I resisted kissing my colleague and now I’m fantasising about her – my marriage is so empty

DEAR DEIDRE: COMING within a hair’s breadth of straying has made me face up to how empty my marriage has become. I’m not the cheating type but I feel more like my wife’s ­flatmate than her husband. Can our marriage be saved, or is it too late? I’m 43, my wife is 41 and we tied the knot 14 years ago. We have a teenage son. We don’t argue . . . we barely speak at all. We eat in silence, spend every evening staring at separate screens and go to bed at different times. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time we kissed, let alone had sex. I’ve tried talking to her about it so many times. She agrees we have drifted apart, and we both pledge to make more effort. But after a few days, everything goes back to how it was, as if we had never had the conversation. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial My real wake-up call came a few weeks ago, at a leaving do. A colleague, who has always been friendly, stayed behind chatting with me. We were in stitches. I can’t remember the last time I laughed like this with my wife. I offered to walk her to the station and, as we arrived, she took my hand. For a split second I wanted to kiss her. I actually leaned in before pulling away and making an excuse to leave. Even though nothing happened, I can’t stop thinking about how alive I felt. It wasn’t really about my colleague, though she is an attractive woman. It was about remembering what it feels like to be listened to and wanted. Ever since that evening, I’ve been fantasising about her, imagining what could have happened. I feel guilty, just for thinking about it. I don’t want to cheat but if things don’t change, I feel it’s almost inevitable. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: There’s no such thing as “a cheating type”. Being very unhappy can make people behave in ways they don’t expect. It’s admirable you’ve realised you’re on the brink of an affair and want to try to repair your marriage, rather than give in to temptation. You’ve tried talking to your wife but you keep having the same conversation and it’s going nowhere. Instead, tell her honestly that your marriage is at a crossroads and something needs to change if it’s to be saved. Couple’s counselling could be the answer. It would allow you both to talk openly in a safe space. You can contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org) to make an appointment. If she’s willing to fight for your marriage, there’s still hope. If not, it might be time to agree to separate. THANK YOU FOR… HELPING ME TO MOURN MY WIFE DEAR DEIDRE: I WANTED to thank you for the kindness and support you gave me after I contacted you following the death of my wife of 48 years. She had died from cancer just four weeks after her diagnosis, so I was shell-shocked. My daughter and I barely had time to process what was happening before she was gone. She passed away just before her 75th birthday. We had hoped to celebrate together, but instead we just raised a toast to her. When I wrote to you, I asked for your Coping With Bereavement support pack because I hoped something in it might help me cope with losing my life partner. Your reply was compassionate and reassuring. You explained that grief comes in waves and that there is no correct timetable for healing. You also encouraged me to seek support rather than struggle alone. Having your help lifted a weight from my shoulders. I’ve read the pack several times, and followed its advice to have some grief counselling sessions. Although I’m still grieving, and I know that won’t change overnight, I no longer feel quite so alone. Thank you for your warmth and understanding. It made a difference. DEIDRE SAYS: I’m glad the pack was helpful and that talking to me gave you comfort. Grieving is hard, but in time, I hope you will be able to enjoy happy memories. TEENAGE TROUBLES DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER a year at university, I’m still a virgin. I thought this was the place I’d finally come out of my shell and meet a girl. But nothing has changed. I’m still the same shy 19-year-old lad I was when I arrived. I have no confidence and freeze when I talk to girls. I’ve tried dating apps too but I never get anywhere. All my mates have girlfriends or hook-ups, and I’m the only virgin left. Now I’m terrified I’ll end up alone for ever. How can I change this? DEIDRE SAYS: It might not feel like it but you’ve still got loads of time to meet someone. Losing your virginity isn’t a race. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Instead of focusing on having sex concentrate more on making connections and friendships with girls, so a relationship can happen naturally. My support pack, Learning About Love, should help. LOVE BOMBER HAS MADE ME FEEL I’M GOING CRAZY DEAR DEIDRE: IT’S taken me 20 years to realise that my partner doesn’t really love me – he just love bombs me. I know I need to walk away but I’m not sure I’m strong enough. I’m 42 and he’s 44. When we met, 21 years ago, he swept me off my feet. He was so intense and affectionate, he made me feel like I was his whole world. He would buy me thoughtful gifts, such as a dress I’d seen in a magazine and said I liked, that showed he had listened to me like no other man ever had. He was so romantic that all my friends were jealous of me. But once we moved in together, he started becoming critical and picking fights. He could be really nasty and when I complained, he would tell me I was selfish and narcissistic and that he should have left me years ago. After hurtful arguments, he would switch again and be loving and apologetic. He’d promise everything would change. Stupidly, I would believe him and stay. He made me feel it was me, not him, that was the problem. Once, I made a real effort to leave him. But he pulled me back by transforming into the lovely man I had first met. Of course, it only lasted a few months. I feel exhausted and confused. Sometimes I think I’m going mad. Please help. DEIDRE SAYS: You’re definitely not going mad. Love bombing is powerful. It makes you question how someone so thoughtful, kind and loving could possibly ever be cruel. But make no mistake, your partner is emotionally abusive. He is gaslighting you to make you think you are the problem. My support pack, Abusive Partner, will tell you more about this type of relationship, and where to find help. My other pack, Addictive Love, explains how unhealthy relationships can be so intoxicating. Leaving him won’t be easy, but you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe and cherished. BOYFRIEND CONTACTED TOXIC EX DEAR DEIDRE: FINDING out that my new boyfriend has got in touch with my toxic ex has really disturbed me. I don’t understand why he would do it when he knows he hurt me so much. I’m a 34-year-old woman and have been dating my new boyfriend, who is 37, for six months. He’s funny, kind and handsome and I thought everything was going well. My last boyfriend was the complete opposite. He was controlling and manipulative. It took me two years to finally leave him. My current partner knows how badly I was treated. He has seen me have panic attacks about it. So imagine my shock when my ex messaged me saying, ‘Thought you should know your new guy’s been in touch.’ I assumed he was lying to stir up trouble, but then he showed me screenshots proving they’d been chatting about me. Why would someone who loves me go behind my back and contact a man he knows made my life miserable? Did he do it to check out my stories? What other reason could he have? I don’t know how to handle this. Am I overreacting? DEIDRE SAYS: No, you are not. Whatever his motives, he has been dishonest and he has contacted someone who he knows hurt you, instead of speaking to you directly. You need to speak to him about this calmly. The answers he gives, and whether he understands why you’re so upset, will help you decide whether you want to continue the relationship and if you can rebuild trust. My pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you have this conversation.