I Spent $1,000 on a Weekend With a Friend I Don’t Even Like. Now I’d Like to Ask Her an Awkward Question.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. photo by Marko Stojkovic/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, I recently had an online friend visit me and my partner for the first time in real life. We spent the weekend doing various activities and eating at restaurants. By the end of the weekend, it had become clear to me that she wasn’t someone whose company I particularly enjoyed, a nd I didn’t want to deepen or really even continue the friendship. But now I have an issue I need help with. I spent roughly $1,000 entertaining her over the course of four days, which I didn’t even enjoy. This is a LOT of money for me. She paid for one meal (despite her talking frequently about how well she was doing financially). Is there a way I can recoup some of these costs? What would be a polite and non-confrontational way to ask her to contribute to the things she participated in? Or should I just drop it and cut my losses? —Down and Out Dear Down and Out, Before your online friend came down, did you both discuss who would pay for what? It’s not out of the ordinary to treat someone to a meal or activities if they spent their own money coming to see you. What’s not normal is spending $1,000 over the course of four days and never discussing how to split the bill. She might not be as loaded as you think, which could explain why she was OK with letting you cover her trip. Your approach to getting reimbursed is dependent on what was said during the transaction. Did she offer to help, and you told her to send you money later? Did you tell her not to worry about it? Or, did she not offer to help at all, and you swiped your card anyway? For the first two scenarios, it’s pretty cut and dry. The last one not so much. If she offered to pay you back, thank her for visiting and share the amount that she owes you with details on how to transfer the money to you, along with asking when you should expect the payment. If you told her not to worry about it, ask her if it’s too late to take her up on her offer to chip in, then ask how much she can contribute toward the amount of money dropped over the weekend. (Sure, this might be awkward—but you don’t seem keen on developing the friendship anyway!) If neither of you mentioned payment, tell her you had a great weekend, and you’re reaching out because you just realized you had never discussed how you would be splitting the bill. Yes, it will be out of the blue and just as uncomfortable for both you and her. Hopefully, she’ll agree and have the money to pay you back. Moving forward, always discuss who owes what before picking up the tab. —Athena Valentine From: I Somehow Ended Up Footing The Bill For My Friend’s Entire Vacation. (March 10th, 2023). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I have a question that involves ethics and math. My mother is 72 and retired; she owns her home. She has about $2 million in savings, and the interest from that account—combined with social security—is enough for her to live comfortably. She’s in good health and is a very lovely person. I’m 38 and married. In the next few years, I would really like to move so that my kids can attend a better school district. We’re not looking to upsize anything—we’d plan to get a house the same size and price as the one we have now, with a mortgage of about $500,000. The problem is that the mortgage we have now is at 3.375 percent—and current mortgage rates would mean that buying a new home at the new rates would make our monthly payment almost double. We can’t afford it. I asked my mother if she would consider selling us a mortgage. She said yes before I could even finish asking the question. But here’s my question: What should the rate on that mortgage be? I’m not sure what she’s earning at her current bank. Maybe 4 percent? Does that mean that our mortgage should be at that rate? What if interest rates increase, and it turns out she’s earning less from our mortgage than she would have earned in a savings account? Does that mean I should change the interest rate every year? But changing numbers might make it hard for me to budget… Help! —Uncertain Urbanite Dear Uncertain Urbanite, The good news is that the IRS publishes the guidelines you’ll need to utilize in setting up the mortgage. For family loans greater than $10,000, the IRS Applicable Federal Rates (AFR) define the absolute minimum market rate of interest your mother can charge on your loan without significant tax consequences. (If she offers you a zero-percent mortgage, for example, that could trigger taxes on the “gift” portion of the interest.) The AFRs are published each month, and the IRS will consider the month the loan was made in their tax calculations for the life of the loan. That would mean no annual interest rate recalibration unless you want to re-sign a mortgage yearly. So, if you began a 20-year mortgage in March 2023, your mother would have to set the interest rate at least 3.71 percent