I Really Want to Make an Offer to My New Neighbor. I’m Worried It’ll Cross a Line.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by OJO Images/iStock/Getty Images Plus and ChristinLola/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I’m a single mom who lives in a building full of very polite but mostly closed-off tenants. There’s a new neighbor on my floor with a very young baby who cries often, as babies tend to do. I suspect she is single herself, and my heart goes out to her when I hear those sounds coming from her apartment because I’ve been there… I wish I could go over and give her a break for a few minutes or do some chores or something. That would be inappropriate, no? —Momma, I Understand Dear MIU, I’d start by initiating a more comprehensive introduction (“My name is MIU. I live in 3E, and I’m a single mom to a 5-year-old son … ”) and explaining that you simply wanted to do a better job getting to know the other parents in the building. Compliment her on how adorable her child is and ask how she’s doing, because you know how difficult this time period can be. But don’t talk about how “awful” it is to have an infant or how glad you are that those days are behind you—so many people talk to burned-out parents this way, but it isn’t helpful at all. See what she offers up about her life and how she’s feeling. If it seems that she’d be open to help, let her know that you’d be happy to offer some support from time to time and suggest starting with a walk to the park or lunch date to get to know each other a little better first. If the initial conversation doesn’t feel like the right time to offer up your assistance, make a point to chat her up when you can and work on establishing yourself as an ally. Think about how you’d want to be approached by a relative stranger when you were in her position. Consider the possibility that this woman could be quite shy or simply uninterested in your friendship. No matter what, good on you for being willing to step up and provide a fellow mama with a helping hand. —Jamilah Lemieux From: Dear Care and Feeding: My Daughter Took a Ride With a Kid Who Just Got Her Learner’s Permit. (November 13th, 2019). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, What’s the current etiquette on kids writing thank-you notes for gifts received at their birthday party? My son just turned 5 and received a few gifts at his party, some of which he opened while the guests were present (and thus thanked the givers in person) and others that he opened at home afterward. He likes to write and draw sometimes on his own time but is generally disinclined to do so on demand—i.e. he’s not the kind of kid that’s happy to draw a thank-you picture for every kid on a list just because I ask him to. What’s the ruling on this? I want to teach him to feel and show gratitude, but is forcing him to produce thank-you notes really the way to do that? I honestly don’t know. I am pretty sure that even if I ask him to dictate notes and write his initials at the bottom (his name is long!), it will still require me to put the words in his mouth first. —Do We Really Have to Do This? Dear Must We, Thank-you notes are a) lovely and b) a mostly gendered way by which others judge the quality of a mother’s parenting or a new wife’s etiquette, and c) on their way out. If you thank someone in person and you are a 5-year-old, you’re set. I think that if it is important for you to instill the practice of thank-you notes in your very small child, you’re going to have to do the dictate-and-sign thing. Which is fine. Probably a good idea. Do that. —Nicole Cliffe From: Dear Care and Feeding: How Do I, an Adult, Deal With a Bunch of Awful Tween Boys Hassling Me? (July 29th, 2019). Dear Care and Feeding, Am I a bad parent for laughing when my kids get hurt?—Chuckles the Mom Dear Chuckles, Am I a bad parenting advice columnist for laughing at your incredibly to-the-point letter? And for laughing when my kid gets hurt? I sure hope not! Let’s be clear: There’s a difference between struggling to stifle your giggles when your kiddo takes a comical tumble that results in tears but no tears, and cracking up when they fall down a flight of stairs and end up spending the next month in a cast. I’m assuming that you are referring to instances in which there’s little pain or consequence, because it would be downright cruel, super odd, and worth exploring with a therapist if you find yourself amused when your children are truly hurt. We learn to laugh at falls from kids’ TV shows and movies from a very young age, only to grow up and find that bodily harm continues to be used as a comedic device in entertainment targeting adults as well. Turning that inclination off because the person in question is a child, let alone our child, can be difficult. I’d wager that a mom who laughs at her child taking an America’s Funniest Home Videos-worthy tumble would also laugh if her partner had been the klutz in question, or a stranger, or even if she’d bit the pavement herself. Laughter can also be a nervous reaction to the brief moment of stress or fear you experienced before realizing that your kid hasn’t been hurt badly in whatever situation that has taken place. Personally, I’ve been struggling to suppress giggles in inappropriate situations my entire life: during funerals and parental lectures, in quiet classrooms, and, most frequently, when faced with people who take themselves entirely too seriously. Still, I was somewhat horrified the first time my then-toddler daughter took a spill and I found myself chuckling. It was yet another reminder that while parenting has made me, in many ways, a better person, it certainly hasn’t made me a different person altogether. I still hate waking up early, I still have a woefully short attention span, and I still think it is fuh-NEE when people fall down (as long as they are OK when they get up, of course; I’m not a monster!). However, even though we can’t snap our fingers and become the super mature, stiff-upper-lipped adults that would never dream of laughing in the face of our beloved babies, we must be sensitive to how laughter can make an unamused kid feel. Children are quite sensitive, and as a result, they tend to have outsized reactions to things like sending their ice cream cone flying down the block after slipping on a wet sidewalk, or stumbling in a new pair of shoes for the fifth time in one already-crummy morning. The last thing you want to do is make your kids feel that you don’t take their pain—real or contrived, physical or emotional—seriously. Furthermore, as is the case with folks of all ages, an already upset child is likely to feel even worse when they see that their moment of discomfort has caused what appears to be a delighted reaction. So you may have to do your absolute best to hide your amusement when your kids get hurt. If you have any sort of device that you use to keep your emotions in check during other uncomfortable or serious moments (i.e. thinking of something gravely serious, biting the inside of your cheeks, diverting your eyes), you definitely should employ them. Rushing to go grab them a first-aid kit or a cup of water can buy you a moment to pull it together.If you do end up getting caught red-faced, apologize and explain that you are experiencing a bout of nervous laughter, and that it was the stress of being scared for their safety combined with the relief at knowing that they were going to be OK that confused your brain and found you laughing in spite of not being amused at all. Good luck! —J.L. From: Am I a Bad Parent for Laughing When My Kids Get Hurt? (January 29th, 2020). More Parenting Advice From Slate My 7-year-old daughter struggles to make friends, so I was very excited to hear that she had become friends with a girl, “Brenda,” at a summer camp. Brenda and my daughter have a lot in common—they both are shy, bookish girls; both very bright and very nerdy; both of them struggle to make friends normally; both of them have brown hair; they have the same favorite fruit (some of these sound very superficial but these things matter to aspiring 2nd graders!). For the past few weeks we’ve been setting up playdates for the two of them since the camp they attended together ended. We interacted with Brenda’s dad, as her mom was abroad for work. Then a few days ago, Brenda’s mom contacted us telling us that the playdates were over. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting