I Resent the Way Mother-in-Law Spends Money. It’s an Insult to Our Family.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My mother-in-law spent my husband’s inheritance when my father-in-law died. She retired when he died at the age of 53. Now, she lives off disability, her Social Security, his Social Security, and she lives lavishly. She buys 40 Stanley cups and orders every meal out. She constantly complains about how unfair her life is. I want to cut ties with her because we’re struggling to afford our lives with one child and six figures of student loan debt. Her lifestyle just makes me despise her. Is her lifestyle reason enough for me to resent her? Does she “owe” us anything at all? Should I just grow up and move on so she can have a relationship with her granddaughter? —Resentful Daughter-in-Law Dear Resentful Daughter-in-Law, Your husband’s inheritance? Let’s start there. Unless your late father-in-law specifically left your husband money in his will or in a trust and his mother took it and spent it, it wasn’t his inheritance. It was hers. Nowhere in your letter do you express any sympathy or empathy for what your mother-in-law has gone through. She was widowed young, finished raising her family, and decided to focus on that rather than continuing to work. What does “living lavishly” really mean? How much do you actually know about her finances? You typically won’t get Social Security disability income and regular Social Security, and she won’t get her Social Security and her late husband’s. You have to choose. My guess is that she’s living just at or beyond her means, on her late husband’s Social Security and maybe some disability insurance she had. It’s hardly a lavish lifestyle, no matter how many Stanley cups you buy. I wonder if she’s managing to pay off credit card debt and what’s left of her mortgage each month. Probably not. She complains about her life because it’s hard to be widowed, raise a family as a single parent without endless resources, and be disabled. I doubt it’s the life she imagined living. Now, let’s talk about you. No, your mother-in-law doesn’t owe you anything except respect. She doesn’t even have to love you, but if she wants to have a relationship with her son, you, and her grandchild, she needs to be civil and kind. You need to be civil, kind, and a bit more empathetic in return. She certainly doesn’t owe you anything monetarily. And, yes, I’d suggest you grow up enough to recognize that you and your husband are responsible for paying for your own lives. So, decide you’re going to take charge of your finances. If you have a huge amount of student loans, make a plan to pay it off. Take a second job or find a way to cut your expenses. Stop wallowing in your resentment. If you change your attitude and make up your mind to move forward in a different direction, you’ll likely find that everything in your life gets better. —Ilyce Glink From: I Want To Cut My Mother-In-Law Out Of Our Lives Because Of Her Very Offensive Lifestyle. (December 9th, 2024). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I am a 35-year-old woman living in an expensive coastal city. I currently gross $66,500 a year. I’m no longer broke at the end of every month but definitely been experiencing some lifestyle creep. My problem is that I hate my job and see no way out. For the last 10 years, I have been working as a nanny for infants and toddlers, at least two at a time. I’m over it. My body can’t handle the physical labor of it. It’s not fulfilling to me in the way it used to be. I’m not making the money I want. I have no opportunities to use my brain or do any creative problem-solving, which I have enjoyed with the two office jobs and one retail job I had before this one. I am a smart person and would like to engage in that more often, and enjoy the feeling of having accomplished tasks that aren’t “diaper, bottle, nap, diaper, bottle, tantrum.” I considered using my childcare and people skills to pivot to a career as a postpartum doula, but I’m not interested in being self-employed, having to be constantly on call, or living off of consecutive two-eight week contracts. I have no college degree and nothing but old and likely irrelevant experience in an office environment. I also have a creative pursuit which takes up 10-20 hours each week and I also baby sit. The creative pursuit is performance based and is extremely important to me. It’s not easy to turn it into a career, but not impossible, and if I don’t at least try, I’ll regret it forever. This also means that I must live in an expensive coastal city where one may have a chance at such a thing. At the same time, I’m realistic about my need for dependable income. With this jam-packed schedule, I’m burnt out. Help! What can I do? Is there any better career path for me based on my experience as a nanny? Or can I use my people skills and humor in some kind of position? I’ve wondered if I could get a job as a copywriter somewhere, but I’m not sure if I could get paid as much as I currently do, and I’d really like to pay down my debt and bank more money before making a switch. Am I asking for too much? —Mary Poppins Is Pooped Dear Mary Poppins, You’re so full of dreams and hopes, which is heartening. But working your current three-job situation, it’s no wonder you’re too exhausted to think about a new career, which is a job in and of itself. I have a couple of vague options for you, without knowing more about your skills and location. Consider if you can use your in-demand nannying skills to create stepping stones into a new career. Many nannies negotiate education benefits as part of their work perks. Suppose a less physically demanding field might be a good fit for your humor and people skills (like work-from-home customer support or sales representative). In that case, a few classes at community college, at your employer’s expense, might give you the confidence to apply in a new field. Many community colleges also have career exploration classes that will help you structure your job search. If you want to pursue your performance work more, consider looking for a high-paying nannying gig with a client with performance industry connections. You bring a lot to the table as an experienced nanny, so don’t sell yourself short. Office software can be taught, but people skills and patience are innate soft skills that transfer to most industries. —Lillian Karabaic From: My Parents Gave Me A Lot Of Money. Then They Wanted Me To Give It Back. (March 13th, 2023). Dear Pay Dirt, My spouse and I are moving back to a large city in the summer, after completing a fellowship. We have ties to this city and I know the general areas I would want to live in that would place our child in a decent school district. I work remotely so commuting isn’t much of an issue for me. However, my spouse received a job offer in a town that is at least 40 minutes from the nearest favored school district. As we plan on moving back, we are at odds as to whether to buy a house or keep renting (we both hate renting and having to move constantly). My spouse feels that we should delay home purchases for nine months so that they can feel out their job fit and hope interest rates fall. I feel that it’s a waste to pour more money into rentals and interest rates will stay high. We both have the option of traveling back to this city to view homes and I have saved enough for a 5 percent down payment on a starter home. What should we do? —Let’s Settle Down Now! Dear Settle Down, It’s unlikely interest rates will fall much in the next nine months, according to Federal Reserve Chairmen Jerome Powell. But waiting to feel out how a job fits is a good reason to delay buying a home—houses are costly purchases if the situation turns out to be short-term. While you don’t get back the money you spend on rent, you also won’t get back any money you spend on closing costs and broker’s fees. Just one more year of renting in your new city will give both of you confidence that the move is permanent, and the commute is manageable before you make a very expensive mistake. —L.K. From: My Parents Gave Me A Lot Of Money. Then They Wanted Me To Give It Back. (March 13th, 2023). More Money Advice From Slate My boyfriend was in a wedding recently for his good friend as a groomsman. When we first got the invite (we live together and have for 3 years) we discovered I wasn’t invited and he did not have a plus one. We’ve met this couple before and they knew we had been dating for close to four years by that point! Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance