children are in a state school

As of this year, private school pupils now make up 6.4 per cent of the total school population, a slightly lower proportion than last year‘s 6.5 per cent. The average cost of fees sits at £22,413 a year (£18,678 plus VAT), while full boarding schools average around £53,928 a year (£44,940 plus VAT). Sybilla Hart has a large family, and was only able to afford to send her eldest son to private school. Here she reflects on the decision.We have five children and only one of them, our eldest son, has ever set foot inside a private school. He attended a fee-paying school from the age of four until the age of 16, when he left and moved into the state system, getting a place at the local comprehensive sixth form where my daughter has been since the age of 11. There he had, in his words, “the best two years of my life”. None of my four other children, aged 16, 15, 11, and seven, have ever had paid education. Some have wondered if this was a mistake on my part in having five children, asking if I placed having a large family above the ability to privately educate them all. I always wanted lots of children and nothing was going to get in the way of that. But if having another baby meant no private school then I would have made that choice any day of the week. On her podcast, the comedian Katherine Ryan recently said that having a large family was “trashy”; that it was either for the super-elite or for those who are forced to rely on the state for support. She seems to have forgotten about families like mine; the ones smack-bang in the middle. Of course it costs a lot having a large family; Christmas costs around £2,000, and I won’t tell you what we spend on food per month – probably the same amount. All five of our children want to go to university; I don’t know how we will pay for it. While having a large family is not limited to the preserve of the super-rich, we have had to make choices. The first most obvious one is private education. We don’t do that despite having both been privately educated ourselves. Did we feel guilty? Yes. Did we all get over it? Yes. Did we get judged for not sending them? Also yes. A private education gives you many things. Often that means a good network of friends, a longer school day (not to be sniffed at by working parents), great sporting facilities and fixtures, as well as high standards of teaching and smaller classroom settings. But all this comes at a price that is often significantly larger than a monthly mortgage – and that’s just for one or two. If we had sent all of our five children privately for the duration of their schooling, I think it would have cost us £1m. My son’s education alone set us back around £200,000. Shorts With five children to consider, this just wasn’t financially feasible. So instead of setting ourselves up for failure, eating baked beans for every meal, and never taking a holiday ever again, five years ago when my second child (my daughter) was about to begin secondary school, I decided to look for a more practical option – sending her to the local state comprehensive. When we first made the choice it was very much looked down on by other people. I’d get quizzical, uneasy and sometimes irritated looks. Questions like “Can’t you ask family for help?” or “What about a bursary?” as if I had not thought of these things (the answer to both is no). When the pained-looking individual concluded that there was nothing more to do than throw my daughter to the lion’s den, they would swiftly move on and change the subject. Sybilla with her three daughters and youngest son We were the only people we knew in our social circle who had done this – everyone else was busting a gut to keep paying the fees. In many people’s minds it was one thing “using” the village primary but it was quite another to sign up for secondary too. The impression other people’s responses gave me was that I was being neglectful and irresponsible as a parent for this choice. At first, I would feel ashamed and occasionally have a sinking feeling that I was letting my daughter down. In fact, I think most people expected us not to stomach it for long and ring up admissions at the private schools before September was out. Well, they were wrong. And looking back I wish I hadn’t worried and had been a bit braver. We chose the comprehensive in our local town as it was a feeder from our lovely Suffolk primary and were very impressed with the open evening. What on earth was wrong with this place? Well, that was exactly it – nothing. It’s an exceptional school. They handed us a smart-looking prospectus like the ones the private schools send out as their marketing material – turns out there was no disparity between a private secondary school and an Ofsted-rated comprehensive. Currently we have three children at the school and one who has left and gone to university. I won’t deny my children have had to toughen up slightly (as did we). My two teenage daughters were sad at the start that they weren’t going to the private day schools like their mates and had to shoot off on buses at 6.30am for their hour-long commute. When settling in, I know they did feel like Will from The Inbetweeners from time to time. They got ribbed for being posh and sometimes asked me for fake eyelashes to fit in – I am afraid I said no. Now they have a mixture of friends – some of whom attend some of the best boarding schools in the country, and others whose parents will struggle to heat their council house this winter. They’re being exposed to real life (not just to Tarquin, who has so much money that he was high all weekend on ketamine). My daughters now understand when I say I can’t afford to buy them something. They get that money comes and goes and that there are no guarantees in life. They know that you have to work hard. They understand a lot more than they would have if I had sent them to a private school. Today my daughter is finishing up her education in the sixth form while her other siblings follow behind. I am so proud of what they have achieved in the last few years. They have an answer for everything and can cope with pretty much anything life throws at them – and a large part of this I credit to their comp. I feel grateful they experienced this good state education. (And not spending the money on fees means we are able to have treats as a family we never could have afforded otherwise.) Sometimes I think some judgmental people were envious of us saving money, but there is still this view that private education is a “club” and woe betide anyone who doesn’t pay up. I questioned that status quo – I wasn’t even sure I liked the club or wanted to be a member. I am not sure if anyone I know regrets sending their children to private school. You hear of the odd person like me who switches because they can’t afford the fees. But for those whose raison d’etre is private school, there is no way they will admit that they regret their decision. The honest private school parent will admit they are worried about how they are going to pay next term’s fees, but most of them would sell their kidney to send their child anyway.