I Need to Make an Important Move for My Financial Future. It’s Going to Devastate My Sister.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by BrianAJackson/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, I am 58 years old and I need some advice regarding my sister. My mother lived in another country along with my sister, while I have lived in the U.S. for almost 40 years. I have been their sole financial support during this period. My mother passed away in 2019 and I have continued the same financial arrangement since then with my sister. The issue is that I had purchased a home for them to live in that I now would like to sell. My sister has only worked once in her life, briefly, and the rest of her time was spent taking care of my mother, who had health issues for many years. Earlier this year I had a conversation with my sister regarding selling the home and she became upset. I explained to her that I am getting older and financially it was becoming more difficult to maintain her and the home. It would be easier to sell to be in a better position long term. She is aware that I am single, unmarried with no children, and her sole support for everything. She is very emotional about the issue and I feel very guilty as she took excellent care of our mother during her illness. I need some advice on how to go forward. —Confused Sister Dear Confused Sister, My heart is going out to you around this situation. My dad is in a very similar boat and it’s been hard to watch over time. My grandmother passed last year and he is still financially taking care of his sister. It’s difficult because she may feel she’s given up her whole life to take care of your mother, and may not know where to start, and feels genuinely overwhelmed. But at the same time, you originally purchased the home and provided support under different circumstances. Your mother has been gone for three years, and you’ve continued to remain generous so there is that to definitely be acknowledged. You didn’t have to support them at all, yet you chose to, so don’t feel bad that you now need to focus on yourself and your financial health. Acknowledge her feelings about the current situation and apologize for not discussing what would happen with your financial support after your mother died, before now. Try to figure out a timeline of when she would be expected to be out of the house, so that you can sell it, and ask her what she needs from you to be able to accomplish this task. She may need to learn a new set of skills, help with finding housing, or to learn more about finances. Maybe you could even offer to pay for her rent for the first month or two. It is going to be hard for both of you but in the end, you are now doing her a favor. You cannot control when life ends, and if something were to happen to you tomorrow, she would need to know what to do. Now you can help her be able to do just that. Good luck. —Athena Valentine From: The Possible Recession Terrifies Me. So Does My Potential Solution. (July 2nd, 2022). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, What’s the appropriate amount to give to charity for my income level? I make around $700,000 a year, and give around $10,000 a year to charity, which seems measly for my income level. Some days I think this is absurdly low—with current levels of inequality I should be giving half of my after-tax income to charity. Other days I think, hell, my effective tax rate is about 50%. Do I really owe society more? —Am I A Scrooge? Dear Scrooge, Acknowledging inequality says a lot about you, so no, I don’t think you’re a total scrooge. Honestly, I would get angry paying that much in taxes myself. And you may have other situations where you’re being generous—supporting family members who have less, for example—that aren’t strictly “charity,” as most would understand it. People’s opinions may differ, but I don’t think you should have to give to a charitable cause just in order to feel better about your high income. Instead, acknowledge your high income as a gift and find a cause you feel passionate about. Donating just because is different than donating to a cause that keeps you up at night. You may find that, as you become more passionate about the work being done, you may want to donate more, whether that be dollars or time. You could also look into making a recurring donation, like setting up a scholarship fund at a local non-profit. You’d be making a difference while changing someone’s future. —A.V. From: I Make $700,000 A Year, And I Pay A Lot In Taxes. Must I Also Donate To Charity? (July 5th, 2022). Dear Pay Dirt, My wife and I (we’re both women) are dissolving our living situation, and in the long term, we may dissolve our marriage. Her racist, abusive mom is too ill to live independently, but refuses a nursing home, and wants us to move in and care for her. This woman has called me and our teenage son racial slurs and has been homophobic and wretched. We fought and compromised by planning to live separately: My wife will live with her mom in her mom’s house and manage her aides and care, while our son and I will downsize to a smaller apartment. This is brokered peace at best, and I recognize that even though I love my wife very very much, this might end our marriage. We both work full time, earning about the same. We have a teenage son, a car loan, student loans, and some minor credit card debt. What can I do to keep our current situation financially fair, while still protecting/preparing myself for a potential divorce? —This Might Be the End Dear This Might Be the End, I’m sorry you’re going through this; there’s no easy way to deal with situations like this. I assume you have some way of working out who is responsible for what right now, and if you were to divorce tomorrow, the courts would likely require you to maintain the status quo as much as possible over the course of the process because you have a teenage son. That means no big changes to who pays for what, if you’ve already begun proceedings. I assume your wife is aware that the marriage might not last as well, and you both want to protect your son, so I think it’s worth having a conversation now about what you think is fair and isn’t about the way you’re currently handling expenses. It also wouldn’t hurt to see a financial planner so that you both have a sense of what your long-term expenses might be and what your options are with regard to your existing debt. Anything you jointly own gets split up is a matter of state law. If you live in an “equitable distribution” state, assets would be divided according to your individual claims on the property. If you’re in a “community property” state, your marital assets would be split between you. Student loan debt is trickier because who owns what is a matter of when the loans were taken out (before or during the marriage), whether they were jointly consolidated, and so on. But, generally speaking, student loan debt would be the responsibility of the person who took out the loans. Knowing all of this, you should be able to estimate what your financial situation would look like post-divorce, and that should help you prepare for the possibility. —Elizabeth Spiers From: My Wife’s Racist Mom Moved In. I’m Worried About What It’s Costing Us. (July 11th, 2022). More Advice From Slate My 5-year-old son is a terror at school. Not your run-of-the-mill disruptive, obstinate student but an aggressive, violent, defiant little terror that is currently about to start his third kindergarten class. There is something about a classroom and learning that makes him act like he’s possessed by a demon. The child they describe is not the charming, sweet, kind, helpful child I know. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance