I Recently Revoked My Mom’s Ability to Let Herself Into My Apartment Uninvited. Now She’s Retaliating.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by JackF/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I recently set a boundary with my 69-year-old mom, letting her know that she could not let herself into my apartment unannounced and uninvited after she walked in on me in the middle of adult activities with my partner, who was visiting. She’s had this access to my place for nearly seven years. Since then, she has set two counter-boundaries that I, my partner, and a few other trusted friends believe are manipulation tactics to get me to cave. She announced that she didn’t want any of my partner’s articles of clothing ending up in the wash with mine (years ago, she offered to take over doing my laundry, to save me time; of course, after her announcement, I took this task back) and that I was not to let people into her house without her expressly inviting them (she said this because I let my partner in to get a hug from her, like they always do before we head to work together when I’ve stayed over at her house). When I asked (politely) for an explanation for these new boundaries, she wouldn’t answer me. What can I do about this? —30-Year-Old in Need of Healthy Boundaries with Mother (she/her) Dear Healthy Boundaries, You can’t, and needn’t, do anything about this. You and your mom have been unhealthily enmeshed for far too long. The question of whether the “counter-boundaries” she’s now set are manipulative is moot. You two have a lot of work to do if you’re ever going to have a reasonable, workable relationship. That your mother had a key to your apartment and for seven years has been letting herself in whenever she wanted, uninvited, is your doing. This should have stopped long ago. It should never have started. She should have known better, of course—she shouldn’t have done it even if you never told her not to—but it’s unsurprising that the mother of an adult who lets her do her laundry for her (and has never before objected to her using her key) is hurt or offended by your suddenly cracking down on her. If you want to make an effort to have a real relationship with your mom going forward, stop talking to her about boundaries and counter-boundaries (and stop asking people for their opinions about her behavior). Keep doing your own laundry (even if she rescinds that “counter-boundary”): You’re a grown woman; your mom shouldn’t be doing your chores for you. Consider skipping the sleepovers for now, too (if you live near enough to each other for her to be doing your laundry and letting herself in to your place with her key, you don’t need your visits to her house to turn into overnight stays) while the two of you try to work out how you want to be a part of each other’s lives in the years to come. For your mother to see you as a grown-up, you need to grow up. And for you to see her as the mother of a grown child, she needs to stop treating you as if you were her personal possession. Talk it out. Fight it out, if necessary. A little out-in-the-open conflict never killed anybody. —Michelle More Advice From Slate My son’s teacher told his college prep English writing class it is almost impossible for more than one student per class to get an A. My son has a solid B, but he now says there is no point in working harder since he “can’t” get an A… Advice Family