‘I met a woman who changed my situation completely – but she is married with two children’

QuestionI am a young widower in need of help. Since my wife’s passing four years ago, I have become very withdrawn and have developed an alcohol dependency.My friends have been very understanding and supported me, but have expressed concern about my drinking. In January, I met a woman who changed my situation completely. We went out a few times before I realised I had forgotten about alcohol when in her company, as she just makes me feel happy and whole. She is stuck in an unhappy marriage with two teenage children, and I know she wants to escape.I can’t help feeling that by encouraging her to separate I am changing the course of her life, but the healing affect she has had on me is one I can’t be without.Should I walk away?READ MOREAnswerYou are a young man who has experienced enormous loss, but gradually you have come back to join life and have opened up to love again. Yours is a complicated situation, but there is lots in it for you to ponder and gain insight from.Alcohol was masking loneliness and grief, but now you know that you need someone in your life, or at least you need a life full of connectedness. The withdrawal into drinking had several effects. The first is that it delays healing and stops us from processing real emotions, trapping grief in place.Very often, as alcohol leaves the body, anxiety and depression spike higher than before – and this lengthens the gut-wrenching trauma of grief. The habit of drinking to help cope with the difficult days is dangerous, as life is full of unexpected negative events and we need all our resources to deal with these, and alcohol blunts our responses.[ ‘I want to continue to give up alcohol, but I’ve relented due to pressure from my spouse’Opens in new window ]People drink alcohol when grieving in order to temporarily numb intense emotional pain, to quieten overwhelming thoughts, and to experience a brief escape from reality. However, when your friends are telling you they are worried about your drinking, it is time to take notice, as they are speaking from a position of concern and care. These same friends may be your ballast and support as you deal with the next emotional upheaval in your life, so pay heed to their advice and talk to them before drinking away your sorrows. You don’t say how you met the new woman in your life, but presumably you were both interested in getting together and the attraction is real and mutual.Right now, you have both energy and self-awareness, so put them to good use and create a community of people who can share the journey of life with youShe is an independent adult and as such, is responsible for her decisions, and you are not forcing her into anything. It is true that you both have responsibilities and there will be far-reaching effects on her family if she separates. If you are to support this, it needs to be done as ethically as is possible. You say that your lover’s marriage was in trouble before she met you, but that she has not addressed the rift.Sometimes, the full knowledge of the demise of a marriage does not dawn until a third party is involved, but if this happens it can be complicated and full of possibilities for blame and recrimination.You might ask yourself some questions.Is your relationship with her important enough for you to step back and allow her and her husband to come to an understanding of what they want to do and how they want to manage their marriage?Are you able to create a life worth living for yourself while in this no man’s land of waiting?The decision on her marriage could take a long time, and if you offer this space, you will need not to retreat into withdrawal and alcohol but instead use what you have learned. Your happiness does not depend on her – this is too big a burden to place on her – but you must put your learning into action, and join society and make a life for yourself. [ I Am Not an Alcoholic: I never envisaged life would be so hardOpens in new window ]Your happiness is your responsibility, and you have discovered that meaningful engagement is a huge part of it for you. Love means wanting for what is best for the loved one – and this might require you to let go of her until her until she knows what is right for her.There is the issue of your pattern of dealing with grief in a self-sabotaging way – use those good friends who have your back to help you cope with this latest situation. You already know that closeness and engagement is a curative action for you. Right now, you have both energy and self-awareness, so put them to good use and create a community of people who can share the journey of life with you.This will mean that you are not dependent on one person for all your emotional connectedness and you might then be in a position to allow this woman to figure out her life without too much pressure from you.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com