to avoid paying extra taxes. If I were your mother’s financial advisor, I would be wary of her putting 25 percent of her total 2 million portfolio into something with the risk profile of a private mortgage, especially with the extra administration and legal burden. But we all have to get creative in current financial times. If this arrangement still sounds good to everyone, ensure you employ an attorney to draft the appropriate legal documents. It will cost money upfront, but save you from potentially very expensive future situations. Also, consider a handshake agreement to refinance the mortgage with a traditional lender in the future (such as when rates drop or your mother needs access to her capital). —Lillian Karabaic From: I Figured Out How To Be An Ethical Landlord. Young Activists Don’t Agree. (March 6th, 2023). Dear Pay Dirt, This year, after an aggressive recruitment, I was invited to join the board of a nationally known, prestigious museum. I had several conversations with the board chair and CEO making it clear that I was to offer all my professional knowledge and my time, but I could not support much financially, as board members are typically expected to do. They assured me this was fine, so I agreed to join. The organization hosts several extravagant fundraisers, the apex of which is the annual gala. At my first board meeting, it was revealed that several board members were purchasing entire tables at the event to bring guests, and the gala is a $1,500-a-plate event. Most, if not all, of the other board members appear to be millionaires and billionaires. I am a public servant. There is no guidance in the board handbook about how payment for events is handled (it only mentions “board discounts” for events and guests, implying that board members do not get anything for free). My board mentor is one of the billionaires, and I am mortified that I will have to tell him, or the CEO, that I cannot afford to attend the event (it is listed as mandatory). This is super triggering for me as I have anxiety about money and specifically how handicapped I am by my paltry salary. How do I handle this? —All Brains, No Benjamins Dear No Benjamins, What a supremely unfair position for the board chair and CEO to put you in after aggressively recruiting you. It speaks to the equity obliviousness that is unfortunately common in prestigious arts and culture nonprofits. But you shouldn’t feel anxious about your non-billionaire means—the staff should be ashamed of their poor board stewardship. They wanted you on the board for your knowledge and perspective, not for your wallet. If they want to increase representation on the board beyond the silver spoon ilk, it requires clear communication about financial expectations for board members at the recruitment stage. Most people cannot fork out an unexpected $1,500 donation. I know it’s awkward, but you’ll have to talk with the board chair and CEO about your expected role at the gala and make it clear the sticker price is out of your budget. You shouldn’t feel mortified about this; a plate costs about as much as the median mortgage payment in the U.S. You’ve already been upfront about your different means than your ultra-wealthy peers, so it shouldn’t surprise them. If your board mentor is a billionaire and has bought a table, he’d likely be able to extend you a seat at his table without any expectation of payment. In my experience, these galas will have a few donors or companies who purchased tables but can’t attend, and the staff can slot you into one of the empty seats ahead of time. If not, you could volunteer at the check-in or another appropriate role for a board member in exchange for a comped ticket. The board chair and CEO should figure out how to get you in the room without the sticker shock. If they don’t figure out a solution, reconsider your board appointment. Failure to accommodate you shows they are not equipped to support the board diversity they sought. Successful modern nonprofits have diverse leadership that represents the communities they serve. That means board members are recruited not only for their giving capacity but also for their lived experiences and knowledge. It’s a shame you can’t just focus on your board seat and have to work to push thoughtful communications. But every time you have internal conversations about equity blind spots, you’re strengthening the organization—and paving the way for the next smart board member of modest means. —L.K. From: My Parents Gave Me A Lot Of Money. Then They Wanted Me To Give It Back. (March 13th, 2023). Classic Prudie I got married a few weeks ago, and much to mine and my husband’s surprise, more than half of his groomsman and several of my bridesmaids didn’t get us a gift. Before anyone jumps down my throat for being ungrateful, to be clear, of course, I’m grateful they supported us with their presence at our wedding and I genuinely don’t care about money or a physical gift. But something else stings more. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Personal Finance Friendship